Old and New Jokes

A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter.

Im here for the paint job, she said.

Alright, said the man. Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house.

The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.

After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isnt a porsche out back. Its a new BMW.

Seven.

One to change the light bulb.

Three to protest the offense committed by the light bulb in regards
to the socket.

Two to secretly wish they were the socket.

One to secretly wish she was the light bulb.

I worked as an orientation leader at Northern Illinois University this past summer. I was responsible for answering any questions any parents and students had about NIU and DeKalb, Illinois.

I also was responsible for telling parents a little about NIU and DeKalb. Well, DeKalb Illinois is the city in which barbed wire was first invented. DeKalb is also Cindy Crawfords home town.

I told the parents in my group that DeKalb was famous for Cindy Crawford and Barbed wire.

The parents responded by asking Barb who?

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. The password is, "bubba."
5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
6. "Winders 95" has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
7. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba dont read too fast.
9. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
12. The monitor is up on blocks.
13. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
15. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the background.
16. The six front keys have rotted out.
17. John Deere Pocket Protectors.

Special 1-hour lenses from Lenscrafters now allow it to see really, REALLY, *REALLY* far.
SBTS (Shapely Buttocks Targeting System) enhances astronomers lonely evenings.
New Super Big Gulp size cup holder and one of those little pine tree air fresheners.
When pointed toward earth, it can… HEY, YOU!!! IN THE RED SHIRT! STOP PICKING YOUR NOSE!
Bitchin speaker stacks that blast We Will Rock You when orbiting over Iraq.
Special kaleidoscope attachment for when the acid kicks in.
After 3 years and over $50 million of troubleshooting, they finally removed the lens cap.
Warning on lens mirror now reads: OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE LIGHTYEARS CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.
Gigantic Louisville Slugger installed to protect earth against asteroids.
Toy Surprise built into every new piece, for that day when they plummet to Earth.
By focusing huge magnifying glass, scientists can burn ants with pinpoint accuracy.
Much improved reception on the All-Alien-Sex channel.
New enhancement lets you record one galaxy while watching another.
Corrective lenses have giant mustache and fake nose attached for Groucho effect.
The new guy in charge of focus and zoom? Larry Flynt.

and the Number 1 Improvement to the Hubble Telescope …

Gigantic Impending Earth-Destroying Asteroid scraped off lens and put back in gum wrapper foil; Russians warned about further practical jokes.

[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ]
[ *To forward or repost, please include this section.* ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ]

Gary and Lorne were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Lornes penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

Wow, Gary said.

Ive never seen one like that before.

Like what?

Lorne said.

All twisted like a corkscrew, Gary said.

Well, whats yours like?

Lorne said.

Straight, like normal, Gary said.

I thought mine was normal until I saw yours, Lorne said.

Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.

What did you do that for?

asked Lorne.

Shaking off the excess drops, replied Gary.

Like normal.

Cripes, Lorne said.

And all these years Ive been wringing it.

A blonde was standing in front of a coke machine she put in 50 cents and a coke came out. She set it on top of the coke machine. Put in 50 mor cents pushed the button and another coke came out.

She kept doing this untill a guy standing behind her said, Excuse me, can I get my coke and then you can go back to what ever you are doing?



The blonde turns around and says, Like duh not when I am winning!!

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach him how to fish and you can sell him a rod.

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Stud Tires Out

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Justin!
Justin who?
Justin time for tea!