Old and New Jokes

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, one says, but we have no one to go to with our own problems.

Since were all professionals, another suggests, why dont we hear each other out right now?

They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, Im a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can.

The second admits, I have a drug problem thats out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.

The third psychiatrist says, I know its wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just cant keep a secret.

Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?

A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.

Mum caught little Johnny jerking his meat off one day.

She told him – Johnny dearest, good boys save it till theyre

18.

Johnny did. And by 18, he had 11 jars full!

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesnt have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, Im blonde,

Im smart and I have a good job. Im staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.



The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says, Im blonde, Im smart, and I have a good job. Im staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.



The stewardesses dont know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.



The head stewardess asks the copilot what he said to get her to move. The copilot replies, I told her the front half of the airplane wasnt going to Jamaica.

Se acerca la Navidad, y la maestra les pregunta a los alumnos:

A ver niños, ¿qué les va a traer Santa Claus?

A mí me va traer un trenecito eléctrico, dice Juanito.

¿Y cómo sabes?, le pregunta la maestra.

Ah, porque ya lo vi. Mi papá lo tiene escondido en el garaje.

A mí me va a traer una muñeca que habla, informa Lily.

¿Y cómo sabes?

Bueno, porque ya la vi. Mi mamá la escondió en el armario.

¿Y a ti Pepito?

Bueno, a mí me va a traer una bicicleta, y mi papá la tiene escondida en sus huevos.

¿En sus huevos?, se sorprende la maestra.

Si, yo le pregunté: papá, ¿tú crees que Santa me traiga mi bici? Entonces se agarró los huevos y dijo: ¡Aquí está tu pinche bicicleta!

A florist received an outraged telephone call from a man who had moved his restaurant to a new spot in town. The restaurant owner had been sent a funeral wreath along with a card that read:
SINCEREST SYMPATHIES.

The florist realized that he must have mixed up two orders and shuddered to think of the flowers that should have gone to the restaurant man. He had sent to the funeral a clover design of red roses across which was a bright green ribbon bearing the inscription: =20

BEST OF LUCK IN YOUR NEW LOCATION.

-I went into your house, took a booger of the wall and yo mamma told me not to touch the family portrait.

YO MAMMAS SO FAT:
-she was mistaken for gods bowling ball.
-when her beeper goes off, people think shes backing up
-she had to go to Sea World to get babtised
-she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth
-her favorite dress is a tent
-she left home with highheels and came back with flip-flops
-she has to iron her pants on the driveway
-she needs a building permit for her girdle
-she needs a hula-hoop for a belly button ear ring
-she puts on tampons with a bazooka
-she has to put lipstick on with a paint roller
-she had to get her ears pierced with a harpoon
-she sat on a rainbow and and Skittles came out
-she sat on a quarter and got 2 dimes and a nickel
-she rolled over 4 quarters and made it a dollar
-when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washingtons nose
-the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs

The new IRS motto: Weve got what it takes to take what you have got.

You might be a redneck if…
You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brothers tooth.

If you cant get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Dont be irreplaceable, if you cant be replaced, you cant be promoted.

It doesnt matter what you do, it only matters what you say youve done and what youre going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you dont succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your bosss boss off your bosss back.

Everything can be filed under miscellaneous.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isnt the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldnt.

If it wasnt for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you dont know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, How would the Lone Ranger handle this?

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.