Old and New Jokes

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

46. While youre roommate is there and you are not, secretly order a pizza up to him using his name.

Barkers Proof: Proofreading is more effective after publication.

You want it when?

Did you hear about the latest tragedy in Bihar?

There was a terrible power failure in a large shopping mall, people were stuck on the escalators for 4 hours!

A Jewish man, driven to desperation by the endless delays of his tailor who was making him a new suit, finally cried, Why is it taking so long? I have been waiting six weeks.

So?

So, you ask? It took G-d only six days to create the universe!

Nu, shrugged the tailor, look at it…

Some non-Christian (but not unChristian) bits of important wisdom for earth dwellers:

Be a Fundamentalist – ensure that the Fun always comes before the Mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be cancelled. A laugh track has been provided and the reason we are put in the material world is to get more material from that track. Have a good laughsitive twice a day, which will ensure regularity.

Remember that each of us has been given a special gift just for entering, so you are already a winner!

The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. Thats where I tell a vision to you and you tell a vision to me. That way, if we dont like the programming were getting, we can change the channel.

Life is like photography – you use the negative to develop. No matter what adversity you face, be reassured: Of course God loves you…

It is true: As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought particles tend to get caught between the ears and cause a condition called truth decay. Be sure to use mental floss twice a day, and when youre tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember what we teach in the Swamis Absurdiveness Training Class: DONT GET EVEN, GET ODD.

If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads. Thats where I no mad at you and you no mad at me. That way therell surely be nomadness on the planet. Peace begins with each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there. Pretty soon all the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere.

I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if youre looking to avoid earthquakes my advice is simple: When you find a fault dont dwell on it.

Theres no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world and well never have to change it again.

If youre looking for the key to the Universe Ive got some good news and some bad news. The bad news: There is no key to the Universe. The good news: It was never locked.

Finally, everything Ive told you is channeled. That way, if you dont like it its not my fault. But remember: Enlightenment is not a bureaucracy, so you dont have to go through channels.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?

A: So she wouldnt get Hearing Aids.

In order to streamline the handling of problems within the system. Please fill out the following questionnaire before sending it in for Help. With your co-operation we should be able to provide faster and more efficient fault resolution.

COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM

1. Describe your problem:

______________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:

______________________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

______________________________________________________

______________________________________________________

____________________________-_________________________

4. Problem Severity:

A. Minor__

B. Minor__

C. Minor__

D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up__

B. Frozen__

C. Hung__

D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure youve read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain youve read the manual? No__

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

14. If Yes then why cant you fix the problem yourself?

______________________________________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line?

______________________________________________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem

occurred?

______________________________________________________

17. If nothing explain why you were logged in.

______________________________________________________

18. Are you sure you arent imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel?

_____________________________________________________

20. Tell me about your childhood.

_____________________________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

22. Cant you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__

First, there were 🙂 smiley emoticons.

Then there were (_)(_) butt emoticons.

Now, there are (.)(.) emoti-boobies!
 

(.)(.)Boobies
( . )( . )Bigger Boobies
( O )( O )Pamela Anderson-Lee boobies
(,)(,)Boobies with pierced nipples
. .Very Little Boobies
( * )( * )Implanted Boobies (very pert)
( ) ( )Nursing Mom boobies
(^)(^)Madonna Boobies
–.-.–Teeny Bikini Boobies
–(.)-(.)–Regular Bikini Boobies
–( . )-( . )–Mondo Bikini Boobies
x xNo boobies
(/)(/)Feminist Boobies
()()Wonder bra Boobies