Old and New Jokes

 
AgeFAVORITE DRINK
16Wine Coolers
21White wine
30Red wine
45Dom Perignon
70Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
 
AgeEXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
16Need to wash my hair
21Need to wash and condition my hair
30Need to color my hair
45Need to have Francois color my hair
70Need to have Francois color my wig
 
AgeFAVORITE SPORT
16shopping
21shopping
30shopping
45shopping
70shopping
 
AgeDEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
16Burger King
21Free meal
30A diamond
45A bigger diamond
70Home Alone
 
AgeFAVORITE FANTASY
16tall, dark and handsome
21tall, dark and handsome with money
30tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
45a man with hair
70a man
 
AgeHOUSE PET
16Muffy the cat
21Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
30Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
45Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
70Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
 
AgeWHATS THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
1616
2121
3030
4545
7070
 
AgeIDEAL DATE
16He offers to pay
21He pays
30He cooks breakfast the next morning
45He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
70He can chew breakfast
 

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, Father Murphy, were you gambling?

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do. To the police officer, he then said, No, officer; I was not gambling.

The officer then asked the minister, Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?

Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, No, officer; I was not gambling.

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, With whom?

Q: Why was Santas little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert the new one.

Un alto funcionario del Fondo Monetario Internacional está por llegar a un país latinoamericano a revisar cuentas fiscales. Era un día lluvioso, y el Presidente y su Ministro de Economía estaban en el aeropuerto a su espera. Ambos decidieron subirse las botamangas de sus pantalones para evitar mojárselos. El avión desciende y ambos emprenden su marcha hacia el pie de la escalerilla para saludar al visitante. En ese momento el Ministro de Economía nota que el Presidente no volvió a su lugar las botamangas de su pantanlón:

Señor Presidente, ya viene el funcionario. Bájase los pantalones.

¿Tanto le debemos?

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.



Sorry, we dont need anyone… they replied.

You cant afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!



Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job.



He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.



How in the world did you do that? they asked.

I told you Im the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!



Did you get a urine sample? they asked him.

Whats that? he asked.

Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.



He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, Heres Mr. Jones and this one is Mrs. Johnsons.



Thats good, they said, but whats in those two buckets?



Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention –

so I stopped and sold them a group policy!

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put poor planning as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh only 155 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower.

In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me… I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope.

Jewish existentialist:


Walk on air but not against the traffic lights.

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

Ill never do that again! he told his mother that evening. I didnt catch a thing!

Oh, next time Im sure shell be quiet and not scare the fish away, his mother said.

The boy said, It wasnt that. She ate all the bait!

En la clase, la profesora comienza a dar una clase de vocabulario:

A ver, Pepita, decime una palabra que comience con C.

Y antes de que aquella pudiera responder, Jaimito la interrumpe y grita:

¡Culo! ¡Concha!

La maestra, conteniendo su furia continúa:

A ver, Raulito, una palabra con T.

Pero antes de que aquel pudiera hablar, Jaimito interrumpió:

¡Teta!

La profesora, que ardía en rabia, suspiró un momento y pensó:

Ahora le cago a este infeliz.

A ver, Jaimito, decime una palabra con E.

Y Jaimito pensaba y pensaba:

¡La puta! Una grosería con E… Una grosería con E…

Finalmente responde:

¡Ah, ya sé, profe: enano!

¡Muy bien, Jaimito!

¡Pero con una pija así de grande!