Un borrachÃn aborda un autobús de servicio público. Al momento de querer pagar, el conductor arranca y el temulento se va dando traspiés hacia atrás del vehÃculo. Luego, al enfrenar el camión, se desliza hacia delante, y asà durante dos Km. Al momento de bajarse el chofer le exige:
¡Oye, güey, págame!
Con voz tartajosa, el borracho reclama:
¿Por qué, pendejo? Si me vine caminando todo el trayecto.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Look out: What its too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first babys pacifier by boiling it and to your last babys pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts cant quite reach anything.
Two african american kids (a boy and a girl) go out trick or treating and
stop at a ladys house for candy.
Lady: Who are you two supposed to be?
Kids: Hansel and Gretel
Lady: You cant be Hansel and Gretel, theyre white.
So the kids went home and changed and went back to the ladys house.
Lady: Now who are you supposed to be?
Kids: Jack and Jill.
Lady: You cant be Jack and Jill, theyre white.
Then the kids went home to change again but went back to the ladys house
with nothing on this time.
Lady: What are you supposed to be this time?
Kids: Hershey bars, one with nuts and one without.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
In preparation for the upcoming deer hunting season (a season which receives more attention than Christmas in my midwest neck of the woods) I offer the following Deer Hunter Opening Day Summation:
1:00 a.m.Alarm clock rings.
2:00 a.m.Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
3:00 a.m.Leave for deep woods.
3:15 a.m.Arrive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 a.m.Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 a.m.Set up camp — forgot the damn tent!
4:30 a.m.Head into the woods.
6:05 a.m.See a deer.
6:06 a.m.Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 a.m.Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 a.m.Head back to camp.
9:00 a.m.Still looking for camp.
10:00 a.m.Realize you dont have a clue where camp is.
12:00 noonFire gun for help — eat wild berries.
12:15 p.m.Out of bullets — 6 deer come by.
12:20 p.m.Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 p.m.Realize you ate poisoned berries.
12:45 p.m.Rescued.
12:55 p.m.Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 p.m.Arrive back at camp.
3:30 p.m.Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 p.m.Arrive back at camp for bullets.
4:01 p.m.Load gun. Leave camp again.
5:00 p.m.Empty gun on squirrel thats bugging you.
6:00 p.m.Arrive at camp — see deer grazing at camp.
6:01 p.m.Load gun.
6:02 p.m.Fire gun.
6:03 p.m.Hit pick up.
6:06 p.m.Partner returns to camp dragging 6 point buck.
6:07 p.m.Suppress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:08 p.m.Fall into campfire.
6:10 p.m.Change clothes. Throw burned ones in fire.
6:16 p.m.Take pick up, leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 p.m.Pick up boils over due to hole shot in block.
6:26 p.m.Begin walking.
6:35 p.m.Stumble and fall — drop gun in mud.
6:40 p.m.Meet bear.
6:42 p.m.Fire gun, blow up barrel — plugged with mud.
6:43 p.m.Wet pants.
6:44 p.m.Climb tree.
9:00 p.m.Bear departs. Wrap $@!%&^* gun around tree.
12:00 midnHome at last!
Sunday:Watch football game on T.V. slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces. Place into envelope. Mail to game warder with clever instruction on where to place it!
What are six inches long and irresistable to women?
Dollar bills.
An american scientist on a visit to indian village stopped and stared at a wall.
He asked his escort I can see absolutely round blotches of cow dung on the wall but cant understand how cow must have done it?
One day on a busy street corner a huge man walks up to a police
officer and asks, Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee
thid, and thacramento ith? The police officer didnt reply at all.
The large man then asked again, but still no reply. Finally the
frustrated man walked away. An onlooking pedestrian then walked up
to the officer and asked, Officer, why didnt you tell that man
where thirty third and Sacramento was? The police officer replied,
Thure and dit the thit ticked out of me!
Derrick Hamner
Q: How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they dont get up that high.
A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, Who is this?
This is the maid., answered the woman.
We dont have a maid! I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.
Well, this is her husband. Is she there? Ummm…shes upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, Listen, would you like to make $50,000?
What do I have to do?
I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that Bitch and the jerk shes with.
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. What should I do with the bodies?
Throw them in the swimming pool!
What pool?
Uh.. is this 832-4821?