Old and New Jokes

This sentence no verb.

A doctor examined a woman and took her husband aside. I dont want to alarm you, he said, but I dont like the way your wife looks at all.

Me neither, Doc. said the husband. But shes a great cook and real good with the kids.

Q: Why wasnt the Virgin Mary a blonde?

A: She wouldnt have been old enough to bear children!

A button for a coat of paint.

Sheets for an oyster bed.

False teeth for a rivers mouth.

Music for a rubber band.

Shoes for a walking stick.

A saddle for a clothes horse!

What is the toughest animal in the world? The sheep that steel wool comes from…

Did you hear about the new mens magazine that caters exclusively to married men?

Its like Playboy or Penthouse magazine, except the centerfold is the same month after month after month…

The Capitalism, the Socialism, and the Communism meet one day and decide to have a small party among themselves.

Since they had nothing to drink and eat, the Socialism said he was going out to buy something. So he leaves.

An hour passes, then two hours, three, its getting very late, and the two friends are about to go home, but then the Socialism finally returns.

He makes his excuses and says he bought vodka but then he had to wait in a huge line for sausage.

Not quite believing, the Capitalism wonders: Whats the line?

And whats the sausage? asks the Communism.

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese Haiku poetry, each only 17 syllables, five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third …

A file that big?

It might be very useful.

But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek

Can not be located but

Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.

Reflect, repent, and reboot.

Order shall return.

Aborted effort:

Close all that you have worked on.

You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.

I am the Blue Screen of Death.

No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.

Today it is not working.

Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.

This thousand dollar screen dies

So beautifully.

With searching comes loss

And the presence of absence:

My Novel not found.

The Tao that is seen

Is not the true Tao until

You bring fresh toner.

Stay the patient course.

Of little worth is your ire.

The network is down.

A crash reduces

Your expensive computer

To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:

Death, taxes, and lost data.

Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,

But the water has moved on.

This page is not here.

Out of memory.

We wish to hold the whole sky,

But we never will.

Having been erased,

The document youre seeking

Must now be retyped.

Serious error.

All shortcuts have disappeared.

Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Sign seen in London department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs

Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: Closed for official opening.

Sign in a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

Sign in a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

Q: What is the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.