Old and New Jokes

Ancient History Explained…

A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on it, in order:

A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David.

After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time.

The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women were held in very high esteem – most likely a family oriented culture.

They probably used the donkey to till the fields.

The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.

The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.

The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.

A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker.

When acknowledged he said, Im sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left.

That way it reads, Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!

They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now. You can call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers.

En un bar hay un borracho que llora y llora como un bebé… Un buen hombre se le acerca y trata de charlar con él para consolarlo:

¿Qué le pasa buen hombre, por qué está tan angustiado?

Es que hace un par de horas le vendí mi esposa a un tipo por una botella de whisky…

Comprendo, debe ser terrible, ahora que ella no está viene el arrepentimiento y la querría volver a tener a su lado.

¡Totalmente correcto, así es, sin ninguna duda, así es!

Y ahora que se fue se da cuenta de lo mucho que la amaba, y…

¡No, no, no! Desearía volver a tenerla porque ya me hace falta otra botella.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.



When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.



The bartender approaches and tells him, You know, a pints goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time.



The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and Im in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that wed drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each ome brothers and one for me self.



The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.



One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.



When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, I dont want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.



The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. Oh, no, everybodys just fine, He explains. Its just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.



Hasnt affected me brothers though.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

97. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, I cant live in the same room with you, storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.

If success consisted simply of not taking chances, then glory would be at the disposal of the most mediocre talent.

There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.

As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace.

Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven.

You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment.

Is there anything which your holiness desires?

Well, yes, the Pope replied. I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages.

Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the Actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, with-out the dimming of memories over time.

Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the History of mans relationship with God.

Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over, Theres an R, theres an R — its celibRate!

Three ministers are talking over lunch and before long find themselves discussing how much of the weekly donations was appropriate to keep and how much to give to the Lord. The first minister says, “I just draw a line on the floor, put one foot on both sides, and throw the money into the air. Whatever lands on the right side of the line is God’s and whatever lands on the left is mine.” The second minister notes that he uses a similar method, but I use a small coffee table when I throw the money in the air and whatever lands on the table goes to the Lord and whatever lands on the floor is mine. They both contemplate each others answer and finally turn to the third minister who is sitting there without saying anything. Well, how do you do it? asks the first to the third. Well, I do as you both do and throw the money into the air, but I figure whatever the Lord wants, hell grab, and I keep whatever hits the floor.

Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Seven – one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.

Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, and Michael Jackson rapes little kids.