Old and New Jokes

Bidding – Additional Requirements

Section 1A – The Truth

The requirements of Division 01 and of those documents under bidding
requirements and conditions of the contract and anything else we dont
think looks good here is null and void. If you know whats good for
you, youd read this real close (meaning the contractor).

1.1 The work we did is clearly showed in the attached plans and
specifications. Our engineer, whose had plenty of college, spent one
hell of a lot of time when he drawed up these here plans and
specifications, but nobody can think of everything.

Once your bid is in – thats it, brother. From then on, anything
wanted by our engineer, or any of his friends, or anybody else (except
the contractor) shall be considered as showed, specified or implied
and shall be provided by the contractor without no expense to nobody,
but himself (meaning the contractor).

1.2 If the work is did without no expense to the contractor, then the
work will be took down and did again until the extra expense to the
contractor is satisfactory to our engineer.

1.3 Our engineers plans is right as drawed. If sumthin is drawed
wrong, it shall be discovered by the contractor, corrected, and did
right at no extra expense to us. It wont cut no ice with us or our
engineer if you point out any mistakes our engineer has drawed. If
you do, it will be one hell of a long time before you do any more work
for us or him (meaning the engineer).

1.4 The contractor is not supposed to make fun of our engineer, his
plans, or the kind of work were having did. If he does, its
just too bad for him (meaning the contractor).

1.5 Any contractor walking around the jobs with a smile on his face is
subject to the review of his bid.

1.6 If the contractor dont find all our engineers mistakes before
he bids the job, or if the contractor aint got enough sense to know
that our engineer is going to think up a bunch of new stuff thats
going to have to be did before the job is complete, then its just too
bad for him (meaning the contractor).

Una madre orgullosa y contenta con su hijo que jugaba beisbol, le gritaba:

¡Batea Coné! ¡Corre Coné! ¡Lanza Coné!

Llenas de curiosidad, las amigas fanáticas le preguntaron que de donde salió el nombre de su hijo.

Ella les explicó que al inscribirlo al registro demográfico el funcionario a cargo se resistió a inscribirlo Iduardo, como ella quería.

Cada vez que ella le decía que se llamaria Iduardo, él le contestaba: ¡Coné, Coné, Coné!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Olive!
Olive who?
Olive none of your lip!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Deena!
Deena who?
Deena hear me the first time!

Its always the wrong time of the month.

Southern DOS: Yall reckon? (Yep/Nope)

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish. The redhead went first. I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home! Okay, replied the genie. And off she went. Then the brunette went. I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!! And off she went. The blonde started crying and said, I wish my friends were back here!

A burglar has just made it into the house. He is intending ransacking, and he is
looking around for stuff to steal.

All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, I can see you, and so can Jesus!

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes
back to his business.

I can see you, and so can Jesus!

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the
corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a
budgerigar, who pipes up again, I can see you, and so can Jesus!

So what, says the burglar, you are only a budgerigar!

To which the budgerigar replies, Maybe, but Jesus is a doberman!

There
was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He
stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps
next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just
drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The
truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking.
Here, Ill buy you another drink. I just cant stand
to see a man cry."
"No, its not that. This day is the worst of
my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my
office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave
the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen.
The police said that they can do nothing. I get a
cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember
I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver
just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my
wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come
to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting
an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[Ed: Recently somebody on rec.humor posted the famous ultimate
final exam posting once again. Well, this poster came up with
some actual worthwhile answers. Here they are.]

Instructions: Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions. Time
limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

[Ed: The full test can be found in the Joka-Cola Classic section.]

PUBLIC SPEAKING. 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom.
Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

The proper response is:
Gday mates! Yahoo Serious will be out in a few moments. While youre
waiting, Ill just throw a few shrimp on the barby for ya, and you
can help yourselves to a few pots of Fosters. Right? Right.

SOCIOLOGY. Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the
end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

The only problems would be from the car sales people and lawyers on why
they cant get to the promised land. The lawyers will try to appeal,
and the sales people will try to finance or trade one another (for less
than blue book) to get in.

ENGINEERING. The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been
placed in your desk. You will also find an instruction manual printed in
Swahili. In ten minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the
room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify
your decision.

Call management in room. Inform management that engineering has had
enough of cleaning up after sales demos and will not tolerate this shit.
Storm out of room leaving bewildered management to deal with dissasembled
rifle and hungry tiger. I mean, if management had been on the ball, the gun
would be assembled and the tiger would have been fed.

POLITICAL SCIENCE. There is a red telephone on the desk beside you.
Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if
any.

Inform Kremlin that our entire nuclear arsenal accidentally launched
towards them.
This should start a major skirmish. After the exchange and near total
destruction of the world, the only socio-political effect will be if we
have enough shrimp and Fosters for the Aborigines who are still waiting
for Yahoo Serious (they seemed to think that the big flash and noise was
another Serious invention).

EPISTEMOLOGY. Take a position for or against the truth. Prove the validity
of your position.

I speak the truth. Everything I say is a lie.

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE. Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

Life is a scam.

EXTRA CREDIT. Define the Universe. Give three examples.

Time is relative.
Time is money.
Money is relative.
Relatives cost money.
Time is relative, and dont let your relatives spend too much
time (or money).

ex 1: Aunt Irma visits.
ex 2: Aunt Irma wont leave.
ex 3: You wind up buying Aunt Irma a 1 way ticket to
anywhere. Thus depleting your vacation fund. Now you must
go back to work.

Joke found on http://www.dupyup.com