Old and New Jokes

Bill, an experienced sky diver, was getting ready for a jump one day when he spotted another man outfitted to dive wearing dark glasses, carrying a white can and holding a seeing-eye dog by a leash. Shocked that the blind man was also going to jump, Bill struck up a conversation, expressing his admiration for the mans courage. Then, curious, he asked, How do you know when the ground is getting close?



Easy, replied the blind man. The leash goes slack.

Ok this happened in real life. As we are coming back from practice, one of my teammates found a Valentine chocolate in the car. It was the drivers and he said to the driver So who is the lucky guy?
The driver was like What do you mean?
He repeats Its exactly what Im saying, Who is the lucky guy?(Get it?)

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ida!
Ida who?
Ida bought another knocker if I were you!

Q: How many Radio 1 DJs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to resign over the changes.

Pepito estaba en la escuela cuando de pronto su profera le pregunta:

Pepito, ¿con qué mató David a Goliat?

Y Pepito le responde:

Con una moto, señorita.

Y su maestra muy furiosa le responde:

¿No será con una honda, Pepito.

¡Ah, usted quería la marca!

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?

A: She moved.

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

A burglar had been casing a particular house for some time. Finally, he
saw the owners leave for what appeared to be an extended camping trip.
That night he broke in through a basement window and was trying to find
his way in the dark when he heard what seemed to him to be the voice of
a very old woman saying Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!

Startled, the burglar snarls back Shut up, Grandma, or youre gonna
get hurt! He shines his flashlight all around, but no Grandma.

Again the voice: Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!
Finally, the beam of the flashlight finds a large cage and in it
a pretty upset parrot. Relieved, the burglar turns back around and
starts toward the stairs, only to spot an enormous slavering doberman
waiting at the top.

Just then the parrot screams, Sicem, Jesus!

John R. Snyder

When I recently bought a t-shirt from a company called East
Beach, it came with this instruction sheet, which I found amusing:

OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS:

Pull garment on over head, placing arms through appropriate openings.
Finish with label at back of collar with design facing out.
_Fashion note – tail can be worn out for casual or tucked in for formal_
Wear shirt to pre-determined occasion.
_Important note – remove all tags or labels, such as this one, before
wearing in public_
After shirt is sufficiently soiled, place in washing machine (note –
for best results remove shirt)
Leave the shirt just the way you removed it – inside out. Wash warm
water/cool rinse.
_Note – Xtreme shirts are NOT underwear – dont let your mother throw it
in hot water, and keep her away from the bleach_
Dry on low heat, air or line dry.
Return garment to right-side out and repeat step 1.

10. Likes people that oppress him: teachers, parents, principals, police, and authority figures.

9. Is overly enthusiastic about Dungeons and Dragons and other role playing games.

8. Very familiar with megahertz, wears glasses and, can quote scripture.

7. Frequently speaks of martial arts, but still gets beaten up.

6. Says Whom instead of Who.

5. Is pleased when disruptive individuals are sent to the office, so that they can continue with their learning.

4. Prefers NPR to any music.

3. Gets upset when there is a test or quiz that he did not know about.

2. Rooted for Deep-Blue in the famous chess game.

1. Must be pulled off bridge when not accepted at the college of his choice.