Old and New Jokes

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducked.

Did you hear that the lab finally determined
what was on Monica Lewinskys dress?

It was Big Mac sauce.

Whats the difference between a man and a condom?

Condoms have changed. Theyre no longer thick and insensitive.

What do UFOs and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but you never see any for yourself.

Why is sex like a game of cards?
Because if you dont have a good partner, youd better have a good hand.

Whats the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky?
Whisky improves with age.

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it is unused.

What do you call a man who has suddenly lost 98 percent of his brain?
Divorced.

Did you hear about the stupid man who wanted to be a chef?
He thought coq au vin was sex in the back of a lorry.

Why dont women like basketball players as lovers?
Because they always dribble before they shoot.

Did you hear about the man who used to complain about the decorating while having sex?
He was destined to a life of DIY.

What are the three types of men?
The handsome,
the caring and the majority.

Whats a mans ultimate embarrassment?
Walking into a wall with an erection and hurting his nose.

What is a man?
A life-support machine for a penis.

Whats the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
You dont have to ask – you can see who the best man is.

What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Slow down.

Why do men find it hard to make eye contact?
Breasts dont have eyes.

What should you do with your old mates after a good night in?
Tie them in knots and throw them in the bin.

What do you call a Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.

Temperature in Fahrenheit:



+60 Californians put on sweaters.



+50 Miami residents turn on the heat.



+45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.



+40 You can see your breath.

Californians shiver uncontrollably.

Minnesotans go swimming.



+35 Italians cars dont start.



+32 Water freezes.



+30 You plan your vacation in Australia.



+25 Ohio water freezes.

Californians weep pitiably

Minnesotans eat ice cream.

Canadians go swimming.



+20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.

New York City water freezes.

Miami residents plan vacation further south.



+15 French cars dont start.

Cat insists on sleeping with you.



+10 You need jumper cables to get the car going.



+ 5 American cars dont start.



0 Alaskans put on T-shirts.



-10 German cars dont start.

Eyes freeze shut when you blink.



-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.

Arkansans stick tongues on metal objects.

Miami residents cease to exist.



-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you.

Politicians actually do something about the homeless.

Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.

Japanese cars dont start.



-25 Too cold to think.

You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

Wisconsin-Eau Claire students walk rapidly across the footbridge.



-30 You plan a two week hot bath.

Swedish cars dont start.



-40 Californians disappear.

Minnesotans button top button.

Canadians put on sweater.

Your car helps you plan your trip south.



-50 Congressional hot air freezes.

Alaskans close the bathroom window.



-80 Hell freezes over.

Polar bears move south.

Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.



-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.



-100 Canadian buildings turn off air conditioning.

How many carpenters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, Whyd you do that?

The trooper says, Youre in Alabama, son. When I pull you over, youll have your license ready.

Driver says, Im sorry, officer, Im not from around here.

The trooper runs a check on the guys license, and hes clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, Whatd you do that for?

The cop says, Just making your wishes come true.

The passenger says, Huh?

The cop says, I know that two miles down the road youre gonna say, I wish that mother fucker wouldve tried that shit with me.

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
What are you going to do with the prize money? the officer asked.
The man responded, I guess Ill go to driving school and get my license.
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, Officer, dont listen to him. Hes a smart aleck when hes drunk.
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, I knew we wouldnt get far in this stolen car.
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked Are we over the border yet?

Santa Claus, Peter Pan, un abogado decente y un borracho caminan amistosamente por las calles de una ciudad, cuando de repente se encuentran con un billete de cien dólares tirado en la vereda. ¿Quién se queda con el billete?

El borracho, porque los otros tres personajes no existen…

It was time for Father Johns Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Fr. Johns nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had done.



Oh, sister, said the young nun dreamily.Ive been saved.



Saved? And how did that fine thing come about? asked the old nun.



Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.



Did he now, said the old nun evenly.



Sister Magdalene continued, And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.



Is that a fact, said the old nun even more evenly.



At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.



That wicked old Devil, said the old nun. He told me it was Gabriels Horn, and Ive been blowing it for 40 years!

A Mormon bishop, a Catholic priest, and a TV evangelist were fishing
from a boat in the middle of a small lake. The priest realized that
hed left his tackle box in his car, and, not wanting to disturb the
other two, got out of the boat and walked over the water to the shore,
got his gear, walked back, and started fishing.

An hour or so passed, and the bishop began to feel a little hungry.
His lunch was back in his car, though. . . . So, he got out of the
boat, walked over the water, got his lunch, came back, and nibbled on
his sandwich.

The evangelist, not to be outdone, decided that hed best go for a
walk, too. He mumbled something about going to the bathroom, stood
up, stepped over the side of the boat . . . and splashed into the lake.

The priest, chuckling, said to the bishop, Think we shouldve told
him about those submerged rocks? Said the bishop, what rocks??

— Michael.