You might be a redneck if…
You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brothers tooth.
19
Aug
19
Aug
If you cant get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Dont be irreplaceable, if you cant be replaced, you cant be promoted.
It doesnt matter what you do, it only matters what you say youve done and what youre going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you dont succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your bosss boss off your bosss back.
Everything can be filed under miscellaneous.
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isnt the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldnt.
If it wasnt for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you dont know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, How would the Lone Ranger handle this?
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
19
Aug
A guy goes into the hospital for exploratory surgery. Waking up from the anaesthesia he sees his doctor standing at his bed side. So tell me Doc, what did you find out?.
The Doctor says, Son we have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we were able to save your private parts.
Yes that is good news Doc, but what about the bad news?
We put them under your pillow…
18
Aug
Un señor de 80 años llega al médico para un chequeo de rutina y el doctor le pregunta cómo se siente.
¡Nunca estuve mejor!, le responde. Tengo una novia de 18 años embarazada que tendrá un hijo mÃo.
El doctor piensa por un momento y dice:
PermÃtame contarle una historia: Yo conocà a un hombre que era un ávido cazador, nunca se perdió una temporada de caza, pero un dÃa salió rápido y se confundió, tomando su paraguas en vez de su rifle. Asà que él estaba en el bosque cuando apareció un gran oso. El cazador levantó su paraguas, le apuntó al oso y disparó…
¿Y que pasó?, preguntó el anciano.
El oso cayó muerto frente a él.
Es imposible, exclamó el señor, ¡algún otro hombre debe haberlo hecho!
A este punto querÃa llegar…, dijo el doctor.
18
Aug
Un señor fue a una tienda en un barrio chino y vio que estaban vendiendo un ratón de oro. Le dio curiosidad y preguntó al dueño:
¿Y ese ratón de oro para qué es?
Eso es de una leyenda antigua y la historia es muy larga. Si lo compra hay que comprar la historia aparte.
Entonces, compro el ratón.
¿No quiere la historia?
No.
Y el tipo se fue con el ratón. Al rato se dio cuenta que lo perseguÃan muchos ratones. Al llegar a su casa, ésta se llenó rápidamente de ratones. Preocupado, el tipo salió a caminar, seguido por todos los ratones, tiró el ratón de oro a una alcantarilla y los ratones se metieron al la acantarilla y se ahogaron.
El tipo regresó a la tienda y el dueño le dice al verlo llegar: ¿Vino por la historia, no?
No. ¡Vine a ver si tenÃa un abogado de oro!
18
Aug
Estaba un borracho en el autobús tocándole las tetas a una señorita muy descaradamente, cuando ella le salta:
¡Oye! ¿Por qué no metes las manos en otro lado?
El borracho:
¡No me tiente!¡No me tiente!
18
Aug
Whats better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.
18
Aug
What do the Green Bay Packers and Monica have in common???
They both blew the big one.
18
Aug
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircrafts electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopters position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopters window. The pilots sign said WHERE AM I? in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.
18
Aug
A husband and wife had been fighting for 3-4 days.
The next morning they got up and were still not talking. The wife broke the silence by saying she had a dream last night.
The husband asked her about what.
She said she had a dream she was at an auction. They were auctioning off Penises. The little ones went for $500.00 and the big ones went for $1000.00.
The husband throws out his chest and curiously asked what one like his went for. His wife told him bluntly that they were giving them away as door prizes!
Her husband non-chalantly brushes this aside and tell his wife that I had a dream last night too. They were auctioning off Pussys. The loose ones went for $500.00 and the tight ones went for $1000.00.
The wife, not quite thinking he would come back at her asked him how much one like hers sold for.
Sell? The didnt sell yours… where in the hell do you think they held the auction!