Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
You think a cursor is someone who swears a lot.

A womens lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, Where would man be today if it were not for woman? She paused a moment and looked around the room.

I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?

From the back of the room came a voice… Hed still be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries!

A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.

Care to go upstairs and have a shag? the husband asks.

Sshhh said the bride. All the neighbors will know what were about to do. These walls are paper-thin. In the future, well have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, Have you left the washing machine door open instead?

So the following night, the husband asks, I dont suppose you left the washing machine door open did you?

No, I definitely shut it, replied the wife who rolled over and went to sleep.

When she woke up, however, she was feeling a little randy herself and she nudged her husband and said,
I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?

No thanks, said the husband, it was only a small load and Ive done it by hand.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?
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A: Tell her a joke on Monday.

Do u now how to tell when a laywer is lying



when his mouth moves.

No two identical parts are exactly alike.

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, You look terrible. Whats the problem?

My mother died in August, he said, and left me $25,000.

Gee, thats tough, he replied.

Then in September, the friend continued, My father died, leaving me $90,000.

Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder youre depressed.

And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.

Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.

Then this month, continued, the friend, absolutely nothing!

The things that come to those who wait may be
the things left by those who got there first.

One fine autumn day, Same was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, follwed by a dog, and then about two hundred men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Same went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

My wife, the man replied.

Im sorry, said Same. What happened to her?

My dog bit her and she died.

Same then asked the man who was in the second hearse.

The man replied, my mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.

Same thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, Can I borrow your dog?

The man sighed. Get in line

Winterize your lawn, the big sign outside the garden store commanded. Ive fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it die anyway. Now Im supposed to winterize it? I hope its too late. Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing weve come up with outside of thong swimsuits! We constantly battle dandelions, Queen Annes lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed through an annual four-step chemical dependency.

Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis about this: Frank you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

Its the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass.

Grass? But its so boring. Its not colorful. It doesnt attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. Its temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it – sometimes twice a week.

They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

Yes, sir.

These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

You arent going believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. Its a natural circle of life.

You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them hauled away.

No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and keep the soil moist and loose?

After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

And where do they get this mulch?

They cut down trees and grind them up.

Enough! I dont want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, youre in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

Dumb and Dumber, Lord. Its a real stupid movie about …

Never mind I think I just heard the whole story.

Author Unknown