Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.
Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.
Frank is outraged by his friends act of generosity.
What on earth did you do that for? shouts Frank.
You know hes only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!
Matt replies, What…and we werent?
11
Jun
11
Jun
Why do the Vikings play in a Dome?
Because even God cant stand to watch!
11
Jun
Q. Why dont witches like to ride their brooms when theyre angry?
A. Theyre afraid of flying off the handle!
Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A. Dayscare centers.
Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A. His ghoul friend.
Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A. I Scream.
Q. What do witches put on their hair?
A. Scare spray.
Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A. Bamboo.
Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
A. Boo boos.
Q. Why couldnt Draculas wife get to sleep?
A. Because of his coffin.
Q. Why do mummies make excellent spies?
A. Theyre good at keeping things under wraps.
Q. Why wasnt there any food left after the monster party?
A. Because everyone was a goblin!
Q. How did the ghost patch his sheet?
A. With a pumpkin patch.
Q. What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
A. His other fang.
11
Jun
1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like theyre actually in control.
2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of need is irrelevant, so dont bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
3. Women never have anything to wear. Dont question the racks of clothes in the closet; you just dont understand.
4. Women need to cry. And they wont do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. Thats why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when
theres a spider or a wasp involved.
10. Women cant keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they dont view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
12. Women cant refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what shes doing. It might be the lottery calling.
13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldnt need toys if women had an on/off switch.
14. Women think all beer is the same.
15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower.
16. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
17. Women dont understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be.
18. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, hell pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip shell pack 21 outfits because she doesnt know what shell feel like wearing each day.
19. Women brush their hair *before* bed.
21. Women are paid less than men, except for Modeling.
22. Women are *never* wrong. Apologizing is the mans responsibility, Its there in the bible. hmmm who was it that gave Adam the apple?
23. Women do *not* know anything about cars. Oil-stick, oil doesnt stick?
24. Women have better rest rooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet.
25. The average number of items in a typical womans bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
26. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women arent looking, men kick cats.
27. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will callthe same friend and they will talk for three hours.
28. A woman will dress up to go shopping, to water the plants, to empty the garbage, to answer the phone, to read a book, or to get the mail.
30. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
31. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, How do I look?
32. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Punish My Spouse.)
33. The first naked man that woman see is Ken.
36. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
37. Oh, nothing, has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
38. Lewis Carrolls Caterpillar had nothing on women.
39. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
40a All women are overweight by definition, dont argue with them about it.
40b All women are overweight by definition, dont agree with them about it.
41. If it is not Valentines day, and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, What did you do?
42. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights.
43. Only women understand the reason for guest towels and the good china.
46. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
47. Women dont really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You dont see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried do you?
11
Jun
OK, so a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks whats in the box.
The man says Ill show ya if you get me a beer.
So of course the bar tender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano. The little man starts playing the piano!
Next the bar tender asks hey! thats prety cool, where did ya get that?
The man says Ill tell ya if you get me another beer. So the bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and he says I got it from a geenie and a lamp
The bar tender says If ya let me barrow that geenie and that lamp Ill give ya another beer.
The man says Oh, Okay!
The bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp.
The bar tender rubs the lamp and the geenie pops out!
The geenie says Master, I grant you one wish, what is it?
The bar tender says I wish for a million bucks!!! And all of a sudden a million ducks start flying into the room. What the heck is this!!! I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!!!
And the man says Well did you think I wished for a 12 inched pianist!
11
Jun
At the Niagara falls…
Guide: I welcome you all to the Niagara Falls. These are the worlds largest WaterFalls and the sound intesity of the WaterFall is so high, the sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing cant be heard! Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the waterfalls!
11
Jun
It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now shes 97 years old and we dont know where the hell she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Havent lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up for it to work.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what Im doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
And last but not least:
I dont exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
11
Jun
When you go to a wedding ceremony, how can you tell at which congregation it is being held?
If it is a Chassid, the mother-in-law is pregnant
If it is Conservative, the bride is pregnant
If it is Liberal, the Rabbi is pregnant.
11
Jun
A man who went to Church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon.
The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off.
As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out … and whocreated all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.. she poked her husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed Good God all mighty.
The minister said Thats right, thats right and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down, muttering under his breath. and later began to doze off again when the minister got to … and who died on the cross to save us from our sins… the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted Jesus Christ.
The Minister said thats right, Thats Right and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down and began to watch his wife carefully and when the minister got to … and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child? the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said If you stick that damn thing in me again Ill break it off.
10
Jun
Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.