Old and New Jokes

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

A burglar had been casing a particular house for some time. Finally, he
saw the owners leave for what appeared to be an extended camping trip.
That night he broke in through a basement window and was trying to find
his way in the dark when he heard what seemed to him to be the voice of
a very old woman saying Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!

Startled, the burglar snarls back Shut up, Grandma, or youre gonna
get hurt! He shines his flashlight all around, but no Grandma.

Again the voice: Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!
Finally, the beam of the flashlight finds a large cage and in it
a pretty upset parrot. Relieved, the burglar turns back around and
starts toward the stairs, only to spot an enormous slavering doberman
waiting at the top.

Just then the parrot screams, Sicem, Jesus!

John R. Snyder

When I recently bought a t-shirt from a company called East
Beach, it came with this instruction sheet, which I found amusing:

OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS:

Pull garment on over head, placing arms through appropriate openings.
Finish with label at back of collar with design facing out.
_Fashion note – tail can be worn out for casual or tucked in for formal_
Wear shirt to pre-determined occasion.
_Important note – remove all tags or labels, such as this one, before
wearing in public_
After shirt is sufficiently soiled, place in washing machine (note –
for best results remove shirt)
Leave the shirt just the way you removed it – inside out. Wash warm
water/cool rinse.
_Note – Xtreme shirts are NOT underwear – dont let your mother throw it
in hot water, and keep her away from the bleach_
Dry on low heat, air or line dry.
Return garment to right-side out and repeat step 1.

10. Likes people that oppress him: teachers, parents, principals, police, and authority figures.

9. Is overly enthusiastic about Dungeons and Dragons and other role playing games.

8. Very familiar with megahertz, wears glasses and, can quote scripture.

7. Frequently speaks of martial arts, but still gets beaten up.

6. Says Whom instead of Who.

5. Is pleased when disruptive individuals are sent to the office, so that they can continue with their learning.

4. Prefers NPR to any music.

3. Gets upset when there is a test or quiz that he did not know about.

2. Rooted for Deep-Blue in the famous chess game.

1. Must be pulled off bridge when not accepted at the college of his choice.

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldnt get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform.



It wouldnt get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.



A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.



He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

This lady got home and bursts in yelling, Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery! The husband says Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains? She then replies, I dont care…Just get the hell out!

Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.

A tax preparer was helping some customers.

The first guy comes in and the tax man asks him, How much money did you make last year?

The guy answers, Oh, about $100,000

Gee, thats good! what do you do

Im a lawyer for a big corporation, etc

So the tax man finishes up with him and the next guy comes in.

How much money did you make last year?

I made $150,000 dollars

Oh really? What do you do?

Well, Im the head doctor at this big hospital …

And so the taxman finishes with him.

The third guy comes in and the taxman asks him,How much money did you make last year?

The guy answers, Well, last year was a pretty good year, I made about $9,000

The tax man asks him, Oh, really? What instrument do you play?

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin.

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but being the lazy no- goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.

They simply wrote: Returned unopened.

There are three guys talking in a pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives; the third remains quiet.

After a while, one of the first two turns to the third and says, Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?

The third fellow says, Ill tell you. Just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees.

The first two guys were amazed! What happened then? they asked.

She said, Get outo from under the bed and fight like a man!