A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the ministers breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, Sir, have you been drinking?
Just water, says the minister.
The trooper says, Then why do I smell wine?
The minister looks at the bottle and says, Good Lord! Hes done it again!
An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality."If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?""Id have to say the living one."
A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault.
He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card: Our deepest sympathy.
But she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read, Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didnt come too.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
You have the taxidermists number on speed-dial.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting. He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.
While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied Im on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request.
She said Im on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th.
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell?
She replied, if I told you, you would only laugh. No I wouldnt, he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.
Well if you must know, she answered, I sell Tampax.
With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said see I knew you would laugh.
Thats not what Im laughing at he replied, Im a toilet paper salesman, so Im still a hole behind you!
One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted in him getting his eye gouged out. He was rushed to hospital, and, after awaking from an emergency operation, was told by the doctor that hed been given a glass eye. The man looked in the mirror to see the result, and was shocked to see that, whereas his original eye colour was blue, his new glass eye was brown. The man was outraged. I cant walk around like this!!
Sir, the doctor said, there is a severe shortage on blue eyes. We had to give you a brown one. If somehow you can get hold of a blue eye, and bring it here to the hospital, we will happily fit it for you.
A few weeks later, the man was driving home from work late one night during a big storm. Suddenly, the car in front of him lost control and skidded off the road before finally hitting a tree. The man screeched to a halt, and ran down the embankment to see if he could help. He found the driver of the car sprawled out over the wreckage, dead as a doornail…with a blue glass eye! As it was so late at night and during such a big storm, no one was about. So the man proceeded to get a screwdriver and removed one of the deceased mans blue eyes, replacing it with his brown glass eye. He raced down to the local hospital to have the replacement blue eye fitted. A few days later, the man was driving along the same stretch of road when he saw the police examining the crash scene and towing the car wreck away. Concerned to find out if the police were on to him, the man decided to go over to try and see if the police had any leads.
Excuse me, sir, said the policeman.
Do you know anything about this at all?
No, constable, said the man.
Well, we cant figure this out. Somehow, this bloke managed to drive 40 miles with two glass eyes!
AVERAGE:
Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
Asshole.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER:
Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB:
Needs more to do.
HAPPY:
Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED:
Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
Pain in the ass.
WILL GO FAR:
Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR:
Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURCES WELL:
Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION:
Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.
Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: Theyve both swallowed a lot of seamen.
Whats the difference between a duck?
One of its legs is both the same.
(just say it to confuse people)
A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. Well, darling, said her mom, how was the honeymoon?
Oh, mother, she replied, the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language… Stuff Id never heard before… Really terrible 4-letter words… Youve got to come get me and take me home… PLEASE MOTHER!
And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.
But honey, the mother countered, WHAT 4-letter words?
I cant tell you, mother, said the daughter, theyre too awful! COME GET ME, _P_L_E_A_S_E_ !!!
Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset… Tell mother the 4-letter words!
Still sobbing, the bride said, Mother… its just terrible. Words like DUST… WASH… IRON… COOK.
Thanx to Anne Park.