Old and New Jokes

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earls old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

On a woman, the doctor said, your heart would be just below your left breast.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Jess!
Jess who?
Jess one of those things!

Just before Rosh Hashana, a team of terrorists invades the shul and takes
the rabbi, the cantor and the shul president hostage. Hours later, the
governor stands tough, he wont give them a million dollars, nor a getaway
car nor a Jumbo Jet.

The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner and inform them that
things look bad and theyre going to have to shoot them. Nevertheless, to
show that theyre not really a bad bunch, theyll grant each hostage one
wish.

Please, says the rabbi, for the last two months Ive been working on my
Rosh Hashana Sermon. What a waste to die now without having carried it
before an audience. Ill go happilly if you let me recite my sermon. Its
an hour – ninety minutes long, tops.

They promise to grant him the wish.

Please, says the cantor, after 50 years Ive finally gotten the
Hinneni prayer just right. What a waste to die and not sing it to an
audience. Its only about 45 minutes long – then Ill go happily.

The terrorists promise to grant the cantor his wish too and they turn to
the shul president.

Please, says the president with tears in his eyes, Shoot me first!

Hire people with hooks.
-National Lampoons Deteriorota

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband, Fred, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husbands car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!

Ralph looked out the window and said I cant jump out the window! Its raining like hell out there!

Mary cried If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!

So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race … so he started running along side the others – only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him, Do you always run in the nude?

Ralph answered, while gasping for air Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running.

The other runner then asked the nude man Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?

Ralph answered breathlessly Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

The runner then asked Do you always wear a condom when you run?

Ralph answered, Only if its raining.

What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Trilingual.What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Bilingual.What do you call someone who speaks one language? American.

I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g.,I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter.

One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message:



I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance.

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: Its your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Un borrachín aborda un autobús de servicio público. Al momento de querer pagar, el conductor arranca y el temulento se va dando traspiés hacia atrás del vehículo. Luego, al enfrenar el camión, se desliza hacia delante, y así durante dos Km. Al momento de bajarse el chofer le exige:

¡Oye, güey, págame!

Con voz tartajosa, el borracho reclama:

¿Por qué, pendejo? Si me vine caminando todo el trayecto.