Old and New Jokes

This one, also, comes from Sam Sexton, in Coventry.

This is more of a visual joke, as actions should accompany the words, but Ill
leave those to your imagination….

A deaf couple are getting married, and the man decides that they should make
sure from the start that they understand important matters, so he explains
to his bride:

When I want sex with you, I will squeeze your left breast once.

When I do not want sex with you, I will squeeze your right breast twice.

When you want sex with me, you should pull my penis once.

When you do not want sex with me, you should pull my penis fifty-five times.

Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Theyd also like to remove the socket as you arent using it now.

Never leave hold of what youve got until youve got hold of something else.

A patient goes to a Polish doctor:

Patient: I am having a hard time hearing. I cannot even hear myself cough. Doctor: Here is a prescription, take the midicine for 7 days, then return for a checkup.

Seven Days Later: Patient: Thanks a million, doctor. At least, I can hear myself cough now. So what did you do to make me hear better? Doctor: Not much, I gave you medicine that increased your cough.

No one ever steals your seat.
Gives bad hair day a whole new meaning.
Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
People stop stealing your pens after theyve seen where you keep them.
You want to see if its like the dream.
To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
Id love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.
Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.
Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
…and (drum roll) the number one reason to Go To Work Naked:
Your boss is always yelling I wanna see your ass in here by 8 in the morning!

-=} Randall {=- A naked man fears no pickpockets.

To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, my brother Franks church is going to have a special No Excuse Sunday:Cots will be placed in the vestibule for those who say that Sunday is the only day they can sleep in. We will have steel helmets for those who say the roof would cave in if they ever came to church. Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot. We will have hearing aids for those who say the Pastor speaks too softly – and cotton for those who say he preached too loudly. Score cards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present. Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sundays. There will be TV dinners for those who cant go to church and cook dinner too. One section will be devoted to trees and grass for all those who like to seek God in nature. Finally, the sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who have never seen the church without them.

This is supposedly a true story, told to me by a second source.

An older woman was cruising a busy parking lot just before
Christmas in her new Mercedes-Benz looking in vain for a
parking space. She finally saw someone loaded with packages
heading for a car, so she followed him, put on her blinker and
waited patiently until he pulled out. Just as he pulled out
a young man in a sleek black Porsche zipped in to the space ahead of her.
She was dumbfounded and outraged, and jumped out of her car, shouting,

How could you do that?
Didnt you see me waiting there with my signal on?
to which he replied,
Thats what happens when youre young and fast.

As the young man was about to enter the store he heard the
hideous crunch of metal striking metal. He ran back, horrified, to
see that the woman had gunned her Mercedes and smashed it into his
beautiful black Porsche. He ran back and cried,
How could you do that? to which she replied,

Thats what happens when youre old and rich!

A guy worked in an adult book store. One afternoon his friend walked in.

The guy said, Dude,thank goodness you showed up! Im starving, and I need you to watch the counter for me for a few minutes, while I run across the street to get some lunch.

The friend looked around the store, then looked back at his friend oddly.

The guy said, Dude, dont ask any questions, just sell it to em.

The friend said, Ok. So the guy left.

A customer came in, and went up to the counter. She said, I want a vibrator. What do you have?

The friend said, We got red ones, white ones, black ones, big ones, little ones and medium sized ones.

The lady said, Ill take a little red one to carry in my bag.

He sold it to her.

Another woman walked in. She approached the counter and said, I would like a vibrator, what do you have?

The friend replied, Red, black or white, large, medium or small.

The woman asked, Well, what about the red, white and black checkered one up there?

The friend said, Well, Ill sell it to ya if you want, so she bought it.

A few minutes later the guy came back from lunch and said, Thanks Dude, youre a life saver. So did you sell anything?

The friend said, Yeah, I sold a little red vibrator and a thermos.

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.

For example:

1 – What are you thinking?

The proper answer to this question, of course is, Im sorry if Ive been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you. Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

a – Baseball b – Football c – How fat you are d – How much prettier she is than you e – How he would spend the insurance money if you died

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. If I wanted you to know, Al said, Id be talking instead of thinking.

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2 – Do you love me?

The correct answer to this question is, Yes. For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, Yes, dear. Wrong answers include:

a – I suppose so. b – Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c – That depends on what you mean by love. d – Does it matter? e – Who, me?

3 – Do I look fat?

The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, No, of course not and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:

a – I wouldnt call you fat, but I wouldnt call you thin either. b – Compared to what? c – A little extra weight looks good on you. d – Ive seen fatter. e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4 – Do you think shes prettier than me?

The she in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, No, you are much prettier. Wrong answers include:

a – Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b – I dont know how one goes about rating such things. c – Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. d – Only in the sense that shes younger and thinner. e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5 – What would you do if I died?

Correct answer: Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Dominos Pizza truck that came my way. This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid exchange:

Dear, said the wife. What would you do if I died? Why, dear, I would be extremely upset, said the husband.Why do you ask such a question? Would you remarry? persevered the wife. No, of course not, dear said the husband. Dont you like being married? said the wife. Of course I do, dear he said. Then why wouldnt you remarry? Alright, said the husband, Id remarry. You would? said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. Yes said the husband. Would you sleep with her in our bed? said the wife after a long pause. Well yes, I suppose I would. replied the husband. I see, said the wife indignantly. And would you let her wear my old clothes? I suppose, if she wanted to said the husband. Really, said the wife icily. And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her? Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do. Is that so? said the wife, leaping to her feet. And I suppose youd let her play with my golf clubs, too. Of course not, dear, said the husband. Shes left-handed…

Answering machines. Nowadays almost everyone has one, complete with a snappy
message of their own device. Wait for the BEEP and then read on.
This is a short adaptation of Simon Butler-Whites and Clive Archers
could-be phone messages released in Australian Cleo, August 1989.
(Some of them are bit old, Maggie aint prime minister of the UK, and
Kylie Minogue isnt seeing Jason Donovan anymore, but youll get the meaning
anyway, Im sure).