Old and New Jokes

Q. Whats the difference between anxiety and panic?

A. Anxiety is when, for the first time, you cant do it the second time.

Panic is when, for the second time, you cant do it the first time.

Womens Lifestyles Through the Ages

AGE… DRINK

17… Winecoolers

25… White wine

35… Red wine

48… Dom Perignon

66… Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

17… Need to wash my hair

25… Need to wash and condition my hair

35… Need to color my hair

48… Need to have Francois color my hair

66… Need to have Francois color my wig

FAVORITE SPORT

17… shopping

25… shopping

35… shopping

48… shopping

66… shopping

FAVORITE DRUG

17… shopping

25… shopping

35… shopping

48… shopping

66… shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17… Burger King

25… Free meal

35… A diamond

48… A bigger diamond

66… Home Alone

FAVORITE FANTASY

17… tall, dark and handsome

25… tall, dark and handsome with money

35… tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain

48… a man with hair

66… a man

HOUSE PET

17… Muffy the cat

25… Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat

35… Irish setter and Muffy the Cat

48… Children from his first marriage and Muffy theCat

66… Retired husband who dabbles in taxidermy and stuffs Muffy the Cat

WHATS THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17… 17

25… 25

35… 35

48… 48

66… 66

IDEAL DATE

17… He offers to pay

25… He pays

35… He cooks breakfast the next morning

48… He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids

66… He can chew breakfast

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Mens Lifestyles Through the Ages

DRINK at age…

17… Beer

25… Beer

35… Scotch

48… Double scotch

66… Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE at age…

17… My parents are away for the weekend.

25… My girlfriend is away for the weekend.

35… My fiancee is away for the weekend.

48… My wife is away for the weekend.

66… My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT at age…

17… Sex

25… Sex

35… Sex

48… Sex

66… Napping

FAVORITE DRUG at age…

17… Pot

25… Cocaine

35… Really good cocaine

48… Power

66… Advil

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE at age…

17… Cop a feel

25… Breakfast

35… She didnt set back my therapy

48… I didnt bump into her kids.

66… An actual erection

FAVORITE FANTASY at age…

17… Thirdbase

25… Airplane sex

35… Menage a trois

48… Taking her company public

66… Swiss maid and/or Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET at age…

17… Roaches (to be burned later)

25… Old college roommate

35… Irish setter

48… Children from her first marriage

66… Barbi

THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED at age…

17… 25

25… 35

35… 48

48… 66

66… 17

IDEAL DATE at age…

17… Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in

25… Split the check before we go back to my place

35… Just come over

48… Just come over and cook

66… Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesnt want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men – but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes – theres no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesnt. A man marries a woman expecting that she wont change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesnt understand a woman – before marriage & after marriage.

A reporter went to the local mental hospital to do a story on some of the patients and their ailments. As she was being led around by the nurse she noticed a patient in his room running a few steps swinging his arm forward underhanded as though he was throwing something then he hollered, SPARE! He again did this only this time hollered, STRIKE! She asked him what he was doin and he said, Oh, I’m just bowling.

They continued the tour and now she noticed another patient who was swinging both arms as though he was holding a bat and saying, Strike one, strike two, etc. She asked what he was doing and he said, Just playing baseball.

As they continued on again this time she saw a man sitting in a chair naked with a hard-on and he was balancing a peanut on the end of his dick.

She had to ask, And what the hell are you doing?

He said, Me, oh, Im just fucking nuts!

Entra un abogado a un cajero automatico, de ésos que tienen un sofisticado sistema de seguridad, y de pronto empieza el sistema a sonar una estruendosa alarma acompañada de luces y una voz digital que anuncia a todo volumen:

Ladrón-Ladrón-Ladrón…

El abogado retira la tarjeta de la ranura del cajero, la examina y dice:

¡Con una…! ¡Me equivoqué… introduje mi tarjeta profesional!

1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.



3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, Uh-oh, its already too late.



4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.



5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.



6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak – it explodes.



7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.



8. LEGOS will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old….



9. Super glue is forever.



10. McGyver can teach us many things we dont want to know.



11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still cant walk on water.



12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.



13. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.



14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.{that durn hamster…}



15. The fire department in Roseville has at least a 5 minute response time.



16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy..



17. It will however make cats dizzy.



18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Some Boeing employees recently liberated a life raft from one of the
747s on the companys production line. Later, they took it for a float
on the Stilliguamish river. Imagine their surprise when a Coast Guard
helicopter rescued them after homing in on the emergency locator beacon
that activated when the raft was inflated. Not surprisingly, they no
longer work at Boeing.

A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor, If I had all the beer in the world, Id take it and throw it into the river.

And the congregation cried, Amen!

And if I had all the wine in the world, Id take it and throw it in the river.

And the congregation cried, Amen!

And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, Id take it all and throw it in the river.

And the congregation cried, Hallelujah!

The preacher sat down.

The song leader stood up very tentatively and announced, For our closing song, let us sing hymn 365, Shall we gather at the river.

Q: How do you kill a dumb blonde?

A: Put a scratch n sniff sticker at the bottom of her pool.