Old and New Jokes

Whyd they create the microwave? So blondes could cook, too!

A blonde was feeling so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into Lake Erie. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, Listen, youve got a lot to live for. Im off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. Ill take good care of you, and bring you food every day. Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added with a wink, And Ill make you happy, and you can make ME happy. The girl nodded yes through her tears. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat, along with blankets and food. From then on, every night he brought her sandwiches, water, wine and fruit and they would make mad, passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. What the hell are you doing here? the Captain demanded angrily. I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, she explained. I get free food and a trip to Europe. Meanwhile (she says coyly), hes taking advantage of me, so to speak, (wink, wink) He sure as hell is, lady, the Captain said. This is the Hudson River ferry!

Meat is Good. Meat tastes good, smells good, and plumps when you cook it. Meat is one of those things that makes you glad youre at the top of the food chain so you can enjoy it. Meat makes friends. Meat is for Lovers.

PWEETA (People Who Enjoy Eating Tasty Animals) wants to end the suppression of mankinds phobias with certain meats and meat by-products.

MEAT ISNT MURDER – MURDER IS MURDER

How many times have we heard a man referred to as beefy or a woman as a hot bucket of chicken? Or disgusting euphemisms for the sexual act like, Id love to pork her, I am bopping the baloney or Whos grilling the liverwurst? This is blatant propaganda by Vegetarians to discredit the joy of Flesh!

HUMANS ARE ANIMALS, AND THEY LIKE TO EAT MEAT…

Vegetarians are denying themselves a basic human comfort- eating the charred flesh of others. Who can help but see a cow in a field and think, flank steak! Or a fish in a pond and not think Filet O Fish or Whaler? It is only natural.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

Vegans say that only eating veggies is more humane. But is it so humane to torture poor Asparagus? Do you feel touchy feely when you bite into a cabbage? Those are organisms too and must die for you to live! Why limit yourself to the death of a crummy celery stalk when you can eat a giraffe?

SO WHO IS REALLY THE KILLER?

At PWEETA we believe you should eat whatever you want- when you want it. Why is it OK for the French to eat Horse, but it is ILLEGAL in California? Or how the Chinese go ga-ga for Cat? Or how about the Koreans and Dogs? You may think of them as pets, but to us, they are Livestock.

THE MOST DANGEROUS MEAT

In school they teach us that Swifts Modest Proposal is an ironic joke- but its not. Why do you think theres no good English food? The English REALLY eat Irish babies- and they taste good. Charlton Heston prophesied in 1973 that Soilent Green is people. But so is vegimite. Pacific Islanders also eat their dead. Cannibalism isnt a dirty word in these cultures. It shouldnt be in ours!

MEATY FACTS

According to Vegetarian Times, 99% of all Americans eat meat and 94% eat red meat. Americans have been increasing their meat consumption by more than 1.5 pounds a year for the past decade.

An average American works only 9 minutes and 15 seconds to pay for a hamburger. He works 3 minutes for a cocktail weiner.

Steaks have been put over the eye for centuries to heal black eyes and gingivitis.

Maggots were thought to tenderize meat until 1845 when it was discovered that they were poisonous.

The meat industry employs more workers than aerospace, oil and gas, consumer electronics, internet start-ups, and retired Catskills comedians combined.

The meat industry is so efficient in its use of spare meaty bits, that it gets 20% more meat per cow than in the 1960s. The industry uses this surplus to maintain a 63 ft. Cow Golem that stands ready in a packing plant to destroy Chicago if need be.

Eating a salad kills dozens of living organisms – eating a hamburger, just a small portion of one.

– Kent Mahle, founder, PWEETA (1935-1983)

(c) PWEETA and ooze.com

http://www.pweeta.org/

Heres a true story related to me by my mother, which she says
happened to one of her neighbors in a Venezuelan oil camp in the 50s:

It seems that a certain woman kept the ashes of her dearly
departed father in a silver box on a table. One day, after not having
looked at her father for a long time, she opened the box and was
horrified to discover it was nearly empty! Furious, she accosted the
maid and demanded to know, have you touched this box? Whereupon
the maid protested I didnt think youd mind! After all, its very
poor quality snuff.

Harry is at a banquet and keeps complaining that his false teeth are hurting him. The guy sitting to his left reaches into his pocket and pulls out a set of dentures. He hands them to Harry and says, Try these.

Harry tries them, and says, Thanks anyway, but theyre too tight. The guy pulls out another set and hands them to Harry. They fit perfectly, so Harry wears them for the entire night. At the end of the banquet, Harry hands them back to the guy and says, They fit me perfectly. Are you a dentist?

The guy says, No, Im an undertaker.

There was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake.A fish in the lake thinks, If that fly dropped 6 inches Id get it!A bear on land thinks, If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump out of the water, and Id get it!A hunter thinks, If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear will go to get the fish, and Ill shoot the bearA mouse thinks, If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, and Ill steal the cheese off his sandwich!A cat thinks, If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, the mouse will go get the cheese, and Ill get that mouse!Suddenly it all happened, the fly dropped 6 inches, the fish got the fly, the bear got the fish, the hunter got the bear, the mouse got the hunters cheese, but the cat missed the mouse and fell in the water. The moral of this story is …Every time time a fly drops 6 inches, a pussy gets wet

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The redheaded nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, I have to take your temperature.After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.No, Im sorry, the nurse stated, but for this reading, I cant use an oral thermometer.This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back! She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.After almost an hour, the mans doctor comes into the room. Whats going on here? asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, Whats the matter, Doc? Havent you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?After a pause, the doctor confesses, Not with a carnation.

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Three naturalized American citizens were standing outside the stadium where the Olympics were being held bemoaning the fact that none of them could afford a ticket.

All three wanted SO much to be able to see the athletes from their native lands compete.

They watched as the competitors entered through a special back gate by giving the guard their country and event.

One of the three friends looked around and found a length of pipe lying on the ground.

He hefted it to his shoulder, walked to the gate and told the guard England. High jump. And the guard let him in!

Thats fantastic! cried the second friend. He looked around, picked up a manhole cover, and headed for the special gate. Russia. Discus, he told the guard, and in he went.

Amazing said the third friend, who by now was frantically searching around. But all he could find was some barbed wire. He grabbed it, rand to the gate, and announced Poland. Fencing.

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. Hes not my husband, she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. Hes not my husband either.

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

Wait a minute, she says. Hes not even a member of this club.