Old and New Jokes

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President.The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didnt get there by himself, he doesnt belong there, he cant get anything done while hes up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. Thats a post turtle."

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said “No thanks, I dont drink, I tried it once but I didnt like it!” So the bartender said, “Well would you like a cigarette,” but the man said “No, I dont smoke, I tried it once but I didnt like it!” The bartender asked him if hed like to play a game of pool, and again the man said “No I dont like pool, I tried it once but I didnt like it. As a matter of fact I wouldnt be here at all, but Im waiting on my son!” The bartender said, “Your only son I presume!!”

…do we use the word politics to describe the process so well: Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.

You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
You have to write post-it notes with your kids names on them.
The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heavens Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
You change your underwear after every sneeze.

Yo mama has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses.

Heard on the WRIF morning radio show:

Did you hear about the veterinarian who was also a taxidermist?

No matter what happens, youll always get your dog back.

A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist. But the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun.
Megan, age 14

Never give up because life gets harder as you get older. After preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and bumpier.
Angela Martin, age 11

Never blow in a cats ear because if you do, usually after three or four times, they will bite your lips! And they dont let go for at least a minute.
Lisa Coburn, age 9

Dont think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work. I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes every other day.
Nick Coleman,age 9

Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you dont know if they like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl and asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took that risk.
Bruce Wagner, age 13

There was a father and son in China that were very close. They used to go everywhere together including looking for chicken (Chinese slang for prostitute).One day, the son decided to go oversea for study. The father was very
supportive, and before his son left, the father told him, We cannot
look for chicken together for the next few years. However, if you need
to look for chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it. But please
state the expense as Shooting Bird so that your mother will not
suspect.So the son left, and after a month, the father received the bill from
the son (shooting bird – $1000).Subsequently, and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird is more than $1000. Well, the father could not tolerate this, so he wrote to his son. Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper one.A month later, the father received another bill from his son. On it he
had written:Shooting Bird – $50
Rifle Repair – $2,000

Un chico va a pedir la mano de su novia al papá de ella. Al llegar, el padre la manda a su cuarto en la parte de arriba de la casa. Luego pregunta al muchacho:

¿Cuánto ganas?

El muchacho dice: El sueldo mínimo.

El padre grita: ¡A mi hija eso no le alcanza ni para el papel higiénico.

Decepcionado, el chico sale de la casa, y desde el balcón la novia le grita:

¿Qué pasó?

Y el chico le responde:

¡Hasta nunca, cagona!

– Bonitas piernas, ¿a qué hora abren?

– ¿Crees en el amor a primera vista o tengo que volver a pasar delante tuyo?

– Si estás buscando el tocador de damas, no busques más… soy yo.

– ¿Trabajas para Federal Express?… porque pensé que me mirabas el paquete.

– Puede que no sea el tipo más guapo del bar, pero soy el único que te está hablando.

– Realmente estoy luchando contra la necesidad de hacerte esta noche la mujer más feliz del mundo.

– Por una sonrisa tuya recorrería un kilómetro… iría mucho más lejos por eso que haces con la lengua…

– Mi nombre es Rafa… recuérdalo porque lo estarás gritando más tarde.

– Mátame si no te sirvo, pero primero pruébame.

– Estoy buscando el 1/2 para llevarte a mi 1/4.

– Estoy buscando Diosas para una nueva religión… y acabo de elegirte.

– Mañana me meto en un convento para ser cura… ¿me ayudas a disfrutar la última noche?

– Soy homosexual… ¿me ayudas a cambiar?

– Uy que perro más encantador, ¿tiene número de teléfono?

– ¿Mañana te despierto con el codo o con el teléfono?

– ¿Te estudio o te trabajo?

– Bonitos pantalones, quedarían muy bien en el suelo de mi dormitorio.

– Discúlpame… ¿tienes hora?… es que se me PARÓ cuando te vi.

– El médico me prohibió levantar cosas pesadas… ¿me ayudas a orinar?

– Hola, soy nuevo acá, ¿me puedes decir donde queda tu departamento?

– ¿Te importa si compartimos el taxi hacia mi casa?

– Tengo bonitos relojes, ¿quieres ver mi mesita de noche?

– ¿Nos conocemos de algún sitio? ¿o es que no te reconozco porque traes ropa puesta?

– ¿Que te gustaría para el desayuno?

– Podría sacarte de mi sucia lista de fantasías si quieres.

– Bonita blusa, ¿puedo hablarte sin ella?

– Tengo sed nena, y tu hueles a Gatorade.

A la chica de la fotocopiadora:

– Reproduciendo ¿eh?… ¿puedo ayudar?

– Perdí mi número de teléfono, ¿me prestas el tuyo?

– Jugar al doctor es para niños, ven y juguemos al ginecólogo.

– Señorita, si ya perdió su virginidad, me podría regalar la cajita en que venía.