Old and New Jokes

One day a planet is discovered out Antares way whose sole inhabitant is an enormous humanoid, three miles high and made of granite.

At first it is mistaken for an immense statue left by some vanished race of giants, for it squats motionless on a yellow plain, exhibiting no outward sign of life.

It has legs, but it never rises to walk on them. It has a mouth, but never eats or speaks. It has what appears to be a perfectly functional brain, the size of a condominium, but the organ lies dormant, electrochemical activity at a standstill. Yet it lives. This puzzles the hell out of the scientists, who try everything they can think of to get some sign of life from the behemoth – in vain.

It just squats, motionless and seemingly thoughtless, until one day a xenobiologist, frustrated beyond endurance, screams, How could evolution give legs, mouth and brain to a creature that doesnt use them?

It happens that hes the first one to ask a direct question in the things presence. It rises with a thunderous rumble to its full height, scattering the clouds, thinks for a second, booms, IT COULDNT, and squats down again.

Migod, exclaims the xenobiologist, of course! It only stands to reason!

From Spider Robinsons Off the Wall at Calahans.

Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!

Yo mama head so big she has to step into her shirts.

Yo mama so lazy shes got a remote control just to operate her remote!

There was this blonde applying for a job and saw a sign that said needed for paint job, Come here. So she went to the house and knocked on the door.

She said,Im here for the paint job;and the guy said,Ok.Heres the paint I want you to paint the porch.



She said, No Problem, and set off to work. She finished the first coating and decided because it didnt take very long she would give it a second coat.



She finished the second and knocked on the door. She said, I gave it two coats and oh,by the way, Its not a porsche, Its a ferrarie.

I would have to say that my favorite movie of all time is Annie. I
especially love the part where DeNiro plays Russian Roulette in the VC
prison camp. Wait, that was The Deer Hunter… Oh, what the hell — I
love em both!

– Dave George

Weve got the
Atkins diet, the South Beach diet and the Jenny Craig diet. Id like to
introduce an even cheaper and more effective diet, the COSTCO diet! Its
cost effective and easy to do even on your busiest shopping day. Heres
how it works.
Start by making a grocery list of 10 or more items and then head to your
local COSTCO or similar warehouse store. When you get there, carefully
tear your list into strips and put all the strips in your pocket. Grab
a shopping cart and youre ready to go!
Pull out the first strip and make your way all the way across the store
to that item. As you trek through the store, you will see vendors giving
out free food samples. As you pass the third one, take a sample of what
ever they are selling. Repeat with each strip of paper until you have
finished your shopping. By the time you are finished, you will have eaten
5 to 10 samples and will have walked at least 5 miles.
There are several important points to remember;
1) There is a law of nature that says, "Whatever you look for in
COSTCO will be on the opposite side of the warehouse." This ensures
that you will walk far enough to satisfy the American Heart Associations
exercise requirement.
2) Do not skip the melba-toast with cream cheese sample in order to get
the Ben and Jerrys ice cream sample. Its the randomness of the food
selection that guarantees a balanced diet.
3) Do not double dip. Getting two samples from the same vendor at the
same time is NOT acceptable. We know you wont get two samples of fried
squid to make up for it, so dont kid yourself when you grab that second
cup of ice cream.
If you dont have paper to write your shopping list on, you can get a
similarly random list by calling your spouse. "Hi! Im at Costco,
want anything?" will almost always result in half a dozen things
that you just have to buy. Dont forget to pick up a 10 pack of writing
tablets on aisle 10.

A man and his alligator walk into a bar and the man asks, Does this bar serve lawyers?

Of course we do, replied the bartender.

Great, said the man, Id like a beer… and give me a lawyer for my gator.

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had all of the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: This bull mated 50 times last year.The wife turns to her husband and says, He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: This bull mated 65 times last year.The wife turns to her husband and says, This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month! You can learn from this one, also.They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: This bull mated 365 times last year.The wifes mouth drops open and says, WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one.The man turns to his wife and says, Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow.

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.

How am I doing? He asks.

Three knots, she replies.

Three knots? Whats that mean?

Youre not hard, youre not in, and youre not getting your money back.