Old and New Jokes

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.

In preparation for the upcoming deer hunting season (a season which receives more attention than Christmas in my midwest neck of the woods) I offer the following Deer Hunter Opening Day Summation:

1:00 a.m.Alarm clock rings.
2:00 a.m.Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
3:00 a.m.Leave for deep woods.
3:15 a.m.Arrive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 a.m.Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 a.m.Set up camp — forgot the damn tent!
4:30 a.m.Head into the woods.
6:05 a.m.See a deer.
6:06 a.m.Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 a.m.Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 a.m.Head back to camp.
9:00 a.m.Still looking for camp.
10:00 a.m.Realize you dont have a clue where camp is.
12:00 noonFire gun for help — eat wild berries.
12:15 p.m.Out of bullets — 6 deer come by.
12:20 p.m.Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 p.m.Realize you ate poisoned berries.
12:45 p.m.Rescued.
12:55 p.m.Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 p.m.Arrive back at camp.
3:30 p.m.Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 p.m.Arrive back at camp for bullets.
4:01 p.m.Load gun. Leave camp again.
5:00 p.m.Empty gun on squirrel thats bugging you.
6:00 p.m.Arrive at camp — see deer grazing at camp.
6:01 p.m.Load gun.
6:02 p.m.Fire gun.
6:03 p.m.Hit pick up.
6:06 p.m.Partner returns to camp dragging 6 point buck.
6:07 p.m.Suppress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:08 p.m.Fall into campfire.
6:10 p.m.Change clothes. Throw burned ones in fire.
6:16 p.m.Take pick up, leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 p.m.Pick up boils over due to hole shot in block.
6:26 p.m.Begin walking.
6:35 p.m.Stumble and fall — drop gun in mud.
6:40 p.m.Meet bear.
6:42 p.m.Fire gun, blow up barrel — plugged with mud.
6:43 p.m.Wet pants.
6:44 p.m.Climb tree.
9:00 p.m.Bear departs. Wrap $@!%&^* gun around tree.
12:00 midnHome at last!
Sunday:Watch football game on T.V. slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces. Place into envelope. Mail to game warder with clever instruction on where to place it!

What are six inches long and irresistable to women?

Dollar bills.

An american scientist on a visit to indian village stopped and stared at a wall.

He asked his escort I can see absolutely round blotches of cow dung on the wall but cant understand how cow must have done it?

One day on a busy street corner a huge man walks up to a police
officer and asks, Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee
thid, and thacramento ith? The police officer didnt reply at all.
The large man then asked again, but still no reply. Finally the
frustrated man walked away. An onlooking pedestrian then walked up
to the officer and asked, Officer, why didnt you tell that man
where thirty third and Sacramento was? The police officer replied,
Thure and dit the thit ticked out of me!

Derrick Hamner

Q: How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they dont get up that high.

A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, Who is this?

This is the maid., answered the woman.

We dont have a maid! I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.

Well, this is her husband. Is she there? Ummm…shes upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, Listen, would you like to make $50,000?

What do I have to do?

I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that Bitch and the jerk shes with.

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. What should I do with the bodies?

Throw them in the swimming pool!

What pool?

Uh.. is this 832-4821?

You might be a redneck if…

Its easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.

Youve ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sisters honor.

Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job–primer red and primer gray.

The tobacco chewers in your family arent just men.

Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire…on her house

The ASPCA raids your kitchen.

You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

You cant get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldnt hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, theyre trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. Ive got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, So youre the new stud in town? I bet you really think youre hot stuff, dont you? Well, Im not ready for the chopping block yet. Ill bet Im still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. Well run around it ten times and whoever finishs first gets to have all the hens for himself.



Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. Youre on, said the young rooster. And since I know Im so great, Ill even give you a head start of half a lap. Ill still win easy, said the young rooster.



So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guys lead has slipped a little but hes still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old roosters lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap hes just barely in front of the young rooster.



By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.



As he walks away slowly, he says to himself . . . Damn, thats the third gay rooster Ive bought this month.

Q: Whats the definition of a male chauvinist pig?

A: A man who hates every bone in a womans body, except his own.