Old and New Jokes

It is not sufficient to be a success; it is also necessary for your friends to be failures.

nice shoes wanna f**k

I pulled into a full service gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The guy farted,
took my five and walked away.

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says Doc, Im getting married this weekend and my fiancee thinks Im a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?

After the doctor stopped laughing, he says, Medically, no, but heres something you can try…on the wedding night, when youre getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him its your virginity snapping.

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress, her hubby slips it in, she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks, what the *@#% was that? The wife explains, oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping.

The husband cries out, Well snap it again, its got my balls!!!!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Handsome!
Handsome who?
Handsome chips through the keyhole and Ill tell you more!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cassie!
Cassie who?
Cassie the forest for the trees!

An executive will always return to work from lunch early if no one takes him.

A priest and doctor were out golfing. The doctor gets up to take his first shot. He swings and misses the ball completely.God dammit, I missed, says the doctor.The sky starts to darken a bit becoming overcast.Dont use the Lord God’s name in vain, says the priest.I am sorry, Father, replies the doctor.The doctor steps up again to tee off and misses the ball once again.God dammit, I missed, says the doctor.The sky darkens even more and a low rumble resounds throughout the land.Dont use the Lord Gods name in vain, says the priest.I am sorry, Father, replies the doctor.Once again, the doctor tries to take a swing at the ball and completely misses. He throws his club to the ground and yells, God dammit, I missed.The heavens roared and the storm erupted, sending a lightning bolt down and straight into the priest, which struck him dead.Then a booming voice arose from the sky and said, Dammit, I missed.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?

A: To see what was on the other side.

Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide its time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, Okay, you say ass and Ill say hell.

All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what theyd like for breakfast.

Aw, hell, says the eight-year-old, gimme some Cheerios.

His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. Whatll you have?

I dunno, quavers the six-year-old, but you can bet your ass it aint gonna be Cheerios.