Old and New Jokes

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

So youre a feminist… Isnt that cute.

Why do they make up with trees signs out of wood?

Proof That Jesus Was Jewish:

1. He went into his fathers business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

Proof That Jesus Was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

Proof That Jesus Was Puerto Rican:

1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was bilingual.
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.

Proof That Jesus Was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.

Proof that Jesus Was a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion and finally

Proof that Jesus Was Black:

1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldnt get a fair trial.

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.:
Female – Any part under a cars hood (bonnet).
Male – The strap fastener on a womans bra.2. VULNERABLE (vul -ne-ra-bull) adj.:
Female – Fully opening up ones self emotionally to another.
Male – Playing football without a cup.3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shun) n.:
Female – The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with ones partner.
Male – Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female – A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male – Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.



After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.



Louise, he moaned, tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?



Even worse, she assured him in her most scornful one. You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face.



Hes an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!



You did. All over his suit, Louise informed him. And he fired you.



Well, screw him, said John.



I did. Youre back at work on Monday.

Remake of Roots starring Michael Jackson
Performance of The Nutcracker by the Bolshoi Ballet with special guest Hillary Clinton
The Martha Stewart WWF Smackdown
Any sitcom starring Emeril Lagasse
Jerry Falwell napping with a Teletubby stuffed toy
Any day in the life of the British royalty
Ricky Martin in a tasteful, hot pink, off-the-shoulder number
Bill Gates on a Harley Davidson
Yet another commercial starring Carrot Top
Osama bin Laden in a Christian Science bookstore

This is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class.

41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write Signup Sheet #5 at the top, and start passing it around the room.

42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.

43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for stud.

44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, Can you spell that?

45. Disassemble your pen. Accidently propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.

46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.

47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.

48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.

49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.

50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you cant see Macedonia.

He lived his life to the end.

Ancient History Explained…

A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on it, in order:

A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David.

After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time.

The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women were held in very high esteem – most likely a family oriented culture.

They probably used the donkey to till the fields.

The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.

The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.

The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.

A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker.

When acknowledged he said, Im sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left.

That way it reads, Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!