Old and New Jokes

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

9. Speak in tongues.

A truck driver was going south on I-75, when he came upon a weight station. When he pulled in and got on the scales to be weighed, the scale master told the driver that he was 900lbs. over weight. The truck driver replied, I can take care or that. The scale master asked he how could he fix the problem? The driver said, let me go around back, and Ill fix the overweight problem. The scale master agreed to let him fix his problem. About half an hour later the truck driver got back on the scales, and the scale master said, driver, you are still 900lbs. over weight. The truck driver said, I dont understand what went wrong. I let 50lbs. out of each tire on the rig. After thinking the problem over the scale master said, well 18 tires times 50lbs. would equal 900lbs. I guess my scales must be wrong. Im sorry driver, you may continue on down the road, and have a nice day.

Two guys are riding to work on the bus. They both see two dogs goin at it on a lawn. One guy, whos married, looks at the other and says, Geez, Id give anything to do it to my wife like that.

The other, a single guy, says, Heck, thats easy. Just feed her three martinis.

The same two guys are riding the bus to work the next morning. The single one asks the other, Well, did you get to do it to your wife doggie style?

The married guy replies, Yes, but it took SIX martinis.

The single guy exclaims, SIX martinis! How come so many?

The husband replies, Hell, it took three just to get her out on the lawn.

Two robins were sitting in a tree. Im really hungry, said the first one. Me, too said the second. lets fly down and find some lunch. They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate, and ate and ate and ate til they could eat no more. Im so full I dont think I can fly back up to the tree, said the first one. Me either. Lets just lie here and bask in the warm sun, said the second. OK said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner had they fallen asleep , a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them all up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, I love baskin robins.

Q: Why dont Jewish mothers drink?


A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie ?


A: Its called Debbie Does Dishes.

Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?


A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Q: Whats a Jewish American Princess favorite position?


A: Facing Bloomingdales

When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, So did my arthritis.

A man calls his mother in Florida. Mom, how are you?


Not too good,says the mother. Ive been very weak.


The son says, Why are you so weak?


She says, Because I havent eaten in 38 days.


The man says, Thats terrible. Why havent you eaten in 38 days?


The mother answers, Because I didnt want my mouth filled with food if you called.

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother hes been given a part in the school play.


Wonderful. What part is it?


The boy says,I play the part of the Jewish husband.


The mother scowls and says, Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.

Q. Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?


A. Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q. How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?


A. (Sigh) Dont bother, Ill sit in the dark, I dont want to be a nuisance to anybody.

Whats the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary?

Get married on his birthday.

One day at school, the teacher was talking to the class about there parents occupations.

Jane put up her hand and said, My mother is a nurse.

The teacher said, Thats wonderful, she helps to cure sick people.

Andrew then out up his hand. My father is a pilot, he said.

The teacher said, Congratulations! Your father helps people get to where they are going.

Johnny then said, Miss, my father plays the piano in a brothel.

The teacher quickly changed the topic, but kept it in her head for later reference.

At the parent/teacher night a month later Johnnys parents came to see the teacher and the teacher asked him if he really was a piano player in a brothel.

Johnnys father replied that he wasnt. But that is what he told Johnny because he didnt want to admit to being a lawyer.

Police: Mr. Johnson, we have just arrested a theif carrying several credit cards with Mrs. Johnsons name on them.

Mr. Johnson: Tell the thief he can keep them.

Police: But dont you want your credit cards back?

Mr. Johnson: No. Hes been spending only about half as much as Mrs. Johnson.

A drunk man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While he waits for the bartender to mix his cocktail, he notices a woman alone at the end of the bar. When his drink comes, he says, Hey b-b-b-artender. Give that douche bag at the end of the bar a drink for me.

The bartender tells the drunk to keep his voice down, but the drunk is belligerent. Give that douche bag at a drink, dammit! he shouts.



The bartender becomes angry. Sir, I will not permit you to sit here and call the lady names.



The drunk persists. For the last time, bartender, bring me my drink and give that douche bag down there a drink, too!



Attempting to quell the growing disturbance, the bartender approaches the woman and apologizes for the behavior of the drunk. The gentleman insists upon buying you a drink, maam. What can I get for you?



The woman replies, Oh,… Ill have a vinegar and water, please!

your mamma is so fat,the airplane couldnt take off with her on board!

your mamma is so fat, she got stretch marks on her shadow!