Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Halifax!
Halifax who?
Halifax you if you fax me!

Nothing is as permanent as that which is called temporary.

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out
of the water?

A couple whod been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?

He moved over and sat close to her.

Dear, she continued, do you remember how you used to hold me tight?

He reached over and held her tight.

And, she went on, do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?

With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.

Where are you going? she asked.

Well, answered the husband, I have to get my teeth.

Mar 18, 1997 (AP)

Following the recent announcement that all available humor has been used, and is now being recycled, a very unexpected reactionhas occurred in Congress. Responding to a flood of calls and letters,, members of both houses of Congress have come together to attempt to resolve the problem. In a rare show of bipartisan cooperation, a majority of Senators and Representatives signed a letter to the President asking him to release some of the US strategic reserves of humor.

It is a little known fact, but the United States keeps a large reserve of humor, in a manner similar to that in which oil reserves are stored. Located in abandoned salt caves buried deep in Louisiana, the humor is stored for times of national emergency and general unhappiness.

Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, in a statement made during a press conference to announce the letter stated: The American people have spoken. The vas majority of the comments we have all received have been from people who are tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again. Granted, there are some that are true classics, and one never grows tired of hearing them, but too many are marginal the first time one hears them, and they do not get any better with time. I would urge Mr Clinton to act swiftly, and to release some of the humor that has been stored away for years. It is in the best interest of the country to do so.

Providing counter point, alan Greenspan, Chairman of the Federal Reserve, responded: Few know this, but one of my duties as Fed chairman is to be the honorary Commissioner of Comedy. It is my belief that there is sufficient humor in the economy, and that an infusion of additional humor could lead to comedy inflation. currently, we now enjoy the lowest rate of comedy inflation in 30 years, and the Humor Retention Index HRI) is at the lowest that it has ever been. Just look at Al Gore. His hRI is so low that after he hears a joke, he forgets it before it reaches his brain. Releasing humor reserves at this time is ill-advised.

When asked for comment, Al Gore responded: Whats a joke? Whats a brain?

all of the arguments were made moot when it was reported by the FBI that the humor reserves had all disappeared. During an unrelated investigation, the FBI had received information that there might be an attempt made to obtain American humor by the Chinese, and when a check was made of the vaults, they were empty. Addressing a Senate Investigating Committee, Attorney General Janet Reno stated: Our investigation initially centered on the Chinese government, but we quickly exhonorated them. Our investigation found that the humor in the strategic reserves had been secretly removed by President Clinton, and sold to the Indonesians. For a donation of $25,000 and a pair of jogging shoes, Indonesian nationals were given a night in the Lincoln bedroom and all of the humor that they could remember. Evidently, this went on for some time. We finally got a break when one of our agents made the connection with large numbers of laughing Indonesians found in the vicinity of the White house, not wearing shoes, and carrying armloads of towels monogrammed with LB.

A white House spokesman read a statement from Mr Clinton. I dont see anything illegal or improper about telling a few jokes to the gardner or cook. If he wants to give me the shoes off his feet, who am I to turn down a friendly gesture like that. And if that same cook or gardner wants to donate $25,000 to my campaign, he has every right to do so. As for the Lincoln bedroom, these people have to sleep somewhere, and the Lincoln bedroom is not for sale. However, renting it for the night is not out of the question.

I heard this from my brother, who is a Search and Rescue pilot at Canadian
Forces Base Bagotville, Quebec. Its an apocryphal story that allegedly
happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio:

Helicopter Pilot: Roger, Im holding at 3000 over <such-and-such> beacon.

Second voice: NO! You cant be doing that! Im holding at 3000 over
that beacon!

(brief pause, then first voice again): You idiot, youre my co-pilot.

Redneck Driving Etiquette

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Redneck Personal Hygiene

Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, its time to change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using ones OWN truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

Redneck Dining Out

Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

Redneck Entertaining in Your Home

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table … no matter how good his manners are.
If your dog falls in love with a guests leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

Redneck Dating (Outside the Family)

Always offer to bait your dates hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: Ive been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the mens bathroom wall two years a go.
If a girls name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

Redneck Theater Etiquette

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cant hear you.

Redneck Wedding Etiquette

Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions

Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Always say Excuse me after getting sick in someone elses car.
Its considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if youre certain that you are included in the will, its considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family members..

Margaret Thatcher dies and strolls up the pearly staircase to the pearly gates,
where she is confronted by St. Peter, brandishing a clipboard. Name, says St.
Peter.

Margaret Thatcher, she replies.

St. Peter checks through all the lists on his clipboard but cannot find the name
of the former British leader. I am sorry, he says, you cannot come in. Your
place is downstairs, in Hell. Mrs. Thatcher turns and walks down the stairs.

A short time later the phone rings. St. Peter answers, and a voice says, Hello
Peter, it is the Devil speaking. You will have to take that bloody woman after
all – she is only been here for ten minutes and she has closed half the furnaces
to reduce capacity.

Two guys were walking along a road in Georgia when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop.

One guy was thrown through the windshield and his buddy was knocked down an embankment.

The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.

This is very upsetting for you guys. Research scientists at Guinness suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption after considering the results of a recent analysis, which had revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed eight pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100 percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldnt drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.