A guy goes into the hospital for exploratory surgery. Waking up from the anaesthesia he sees his doctor standing at his bed side. So tell me Doc, what did you find out?.
The Doctor says, Son we have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we were able to save your private parts.
Yes that is good news Doc, but what about the bad news?
We put them under your pillow…
19
Aug
18
Aug
Un señor de 80 años llega al médico para un chequeo de rutina y el doctor le pregunta cómo se siente.
¡Nunca estuve mejor!, le responde. Tengo una novia de 18 años embarazada que tendrá un hijo mÃo.
El doctor piensa por un momento y dice:
PermÃtame contarle una historia: Yo conocà a un hombre que era un ávido cazador, nunca se perdió una temporada de caza, pero un dÃa salió rápido y se confundió, tomando su paraguas en vez de su rifle. Asà que él estaba en el bosque cuando apareció un gran oso. El cazador levantó su paraguas, le apuntó al oso y disparó…
¿Y que pasó?, preguntó el anciano.
El oso cayó muerto frente a él.
Es imposible, exclamó el señor, ¡algún otro hombre debe haberlo hecho!
A este punto querÃa llegar…, dijo el doctor.
18
Aug
Un señor fue a una tienda en un barrio chino y vio que estaban vendiendo un ratón de oro. Le dio curiosidad y preguntó al dueño:
¿Y ese ratón de oro para qué es?
Eso es de una leyenda antigua y la historia es muy larga. Si lo compra hay que comprar la historia aparte.
Entonces, compro el ratón.
¿No quiere la historia?
No.
Y el tipo se fue con el ratón. Al rato se dio cuenta que lo perseguÃan muchos ratones. Al llegar a su casa, ésta se llenó rápidamente de ratones. Preocupado, el tipo salió a caminar, seguido por todos los ratones, tiró el ratón de oro a una alcantarilla y los ratones se metieron al la acantarilla y se ahogaron.
El tipo regresó a la tienda y el dueño le dice al verlo llegar: ¿Vino por la historia, no?
No. ¡Vine a ver si tenÃa un abogado de oro!
18
Aug
Estaba un borracho en el autobús tocándole las tetas a una señorita muy descaradamente, cuando ella le salta:
¡Oye! ¿Por qué no metes las manos en otro lado?
El borracho:
¡No me tiente!¡No me tiente!
18
Aug
Whats better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.
18
Aug
What do the Green Bay Packers and Monica have in common???
They both blew the big one.
18
Aug
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircrafts electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopters position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopters window. The pilots sign said WHERE AM I? in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.
18
Aug
A husband and wife had been fighting for 3-4 days.
The next morning they got up and were still not talking. The wife broke the silence by saying she had a dream last night.
The husband asked her about what.
She said she had a dream she was at an auction. They were auctioning off Penises. The little ones went for $500.00 and the big ones went for $1000.00.
The husband throws out his chest and curiously asked what one like his went for. His wife told him bluntly that they were giving them away as door prizes!
Her husband non-chalantly brushes this aside and tell his wife that I had a dream last night too. They were auctioning off Pussys. The loose ones went for $500.00 and the tight ones went for $1000.00.
The wife, not quite thinking he would come back at her asked him how much one like hers sold for.
Sell? The didnt sell yours… where in the hell do you think they held the auction!
18
Aug
TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You dont have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) Its O.K. when the person youre with fantasizes youre someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now youll still enjoy candy.
4) If you dont like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesnt matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
18
Aug
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.Well, said the American, I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here.Thats amazing! said one of the doctors, But what happened to the other two?Last I saw them, replied the American, the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his.