Old and New Jokes

– H2O

What does one find outside a fire hydrant?

– K9P

12. Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?
11. … thats right, not even McGyver could fix it.
10. So — what are you wearing?
9. Duuuuuude! Bummer!
8. Looks like youre gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Capn.
7. Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if youre with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if youre with the FTC.
6. We can fix this, but youre gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery.
5. Im sorry, Dave. Im afraid I cant do that.
4. In laymans terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.
3. Hold on a second … Mom! Timmys hitting me!
2. Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics.

   and the Number 1 Thing You Dont Want to Hear From Tech Support …

1. Please hold for Mr. Gates attorney.

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macys, one of the largest
department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and
said, Id like to buy a bra for my wife.

What type of bra? asked the clerk.

Type? inquires the man, There is more than one type?

Look around, said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape,
size, color and material.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of
bras, replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied, The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the
Baptist type. Which one do you need?

Still confused the man asked, What is the difference between them?

The lady responded, It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports
the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type
makes mountains out of mole hills.

Because pot holder was already taken.

The following is a verbatim quote of the opening paragraphs of a
(serious) article on the effect that Salman Rushdies book The
Satanic Verses is having on Britains Muslim community. The article
is by Jack OSullivan, and appeared in The Independent, a UK quality
national newspaper, on 5 Jan 1990.

A joke going around Bradford concerns two Muslims chatting in a halal
shop. The first says he has decided to take the Governments advice to
integrate and be like the British. Oh yes, replies his friend. And
how will you do that?

Im going to take my secretary to Paris for a dirty weekend, the
first man says.

But you dont have a secretary, the friend points out.

That doesnt matter, says the first. Ill take my wife and say
shes my secretary.

Q: Why wont they hire a blonde pharmacist?

A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began
to move slightly.

My darling Becky, he whispered.

Hush, my love, she said. Rest. Shhh, dont talk.

He was insistent. Becky, he said in his tired voice. I… I have
something I must confess to you.

Theres nothing to confess, replied the weeping Becky. Everythings all
right, go to sleep.

No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I… I slept with your Sister, your
best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!

I know, Becky whispered softly. Thats why I poisoned you.

Q: How many U.S fighter pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: No! You mean it was one of ours?!

Notes : Topical to the shooting down of two allied helicopters over Iraq.

Bob lived in an apartment building and had to walk down the hall every morning to get his mail. One morning while getting his mail, his new (drop dead gorgeous) neighbor slinked out of her apartment towards him and as she leaned over to get her mail her robe opened a bit. Bob could hardly believe it, she wasnt wearing a thing under her robe. The woman leaned closer to Bob and said good morning. This time her robe opened up completely. She purred to Bob that she hadnt had a man in years. He could hardly keep eye contact when she said she heard someone coming and that they should go back to her apartment. They went inside and she let the robe fall to the floor. What do you think my best feature is? Bob stuttered and drooled a bit and finally said Your ears.

What do you mean my ears, look at me. I have round perfect breasts, a nice tight ass and legs to die for what on earth made you say EARS!

Well, said Bob In the hall you said you heard someone coming, that was me!

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last nights big date. So, howd it go, Harry? asked Gil.
Terrible, admitted Harry. The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out. It never stopped, and we never got started.

Gil tried to comfort him. It could have been worse, Harry. After all, an attractive young womans allowed to have her number in the phone book, now isnt she?

Yeah, but not in the Yellow Pages.