Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldnt get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform.
It wouldnt get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
What kind of bunny drinks coffee?
Mugs bunny!
This lady got home and bursts in yelling, Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery! The husband says Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains? She then replies, I dont care…Just get the hell out!
Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.
A tax preparer was helping some customers.
The first guy comes in and the tax man asks him, How much money did you make last year?
The guy answers, Oh, about $100,000
Gee, thats good! what do you do
Im a lawyer for a big corporation, etc
So the tax man finishes up with him and the next guy comes in.
How much money did you make last year?
I made $150,000 dollars
Oh really? What do you do?
Well, Im the head doctor at this big hospital …
And so the taxman finishes with him.
The third guy comes in and the taxman asks him,How much money did you make last year?
The guy answers, Well, last year was a pretty good year, I made about $9,000
The tax man asks him, Oh, really? What instrument do you play?
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:
Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin.
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but being the lazy no- goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.
They simply wrote: Returned unopened.
There are three guys talking in a pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives; the third remains quiet.
After a while, one of the first two turns to the third and says, Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?
The third fellow says, Ill tell you. Just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees.
The first two guys were amazed! What happened then? they asked.
She said, Get outo from under the bed and fight like a man!
Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, weve got our whole lives ahead of us, and youre inside worrying about a burned-out bulb?
Border Collie:
Just one. And then Ill replace any wiring thats not up to code.
Dachshund:
You know I cant reach that damned stupid lamp!
Rottweiler:
Make me.
Lab:
Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Siberian Husky:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while hes busy.
Jack Russell Terrier:
Ill just pop it in while Im bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Poodle:
Ill just blow in the Border Collies ear and hell do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher:
While its dark, Im going to sleep on the couch.
Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark …
Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound:
Can somebody else do it? Ive got this hangover…..
Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there….
Greyhound:
It isnt moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd:
First, Ill put all the light bulbs in a little circle …
Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? Im sorry, but I dont see a light bulb?
German Shepherd:
Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID,STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!
Great Dane:
Do any of you need to reach the lightbulb by climbing on my back ???
Hound Dog:
ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz
Cat:
Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?
1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
2. Dont imagine you can change a man – unless hes in diapers.
3. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
4. So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
5. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put the mall there.
6. Tell him youre not his type – you have a pulse.
7. Never let your mans mind wander. Its too little to be let out alone.
8. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators cant dance or buy drinks.
9. Never sleep with a man whos named his penis.
10. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.
11. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
12. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
13. Women dont make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
14. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
15. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
16. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
17. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldnt ask for directions.
18. If he asks what sort of books youre interested in, tell him checkbooks.
19. A mans idea of serious commitment is usually Oh all right, Ill stay the night.
There was a husband and a wife. The husband was very sick, so the wife took him to the hospital and the doctor checked him out. Then the doctor asked the wife to come into his office so they could talk about what was wrong with her husband. He explained that, if she wanted her husband to live, she would have to pamper him, wait on him hand and foot, and not challenge him or argue with him — her husband needed absolute rest and no stress whatsoever. However, if her husband did any work or moved around much or got upset about anything, he would die. The doctor asked if she understood these conditions, and the wife assured him that she did. When the wife came out, the husband asked her, “so what is the matter with me? Am I going to die?” And the wife said, “Yes, honey, Im afraid youre going to die.”