…has spent many days crossing the desert without
water. His horse has already died of thirst.
Hes crawling through the sand,certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. Theres a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked
behind one ear.
Well, cowboy, says the genie… You know how I work. You have three wishes.
Im not falling for this. Says the man. Im not going to trust an IRS auditor genie.
What do you have to lose? Youve got no transportation, and it looks like youre a goner anyway!
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
OK, cowpoke, whats your second wish.
My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, theres going to be a string attached.
Q: What do you get when you find a dead blonde in a closet? A: The hide and seek champion of 1996.
La hija, que vivÃa en los Estados Unidos, mensualmente le consignaba a su padre la suma de US$2.000 para su sustento en Colombia. Cuando en una ocasión la hija viajó a visitar a su padre, al pesarle el remordimiento, decide informarle a su padre que era prostituta y que el dinero que le enviaba era parte de sus ganancias. El padre, después de regañarla, decide echarla de su casa.
Pasaron un par de meses y el padre no volvió a recibir la mesada; entonces, decide llamar a la muchacha:
Hija, cuando Ud. vino a visitarme qué fue lo que me dijo. Es que estoy perdiendo la memoria; además, estoy casi sordo, ¿qué fue lo que me dijo?
Papá, yo le dije que me habÃa vuelto prostituta.
Ah, eso, mija, perdóneme, ¡yo pensé que me habÃa dicho que se volvió protestante!
Farmer: Ive got a bull thats right off it duties. Its got to service
300 cows and all it wants to do is eat.
Vet: Give it one of these little pills in its feed and stand back.
So 2 weeks later the farmer comes back to the vet:
Farmer: WOW, what a pill! I gave the pill to the bull like you said and
POW! It jumped over the gate, ran down the lane and fucked 70 cows in
30 minutes.
Vet: So, whats the problem – why have you come back?
Farmer: Well, I was wondering, I am meeting this 18-year-old tonight –
could you give me one of those tablets? Im not as young as I was.
Vet: Oh, no! Sorry, its too strong but I will give you a quarter of a
pill.
So the farmer takes the pill and goes off to prepare for his date.
Several days later, the farmer goes back to the Vet.
Farmer: Hello, Vet. Wonderful. 40 Times.
Vet: So, why have you come back?
Farmer: Ah! I need something for my wrist – she never showed up!
If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.
An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven. God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, Welcome to heaven, my son. God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease, the doctor replies. Welcome to heaven, my son, God says. God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. Welcome to heaven, my son, says God, but you have to leave in two days.
At the chopping mall!
One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish friend. The friend recommended a kosher place nearby. They arrived and Dubyas friend ordered them both the house specialty: matzo ball soup. The waiter brought the bowls and George looked at the soup suspiciously, but his friend urged him to try at least one taste. So he took a bite of matzo ball and slurped some soup and clearly liked it. After Dubya was finished he said, "Mmm mmm, that was good! But tell me, do you Jewish folks eat other parts of the matzo, or just the balls?"
Dear __________________________, I regret to inform you thatyou have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probablyaware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates suchas yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name onfile should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in yourfuture romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you weredisqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply) __ Your last name is objectionable. I cant imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it. __ Your first name is objectionable. Its just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion. __ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonalds reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing. __ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality. __ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself. __ Your breasts are bigger than mine. __ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you cant GET into my pants. __ Youre too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess. AMEN! __ Youre too tall. Im developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you. __ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable. __ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting. __ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker. __ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner. __ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application. __ The fact that you categorize the ProBowlers Tour as Must See TV demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence requirements. __ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip. __ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time. Sincerely,