Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…

Its easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.

Youve ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sisters honor.

Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job–primer red and primer gray.

The tobacco chewers in your family arent just men.

Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire…on her house

The ASPCA raids your kitchen.

You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

You cant get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldnt hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, theyre trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. Ive got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, So youre the new stud in town? I bet you really think youre hot stuff, dont you? Well, Im not ready for the chopping block yet. Ill bet Im still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. Well run around it ten times and whoever finishs first gets to have all the hens for himself.



Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. Youre on, said the young rooster. And since I know Im so great, Ill even give you a head start of half a lap. Ill still win easy, said the young rooster.



So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guys lead has slipped a little but hes still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old roosters lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap hes just barely in front of the young rooster.



By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.



As he walks away slowly, he says to himself . . . Damn, thats the third gay rooster Ive bought this month.

Q: Whats the definition of a male chauvinist pig?

A: A man who hates every bone in a womans body, except his own.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Kristin!
Kristin who?
Kristin the baby in church!

Answer: Dry, sober, and at home with his wife

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
Theres no easy way to say this, so Ill just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the womans lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune
tellers gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question:
Will I be acquitted?

Q: Why are fish in the sea smarter than animals on land.

A: Because they travel in schools.

(Your jokes are too funny. You will be assimilated. Your piece de resistance is useless.)

Two Borg walk into a bar. One Borg says to the other, Did you hear about that city that was burned down in Argentina?

The other Borg replies, Yeah, just goes to show you; Resistencia is fusil.

A Borg was walking down a country road when he saw a donkey in a field nearby. Climbing over the fence, he pulled out his hand weapon, prayed loudly, and disintegrated the creature.

The farmer who lived there ran out the door. What in the world was that?

Why, said the Borg, What else? Ass immolation.

Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship: Blonde Borgs have the same fun.

Happy Borg: &>

Sad Borg: &

Q: How many real programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. Real programmers prefer LEDs.

What is grosser than gross?

Having a dream about chocolate pudding and then waking up with a spoon in your butt?