Old and New Jokes

What did Princess Grace have that Natalie Wood needed?

A good stroke.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

In honor of this holy season, Saint Peter said, You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.

It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates, Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, Theyre bells.

Saint Peter said, You may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of womens panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, And just what part of Christmas do those symbolize?

The man replied, Dont worry, theyre not mine… Theyre Carols.

A woman married 35 years asked her husband on their anniversary, What were you thinking the very first time you saw me?

He replied, I wanted to suck those tits dry and fuck your brains out, dear.

She asked, And what do you think when you look at me now, darling?

I think I did a damn good job!

A: If they dropped them, theyd break.

There were three blondes living together.

Blonde #1 was coming back from grocery shopping, and she dropped her keys. She walked down the stairs to get them, and she said to herself, Am I going up the stairs or down the stairs?

So, she stood there puzzled, the bags of groceries still in her hands.

Blonde #2 was taking a bath, and was draining the tub because it was too cold. With her hair still dry, she said to herself, Was I getting in the tub or out of the tub? She stood there, just thinking about it.

Blonde #3 was sitting in the living room in front of the coffee table, and she said to herself, Knock on wood Im not as stupid as the other two! She knocked the table and sat there puzzled: Was that the front door or the back door?

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

Why, of course, comes the reply.
The first man then asks, Where are you from?

Im from Ireland, replies the second man.

The first man responds by saying, You dont say. Im from Ireland too. Lets have another round to Ireland.

Of course, replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks, Where in Ireland are you from?

Dublin, comes the reply.
I cant believe it, says the first man, Im from Dublin too. Lets have another drink to Dublin.

Of course, replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, What school did you go to?

St Marys, replies the second man, I graduated in 1962.

This is unbelievable, the first man says. I went to St Marys and I graduated in 1962 too.

About that time, one of the regulars comes in and sits down at the bar.

Whats been going on? he asks the barman.

Nothing much, replies the barman. The OMalley twins are drunk again.

Dos amigos están en el estadio viendo un partido de fútbol del equipo de su pueblo que está más aburrido que una fiesta de carpetas. De repente, uno le dice al otro:

¿Ves ese calvo que tengo delante, ése que está como un armario?

Sí, ¿qué pasa?

¿Qué te juegas a que le meto una chota en la nuca?

¿Qué dices, tío? ¡Venga, me juego una cena si quieres!

Vale.

El tío levanta la mano y le zurra una al calvo que le deja marca en el cuello. Éste se da la vuelta encendido:

¡Ahhhh! ¿Quién ha sido? ¡Que me lo cargo!

¡Pepeeeeeee! ¡Joder, cuánto tiempo, tío!

¿Qué? ¡Yo no soy Pepe!, responde indignado el calvo.

Ah, lo siento perdona. Me he confundido de persona.

Que no se repita…

Vale, vale.

Pasan los minutos y el partido sigue igual de aburrido.

Oye, ¿te juegas algo a que le doy otra aún más fuerte?

Lo que quieras, tío, me juego lo que quieras.

El pegón mira al calvo fijamente; espera a que esté distraído y…

Este es el momento, piensa.

Se pone de pie, levanta la mano y le suelta una que lo tira del asiento.

¡AHHHHHH! ¡Pero bueno, qué pasa contigo, te voy a matar!

¡Pepe, coño, a mí no me engañas, tú eres Pepe!

¡QUE NOOOOOO! ¡A LA MIERDAA! ¡QUE NO SOY PEPEEEEE!

Hostia, tío, lo siento, estaba convencido. Ya me ha quedao claro, perdona.

GRRRR…

Total que termina el partido, y cuando están saliendo del campo, ven un poco delante de ellos sobresalir la calva del pobre hombre.

¿A que le meto otra más fuerte?

¿Qué? Me juego si quieres la paga de la semana.

Vale. Atento.

El tío que coge carrerilla y empieza a apartar a la gente:

A ver, por favor, señora, que voy a zurrarle al calvo. Ese perro, por favor, ¿de quién es, que molesta?

En eso, sale corriendo con el puño cerrado alzado. La gente animando:

¡EH, EH, EH, EH, EH!

Cuando llega donde está el calvo, salta y le da con toda su alma en la nuca. El calvo da dos vueltas de campana; arrolla a una viejecita y se empotra contra un árbol. Aturdido mira hacia atrás con los ojos inyectados en sangre y murmura:

¡Q… Qué coño…!

¡¡¡PEPEEEEEEE, JODER, TÍO, EN EL CAMPO HE VISTO UNO QUE ERA IGUAL QUE TÚ!!!

So many pedestrians, so little time.

Heres a list of some cute letters kids have written to God:



Dear GOD:

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why dont You just keep the ones You have? – Jane



Dear GOD:

Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. – Larry



Dear GOD:

If You watch me in church on Sunday, Ill show You my new shoes. – Mickey



Dear GOD:

I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. – Nan



Dear GOD:

In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? – Jane



Dear GOD:

I read the Bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. – Love, Alison



Dear GOD:

Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? – Lucy



Dear GOD:

Is it true my father wont get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? Anita



Dear GOD:

Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma



Dear GOD:

Who draws the lines around the countries? – Nan



Dear GOD:

I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil



Dear GOD:

What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane



Dear GOD:

Did You really mean do unto others as they do unto you? Because if You did, then Im going to fix my brother. – Darla



Dear GOD:

Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. – Joyce



Dear GOD:

It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)



Dear GOD:

Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom L.



Dear GOD:

Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce



Dear GOD:

If we come back as something else, please dont let me be MaryHorton – because I hate her. – Denise



Dear GOD:

If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything You want, except my money or my chess set. – Raphael



Dear GOD:

I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. – Sam



Dear GOD:

You dont have to worry about me. I always look both ways. – Dean



Dear GOD:

I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth M.



Dear GOD:

I think about You sometimes even when Im not praying – Elliott



Dear GOD:

Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.- Rob



Dear GOD:

My brother told me about being born but it doesnt sound right. Theyre just kidding, arent they? – Marsha



Dear GOD:

I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. – Love, Chris



Dear GOD:

We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it So I bet he stole your idea. – Sincerely, Donna



Dear GOD:

The bad people laughed at Noah – You made an ark on dry land, you fool. But he was smart, he stuck with You. Thats what I would do. – Eddie



Dear GOD:

I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. – Charles



Dear GOD:

I didnt think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. – Eugene

Confusius say: Man who board plane sideways going to Bangkok.