Old and New Jokes

Q: Why dont Jewish mothers drink?


A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie ?


A: Its called Debbie Does Dishes.

Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?


A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Q: Whats a Jewish American Princess favorite position?


A: Facing Bloomingdales

When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, So did my arthritis.

A man calls his mother in Florida. Mom, how are you?


Not too good,says the mother. Ive been very weak.


The son says, Why are you so weak?


She says, Because I havent eaten in 38 days.


The man says, Thats terrible. Why havent you eaten in 38 days?


The mother answers, Because I didnt want my mouth filled with food if you called.

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother hes been given a part in the school play.


Wonderful. What part is it?


The boy says,I play the part of the Jewish husband.


The mother scowls and says, Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.

Q. Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?


A. Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q. How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?


A. (Sigh) Dont bother, Ill sit in the dark, I dont want to be a nuisance to anybody.

Whats the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary?

Get married on his birthday.

One day at school, the teacher was talking to the class about there parents occupations.

Jane put up her hand and said, My mother is a nurse.

The teacher said, Thats wonderful, she helps to cure sick people.

Andrew then out up his hand. My father is a pilot, he said.

The teacher said, Congratulations! Your father helps people get to where they are going.

Johnny then said, Miss, my father plays the piano in a brothel.

The teacher quickly changed the topic, but kept it in her head for later reference.

At the parent/teacher night a month later Johnnys parents came to see the teacher and the teacher asked him if he really was a piano player in a brothel.

Johnnys father replied that he wasnt. But that is what he told Johnny because he didnt want to admit to being a lawyer.

Police: Mr. Johnson, we have just arrested a theif carrying several credit cards with Mrs. Johnsons name on them.

Mr. Johnson: Tell the thief he can keep them.

Police: But dont you want your credit cards back?

Mr. Johnson: No. Hes been spending only about half as much as Mrs. Johnson.

A drunk man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While he waits for the bartender to mix his cocktail, he notices a woman alone at the end of the bar. When his drink comes, he says, Hey b-b-b-artender. Give that douche bag at the end of the bar a drink for me.

The bartender tells the drunk to keep his voice down, but the drunk is belligerent. Give that douche bag at a drink, dammit! he shouts.



The bartender becomes angry. Sir, I will not permit you to sit here and call the lady names.



The drunk persists. For the last time, bartender, bring me my drink and give that douche bag down there a drink, too!



Attempting to quell the growing disturbance, the bartender approaches the woman and apologizes for the behavior of the drunk. The gentleman insists upon buying you a drink, maam. What can I get for you?



The woman replies, Oh,… Ill have a vinegar and water, please!

your mamma is so fat,the airplane couldnt take off with her on board!

your mamma is so fat, she got stretch marks on her shadow!

Now I lay me down to sleep. Please dont send me no more creeps. Please just send me one good man. One without a wedding band.

One good man whos sweet as pie. Who brushed his teeth and doesnt lie. Who dresses neat and doesnt smell. And is sexy like my man Denzel. Is super-rich like Michael J. On second thought, thats okay.



Man, if I should die before I wake, That would truly take the cake; No matrimony or honeymoon. No fancy reception planned for June. No throwing of the wedding bouquet. Please, God, dont let me go out that way.



If I die before I meet Mr. Right I wont go out without a fight. But then again with my luck, Hed probably be just some schmuck.



The single life is not that bad I know its just a passing fad. I wont be blue. I will not frown. Besides, I like my toilet seat down. No more makeup, wont comb my hair. So never mind this stupid prayer.

31. If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself

A wife, one evening, drew her husbands attention to the couple next door and said, Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why dont you do that?

I would love to, replied the husband, but I dont know her well enough.

Idiocy in the Computer World

When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head crashes. If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we wouldnt have these problems, I said in the memo. One customer responded with What kind of shampoo do you recommend?

An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline. A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk had been Xeroxed.

A Computer Operator says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive: Gee, how much does one of these weigh?

Me: It depends on how much data is on the disk.

The operator believed it.

I had a similar experience while working as a student operator at Michigan Tech. One particularly trying afternoon, the computer was merrily crashing for a number of reasons. After about four such spectacles, we broadcast that the computer would be down for the remainder of the afternoon. There was a resigned groan from the users and they began to file out of the Center, except for one comely young woman with wide blue eyes who wandered up to the counter and queried: Whats wrong with the computer?

Too tired and irritated to give her a straight answer, I looked her straight in the eye and replied: Broken muffler belt.

A look of deep concern wafted into her expression as she asked: Oh, thats bad. Can you call Midas?

A few excerpts from the Computer Help Desk:

Caller: Whats the name for when youre entering data into the computer?

HD: Data Entry.

Caller: Thank you!

Overheard in a student computer lab:

Client (raising hand and waving frantically): The computer says Enter your name and press RETURN. What do I do??

Lab Assistant: Enter your name and press RETURN.

Client (as if a revelation has struck): Oh!