Old and New Jokes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION – 10 MILES.

He thinks it is just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION – 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real.

When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a beautiful nun in a black habit who says, I know what you are here for, my son. Please follow me.

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, Please knock on this door.

He does as he is told and this door is answered by another beautiful nun holding a tin cup.

This nun instructs, Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway. He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing a huge sign:

GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY!

Yesterday, after extensive testing, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones… yes, its true.

To prove their theory, the scientists had 100 men consume 12 bottles of beer.

They then observed that 100% of them:

1: Gained weight.

2: Talked excessively without making sense.

3: Became emotional.

4: Called home just to see if anyone called.

5: Couldnt drive.

6: Went to the bathroom in groups.

7: Rearranged the furniture for no apparent reason.

No further testing is planned.

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, May I help you, sir?

The duck says, Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass.

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.



EXERCISE 1:



Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasnt effective enough.



EXERCISE 2:



Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.



EXERCISE 3:



Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.



You are now properly prepared.

Q. How do you know if a blonde used your computer?

A. The joystick is wet.

Simmonss Law: The desire for racial integration increases with the square of the distance from the actual event.

He was
only a chocolate chip cookie…

…but I loved him.
I met him at a party. There he was at the end of the buffet….a loner;
the last one on the plate. He had a certain something…a sweetness, a
sensuality. He was one hot cookie. I felt as if Id always known him…hungered
for him.
When he looked at me with those warm brown eyes, I melted. Before I
knew it, I had my hands on him, my mouth on him…in public. After that
night, we were inseparable. With him I could be myself. He didnt seem
to care what mood I was in, how I looked or even if I gained weight. Together
we had the recipe for happiness. No one satisfied me like Chip.
THEN THINGS CHANGED
My friends said he was no good for me. He started to give me heartburn.
I felt crummy, but it had to end. Now weve gone our separate ways. I
hardly think of him anymore. Oh, if I see a certain TV commercial, a particular
magazine ad, a coupon for money off…that old longing returns. And when
we run into each other in the supermarket, we nod. Were friendly.But
its OVER!

1. Be Allah you can be
2. Aim Low
3. An Army of None
4. The Few……………………………….
5. Martyrs have more fun
6. Vigins….we got Virgins!!
7. Free Camoflage Turbans….sign up today!
8. Uncle oSAMa wants you

A co-workers favorite joke:

Two men are hiking in the mountains. One suddenly stops, removes
his hiking boots, and starts putting on sneakers. The other asks
why he is doing that.

The first man answers, I thought I heard a bear.

The second argues, You cant outrun a bear, not even with sneakers.

The first responds, I just need to outrun YOU!