Old and New Jokes

What do the michigan wolverines and marijuana have in common? They both get smoked in bowls!

A Pole and a Russian find a suitcase full of money. Ah! says
the Russian, we will of course divide the money between us, like good
socialist brothers.

No way, says the Pole. Fifty-fifty.

Yo mama so fat that every time she goes to McDonalds they have to change the sign.

What is the difference between a used-car salesman
and a computer salesman?

The used-car salesman knows when hes lying to you!

A barman looks out the window of his bar and sees a guy riding a horse dressed in a hunting outfit with a rifle over one arm and a hound running along beside him.

He dismounts and comes walking into the bar where upon he takes the rifle off his shoulder and starts wandering around with his dog sniffing ever table, chair and small corner of the bar. After a while he approaches the barman who asks him what hes doing.

And the guy replies – Im hunting you idiot… cant you see that

! OK, OK… says the barman, Would you like a drink while you hunt ?.

Immediately the hunter says, Do you have any cheap Gin !!?.

Rather taken a back by the abruptness of his request the barman replies, No Im sorry Im all out of the cheap stuff is there anything else youd like ? .

No says the hunter and he starts to leave.

As he reaches the door the barman calls after him, Btw pal… exactly what do you hunt?

I hunt for cheap gin you bumbling idiot! Couldnt you tell that –

Im a BarGIN Hunter!

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the familys only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her – how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, Ive seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you. The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right. While the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.The young son replied, Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row? The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row? And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he

Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. Big diskettes may be folded and used in little disk drives.

Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.

Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a hung or hooked state. If your system is hooking you will probably need to

insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.

If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.

Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)

Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.

Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

A lawyers dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop
and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyers office and asks, If a dog
running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to
demand payment for the meat from the dogs owner? The lawyer answers,
Absolutely.

Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys
dont carry cash–its too plebeian–and the butcher hadnt brought the
shops credit card imprinter to the lawyers office].

Several periods of time later–it could be the next day but that would be
unrealistic–the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the
lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

Newt Gingrich says that the major networks should give free air time to anti drug messages. For example, they should come on during your favorite show and talk about how drugs and alcohol are a dead end street… and now back to Nash Bridges starring Cheech Marin and Don Johnson. (Maher)

Q: How many Alaskan women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hey Bob, this is Carol … I think I have a lightbulb out over here.