Old and New Jokes

Im down here
Just because Ive got bells on my shoes, doesnt mean Im a sissy.
I was once a lawn ornament for NSynch. Want to meet them?
I can get you off Santas naughty list.
I have certain needs that cant be satisfied by working on toys.
Im a magical being. Can I try to make your top and bra disappear?
No, no. I dont bake cookies. Youre thinking of those dorks over at Keebler.
Get an eyedropper of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man.
Youd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.
I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners!

People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark. The preacher says, Id like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering and five guys stand up. The restrooms are outside. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because It aint never been in a hole it couldnt get out of. When it rains, everyone is smiling. Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice. The choir group is known as the OK Chorale. The pastor wears boots. Four generations of the same family sit together in worship. There is no such thing as a secret sin. Baptism is referred to as branding. There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank. Finding and returning lost sheep isnt just a parable. High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling. People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish. People think rapture is when you lift something too heavy. The final words of the benediction are, Yall come back now, ya hear?

Returning from the mens room, a bar customer was shaking his head.
Whats the matter? inquired the bartender.

While I was in the bathroom back there, I noticed among the
scribblings on the wall, and one that said: WENDY GIVES REALLY
FABULOUS HEAD – ABSOLUTELY THE GREATEST B.J. IN THE WHOLE WIDE
WORLD! replied the customer.

Ah buddy, I wouldnt give it a second thought, we get jerks in
here like anywhere else, said the bartender.

I know, continue the headshaker. One of them has scratched out
the phone number!

Tri Tran-Viet

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but hes afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he cant climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He cant hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guys chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

So, says the little guy, are you feeling any better now?

Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game, $10,000 a minute assuming he averages about 30 minutes a game.

Assuming $40 mil in endorsements next year, hell be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!

Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see Independence Day, itll cost him $7.00, but hell make $18,550 while hes there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, hell make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike)

Hell make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 days.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

A quickie will net him $1855.

Hell probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

He could take 1/100,000th of his income and buy some poor college student 5200 packages of Ramen.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997.

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, youd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

Hell make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.

Hell make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.

While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, hell pull in about $5600.

Next year, hell make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined.

And something to cheer you up after all of this …

Jordan will only have to have this income for 270 more years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.

Or does that make you more sick?

The Top Ten Nerf Toys!

10. The Nerf Sling shot for those whose parents do not approve of any type of weapon. (Dont shoot at point blank range, it may cause longterm damage to target)

9. The nerf nerve prodder delivers quick shocks to target, three settings nerf, old timer, and die die die.

8. The nberf raygun is a compact gun with two settings dont hurt nothin (nerf) and blow your bedroom walls to oblivian.

7. The nerf exploding football is the perfect tool for teaching your children how to catch a football. (Football if dropped delivers a 50 mega ton nuclear explosion to surrounding area and state)

6. The nerf robotic ping pong opponent is great for the experienced ping pong player, it also teaches advanced techniques. (if the robotic nerf ping pong players opponent misses the ping pong ball during a game, this robot has been known to chuck a large number of balls at his/her head)

5. the nerf electronic Karate tutor is an excelent addition to any dojo, the karate tutor is programed with black belt experience. (if karate tutor is not wearing nerf sandals and gloves serious injury could occur)

4. Nerf cookies are great for practical jokes they look, feel, and almost never taste like the real thing. (if oinjested the nerf cookie could cause longterm mental and physical complications.

3. Nerf bodyt parts make another good eddition to your practical joke kit. (blood sold seperately)

2. Nerf Iowan mask is great for wearing in Iowa infact itll even fool the cowa. (mask is actually a replica of Arne Carlsons face and will get you hurt)

1. The nerf disguise kit is so good itll even fool your local lawyer. (he he)

What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?
Line dancing at the nursing home.

Yo Mama is so fat that when shes walking on the sidewalk the police arrest her for j-walking.

1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen, you might be a college student.

Only a mediocre person is always at their best.