Old and New Jokes

In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, And darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said, It doesnt get any better than this.

And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female He created them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman And saw that they were lean and fit. And God populated the earth With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And so the Devil created McDonalds. And McDonalds brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man, You want fries with that?

And Man said, Super size them. And Man gained five pounds.

And so God created the healthful yogurt, That Woman might keep her figure. But the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, Try my crispy fresh salad. And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerrys. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, Why doth thou eatest thus? I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables And olive oil with which to cook them.

But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak So big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And so God brought forth running shoes. And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control So Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And the Devil saw and said, It is good.

And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil cancelled Mans health insurance.

So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken. And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light beer So Man could poison his body, While feeling righteous because he had to drink

twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds.

And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva chocolate, And upon returning asked Man, Do I look fat?

And the Devil said, Always tell the truth.

And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of Man And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, East of the marriage counselor.

And the Devil said, It doesnt get any better than this.

What do you call a man with 90% of his intelligence gone?

Divorced

Katzs Law:

Men and women will act rationally towards each other only after all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Churchills Commentary on Man:

Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

Sattingers Law:

It works better if you plug it in.

Cahns Axiom (aka Aliens Axiom):

When all else fails, read the instructions.

Beckhaps Law:

Beauty times brains equals a constant.

Coles Axiom:

The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.

Jones Motto:

Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The Ultimate Law:

All general statements are false.

Knights Law:

Life is what happens to you when youre making other plans.

Kruegers Observation:

A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government.

Benchleys Law of Distinction:

There are two kinds of people in the world; those who believe there are two kinds of people and those who dont.

Harvers Law:

A drunken mans words are a sober mans thoughts.

Rule of Accuracy:

When working towards the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

Finagles First Law:

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagles Third Law:

In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

Rudins Law:

In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.

Ginsbergs Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics:

You cant win.

You cant break even.

You cant quit.

Quantized Revision of Murphys Law:

Everything goes wrong all at once.

OTooles Commentary:

Murphy was an optimist.

Murphys Constant:

Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

Firestones Law of Forecasting:

Chicken Little only has to be right once.

Ralphs Observation:

It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize you are in a hurry.

Murphys 3rd Military Law:

Friendly fire aint.

Murphys 4th Military Law:

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

Murphys 5th Military Law:

The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.

Murphys 6th Military Law:

The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

Murphys 7th Military Law:

The farther you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.

Murphys 8th Military Law:

Incoming fire has the right of way.

Murphys 9th Military Law:

If your advance is going well, youre walking into an ambush.

Murphys 10th Military Law:

The quartermaster only has two sizes, too large and too small.

Murphys 11th Military Law:

If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

Murphys 13th Military Law:

The only thing more accurate than incoming fire is incoming friendly fire.

Clarkes Third Law:

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Weilers Law:

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesnt have to do it himself.

Peters Placebo:

An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

Zymurgys Law of Volunteer Labour:

People are always available for work in the past tense.

Grossmans Misquote:

Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.

Ducharmes Precept:

Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Perkins Postulate:

The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

Conways Law:

In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

Stewarts Law of Retroaction:

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

Horngrens Observation (generalized):

The real world is a special case.

Shirleys Law:

Most people deserve each other.

Golds Law:

If the shoe fits, its ugly.

Colsons Law:

When youve got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Comins Law:

People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Menckens Metalaw:

For every human problem there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong.

Sevareids Law:

The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Thoreaus Law:

If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life.

Gerrolds Pronouncement:

The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.

Hanes Law:

There is no limit to how bad things can get.

Alans Law:

All things being equal, you lose.

Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, its a waste of time because the new bulb probably wont work either.

There was a blonde, a red head, and a brunette and they were all up in space. Each girl tried thinking up ways to be better then the other two…

The red head said, I am going to be the first woman to land on mars.

The brunette said, I can beat that, ill be the first woman to land on saturn.

The blonde said, I ll beat both of you, ill be the first woman to land on the sun.

How are you going to do that, asked the other two.

Simple, said the blonde.

Ill go at night!

So theres this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river
and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank.

Yoo hoo she shouts,how can I
get to the other
side?

The second blonde looks up the river then down the
river then shouts
back, You are on the other side.

Un niña le pregunta a su madre cuántos tipos de hombres hay. La madre, después de pensarlo un rato, le responde:

Mira hija, los hombres durante su vida pasan por tres fases: Antes de los 29 son como el arbusto del jardin, duros y bien dispuestos. Hasta los 49 son como el roble, fuertes y confiables. Y a partir de los 50 son como los arbolitos de navidad, con las bolitas de adorno…

Ay, José, así no se hace

Ay José, así no se

Ay José, así no

Ay José, así

Ay José

Ay

Happiness is a positive cash flow.

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

Cats purr. Dogs drool.
Cats rub your leg when they want affection, not when theyre horny.
Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg.
In 1996, over 10,000 US deaths were attributed to a dog owners
choking on saliva during morning wakeup licks.
Cats always land on their feet. Dogs just wont let you throw them.
Cats will wait until youve read your morning paper before tearing
it to shreds.
Cats look cute sleeping on the TV. Dogs just crash right in front of the
screen.
Fewer cat owners suffer from Flappy Tail lacerations than dog owners.
No one has ever had to Beware of the Cat.
Cats bury their crap. Dogs dig up others.
Cats have better things to do than stick their nose in your crotch.
Why do you think they call it, Dog Breath?