Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papas mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.
PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com –
Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santas workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington thats just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem – pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.
More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
Now, ADOBE! Now, CLARIS! Now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,
It is Microsofts SANTA that the kids cant resist,
Its the ultimate software with a traditional twist –
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
Get em young, keep em long, is Microsofts scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketers dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away – wow!
And Mama in her kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winters nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night.
Q: How did the Polish mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on?
A: Yellow in the front, brown in the back!
You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever used a weedeater indoors.
Two
male buddies were walking through the woods when out
of no where, a poisonous snake came and bit one of the
men in the penis! The man collapsed to the ground while
his friend ran to town to get help. The man arrived
at a doctors office and said help, help, my friend
was bit by a snake in the penis. The doctor remarked
that he couldnt get all his tools to the woods in time
to save the friend, so he told him that he would have
to suck the venom out of his friend! There has got to
be another way said the man and the doctor sighed no
I am sorry! The man ran back to the woods and found
his poor friends lying on the floor in allot of pain!
The man on the floor cried, what did the doctor say?
The friend said, he said youre going to die.
Two blondes were roofing a house. One would pull out a nail and then hammer it into the roof. Then he would pull out another nail, look at it, then throw it over his shoulder. Blonde two eventually saw what blonde one was doing, watched him a while and then said, Why do you keep throwing out every other nail?.
The first blonde replied, Because their point is on the wrong end.
The second blonde then said, You airhead, those nails are for the other side of the roof!
Michael Jackson was in a room bumming George Michael. Suddenly Michael Jackson said I have to go now, but ill be back in five minutes, whatever you do dont wank. At that, Michael left.
Five minutes later Michael returned to find cum all over the ceiling and walls. What the hell happened here, I told you not to wank. But George replied I didnt; I farted
Heart Attacks…Gods Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
Im an imbecile and I vote
Money Isnt Everything… But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
Grow your own dope, plant a man
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
BEER: Its not just for breakfast anymore.
I need someone really bad…Are you really bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
All men are idiots…I married their king.
Reality is a crutch for people who cant cope with drugs
Dont drink and drive…You might hit a bump and spill it
We are born naked, wet, and hungry….Then things get worse.
HabÃa una vez una pequeña viejecita que casi estaba ciega y tenÃa 3 hijos celosos que querÃan probar que cada uno de ellos era el mejor hijo para ella.
El primero le compró una mansión de 15 habitaciones pensando que serÃa lo mejor que se le podrÃa ofrecer. El segundo le compró un Mercedes con un chofer, pensando que seguramente con este regalo ganarÃa su aprobación. El tercero tenÃa que hacerlo aún mejor, asà que le compró una cotorra instruida, que se le habÃa estado entrenando por 15 años para que memorizara la Biblia entera; se le podÃa preguntar cualquier verso de la Biblia y la cacatúa podÃa citarlo palabra por palabra. Éste seguramente iba a ser el mejor regalo.
La dama se dirige al primer hijo:
Hijo, la casa es bella, pero es demasiado grande para mÃ. Yo sólo ocupo una habitación y es demasiado pesado limpiar y encargarse del resto. Gracias de todos modos.
Va con el segundo hijo:
El carro es muy lujoso, pero yo casi no salgo y es un desperdicio. Además, el conductor es un tanto irritante y no me gusta mucho. Aprecio tu esfuerzo, pero ¿podrÃas devolverlo?
Entonces, le habló al tercer hijo:
¡Hijo, me gustarÃa darte las gracias por el mejor regalo de todos! Ese pollo estaba delicioso.
El juez interroga a la viejita indefensa:
¿Cual es su edad, señora?
Tengo 86 años.
¿PodrÃa decirnos, en sus propias palabras que fue lo que sucedió?
Allà yo estaba, sentada en la mecedora en el porche de mi casa en una agradable noche de primavera, cuando un joven se acerco y se sentó junto a mi.
¿Usted lo conocÃa?
No, pero él se mostró bastante amigable.
¿Qué sucedió después de que él se sentó?
El comenzó a acariciar mis piernas.
¿Usted lo detuvo?
No, yo no lo detuve.
¿Por qué?
Se sentÃa muy bien, nadie me habÃa hecho eso desde que mi esposo murió hace 30 años.
¿Qué sucedió después?
El comenzó a acariciarme mis senos.
¿Usted lo detuvo entonces?
No, yo no lo detuve.
¿Por qué?
Bueno, señor Juez, sus caricias me hicieron sentir viva y excitada. No me habÃa sentido asà en muchos años.
¿Qué sucedió después?
Bueno, yo me estaba sintiendo tan caliente y excitada que simplemente abrà mis piernas y le dije: hazme tuya jovencito, tómame, hazme el amor.
¿Entonces, el la tomó?
No. El sólo gritó Feliz DÃa de los Inocentes y fue allà cuando le disparé al hijo de su p… madre.
How many white girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? None because shes to busy screwing her cousin! Isnt that funny!
Last but not least I would like to say to the makers of this sight that you are the dumbest bunch of SOBs that I have ever seen. You must have blacks on your mind everyday day and night to do a whole website of them. Maybe if you would stop thinking of them so much and think about the fact that your Sister is really your aunt then maybe you wouldnt spend as much time thinking about blacks. Also I am sick tired of hearing you all tell us to go back to Africa, well if thats the case why dont you go back to England because you stole this land from the Indians. Oh and the next time you want to call a black a nigger why dont you consider the fact that a nigger is an ignorant person and I guess that includes you to.