Old and New Jokes

Trish: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.

Doctor: You should diet.

Trish: Really? What color?

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there,a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.Moral of the story: 1) Not everyone who s**ts on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of s**t is your friend.
3) And when youre in deep s**t, its best to keep your mouth shut

How to tell the species of bear you are looking at:

Go over to him, and kick him in the behind. Run up a nearby tree.
If he climbs the tree and eats you, hes a black bear. If he
knocks the tree down and eats you, hes a grizzly.

— October 1990 Backpacker Magazine

A guy walks into a bar in Argentina. He sees a familiar character, albeit much older now, sitting at the bar. He approaches, examines his face, and asks:

Excuse me, but arent you Adolf Hitler?

Vy yes, I am Adolf Hitler.

But I thought you were dead!

Ach. I get a lot of dat. But in fact, I am chust biding my time, planning a scheme to kill fifty million Jews and eight of der Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.

What? the guy exclaims. Why would you want to kill eight of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders?

Hitler turns to another fellow sitting at the bar next to him. You see vat I mean? Nobody gives a damn about da Jews!!!

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying, And yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.
Oh No! the President exclaims, Thats terrible!
His staff is stunned at this display of emotion, and watching nervously as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, How many is a brazillion?

Joke found on: Fierce Finger

A Slide Rule doesnt shut down abruptly when it gets too hot.
One hundred people all using Slide Rules and Paper Pads do not start
wailing and screaming due to a single-point failure.
A Slide Rule doesnt smoke whenever the power supply hiccups.
A Slide Rule doesnt care if you smoke, or hiccup.
You can spill coffee on a Slide Rule; you can use a Slide Rule while
completely submerged in coffee.
You never get nasty system messages about filling up your entire
paper quota with pointless GIF pictures for the root window.
A Slide Rule and Paper Pad fit in a briefcase with space left over
for lunch or a change of underwear.
A properly used Slide Rule can perform pipelined *and* parallel
operations. (Okay, you need a guru for this.)
You dont get junk mail offering pricey software upgrades that fix
current floating point errors while introducing new ones.
A Slide Rule doesnt need scheduled hardware maintenance.
A Paper Pad supports text and graphics images easily, and can be
easily upgraded from monochrome to color.
Slide Rules are designed to a standardized, open architecture.
You can hold a Slide Rule at arms length, to hit the obnoxious
person at the next seat over.
A Slide Rule is immune to viruses, worms, and other depredations
from hostile adolescents with telephones.
Additional Paper Pads can be integrated into the system seamlessly
and without needing to reconfigure everything.
Nobody will make you feel bad by introducing a smaller, faster,
cheaper slide rule next month.

A true story that happened in Prague about 15 years ago.

A gang visited an office during the night to pick up the safe but they could not open it.

To revenge, they took all keys they found in the office and went to throw them in the river. They were arrested just after they got rid of the last one, only some key tags remained in their pockets.

One of them read: Keys for the safe.

A blonde is over at this Coke Machine putting fifty cents in, taking the coke, putting it in her pockets, throwing the quarters in, taking the coke, putting it in her pockets, throwing the quarters in, taking the Coke, putting it in her pockets. After a while she has a Coke in every pocket. She keeps going, stacking the Cokes around her on the floor. Finally, the guy

behind her, getting mad, asks her, What Are You Doing?! She responds, Duh, Im winning.

Sunday morning services were going very smoothly when suddenly a flash of light and smoke appeared in front of the pulpit followed by a large BOOM. When the smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw a red figure complete with horns, pitchfork and tail.

Immediately, panic set in. People crowded through the doors, trampling each other in their rush to get away. Satan watched the retreat with great glee, but his mood was disturbed by the sight of one man still lounging comfortably in his pew.



Do you not know who I am?, Satan thundered.



The mans reply was nonchalant, Sure I do.



Satan was puzzled. Do you not fear me?



Nope.



Why not?



The man snorted, What for? I been married to your sister for 35 years!

Did you know that 87.166253% of all statistics claim a precision of results that is not justified by the method employed?