Knock Knock
Whos there?
Toyota!
Toyota who?
Toyata be a law against such awful jokes!
04
Apr
04
Apr
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didnt live there.
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long Id be gone. I said, The whole time.
So whats the speed of dark?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why dont they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If youre sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals dont eat clowns because they taste funny?
If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them?
Isnt Disney World a people-trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an s in it?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If its zero degrees outside today and its supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
Why are they called buildings when theyre already finished? Shouldnt they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments when theyre all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know that you dont have?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two aeroplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there five syllables in the word monosyllabic?
Why do scientists call it research when they are looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why is it that when a door is open, its ajar, but when a jar is open, its not a door?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and hell believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Why is it fake lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to cure it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Arent we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesnt glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs its 4s?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesnt Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Should you trust a stockbroker whos married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people do, or does it just SEEM longer?
I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman, Wheres the self-help section? She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Isnt the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
04
Apr
– You wonder why singers Sting and Bryan Adams stole wrestlersnames.- You only come out of your room if your theme music is playing.- You go to court dressed like Goldust.- When your boss is pissing you off you kick him and give him a stunner.- You always end a speech with, Thats the bottom line cuz John said so! or If you smellllll what John is cooking!- You wonder why DXs theme music never made the Top 100.- You continue to shove a sock down the throat of your brother-in-law.- If theres one beer left you suggest it should be suspended from the ceiling and the winner has to climb a stepladder to get it.- You give everyone high fives when you walk down a hall.- Whenever you see someone lying on the floor you get the urge to put him in the sharpshooter.- You are not from the U.S but you live there and keep insulting every American you see.- You offer someone money to burn the flag.- You think that Diesel and Kevin Nash look alike.
04
Apr
A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a golf ball in his hand. One of his golfing buddies says to him, new ball?The guy responds, would you believe this the greatest ball ever made? You cant lose it! You hit it into the rough and it whistles. You hit it into the woods and a bell goes off. You drive it into the lake and a burst of steam goes off for a whole two minutes!Thats amazing, says his friend, where did you get it?I found it. says the guy.
04
Apr
Q:What protection does a nymphomaniac use during sex?
A:A bus shelter.
04
Apr
A man is sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach is standing there. The cockroach immediately punches him between the eyes and scampers off. The next evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there again. This time, it punches him, kicks him and karate chops him before running away. The third evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there yet again. It leaps at him and stabs him several times before making off. The gravely injured man manages to crawl to the telephone and summon an ambulance. He is rushed to intensive care and they save his life. The next morning, the doctor is doing his rounds. He asks our hero what happened, so the man explains about the 6 foot cockroachs attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thinks for a moment and says, Yes, there is a nasty bug going around.
03
Apr
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party late one night.
How’s business? asked the first.
Rotten, replied the other. Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there were already two other lawyer hanging on to the bumper.
03
Apr
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
03
Apr
Why dont chicken wear underpants?
Because their peckers on their face!
03
Apr
Un indio se iba a casar con una chica blanca que casualmente se llamaba también Blanca. Por la diferencia de razas, la madre le dice a su hija: No te puedes casar con ese indio.
Y la hija le responde: Pero si yo lo amo, y el tambien me ama y nos vamos a casar.
La madre le dice: si él de verdad te ama, dile que te compre todas las tierras del norte
y las ponga a tu nombre…
La hija llorando va a contárselo al indio y le dice: Mi madre dice que para poder casarnos debes comprarme las tierras del norte y ponerlas a mi nombre.
El indio le contesta: Yo amar a Blanca… poder comprar tierras del norte y ponerlas a tu nombre.
Blanca va y le dice a su madre: El indio me compró las tierras del norte, ahora sà nos vamos a casar…
Aún no, si ese indio te ama de verdad dile que también te compre las tierras del sur y las ponga a tu nombre.
La chica le cuenta al indio y el indio le dice: Yo amar a Blanca, poder comprar
tierras del sur.
La chica va contenta y le cuenta a su madre y la señora muy desesperada, sin saber que hacer para impedir que se casen, le dice: si en verdad te quieres casar con ese indio, su pene debe medir medio metro…
Y la chica llorando le dice: pero madre nadie en el mundo la tiene de ese tamaño, y su madre le responde: ¡entonces no te casas!
La chica va y con mucha pena le cuenta al indio: Mi madre dice que para casarnos tu pene
debe medir ¡MEDIO METRO!
El indio se queda pensando mucho tiempo… y finalmente le dice:
Yo amar a Blanca… ¡PODER CORTARME UN PEDAZO!