Old and New Jokes

Having gone to his secretarys apartment, Mr. Biggs was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning. My God! he shouted, My wife is going to kill me!

Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and called his wife. Honey! he began, Dont pay the ransom. I escaped!

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so strikingly unique that he decides he must have it.

He takes it to the owner: How much for the bronze rat? $12 for the rat, $100 for the story, says the owner. The tourist gives the man $12. Ill just take the rat, you can keep the story.

As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned. The man walks back to the curio shop.

Ah ha, says the owner, you have come back for the story?

No, says the man, I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican.

Q: Whats the definition of strain?

A: Teeth marks in the toilet seat!

A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldnt stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs togetherness, which included one part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.

Youre so ugly it makes your grandmother look hot.

Did you hear that Hillary Clinton changed her name?

She is now known as Sharon Peters!

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isnt
looking good either.

10. Get in there you big furry oaf, I dont care what you smell!

9. Luke, at that speed do you think youll be able to pull out in time?

8. Put that thing away before you get us all killed.

7. Youve got something jammed in here real good.

6. Arent you a little short for a storm trooper?

5. You came in that thing? Youre braver than I thought.

4. Sorry about the mess…

3. Look at the size of that thing!

2. Curse my metal body, I wasnt fast enough!

1. She may not look like much, but shes got it where it counts, kid.

Heres the transcript of my recent communication to Bigelow, inspired by a
sampling of their atrocious I Love Lemon Herb Tea.

Dear Sirs,

I am writing to complain about the performance of one of your products, to
wit: Bigelow I Love Lemon Herb Tea. Having recently sampled said item in a
culinary context, I am convinced that it is the most unappealing, tasteless, and
unprofessional tea I have ever encountered.

Each teabag is enveloped in a package that reads A year-round valentine
for everyone who really loves lemon. Well, I happen to be an ardent
enthusiast for that particular flavor, and I can assure you that this alleged
tea tastes less like lemon than most electric home appliances. The only way
this substance could be considered a year-round valentine is by taking the
meaning of valentine as a heart, which, if left out in the open for a
year, would be encrusted with congealed blood and covered with small,
creeping insects.

This tea breaks all previously-conceived boundaries of the concept bland. It
invokes in the drinker a level of excitement usually associated with shoelace
collections or counting ones own armpit hairs. I notice that the tea is
classified as as Herb Tea rather than an Herbal Tea, and that Herb has
traditionally been a name denoting banal, tedious people. Another tumbler of
the Bigelow corporate lock falls into place.

The outer wrapper of the teabag – whose taste may be compared favorably to
that of the tea itself – is colored yellow. One may conjecture that this
represents some twisted attempt to conjure associations with other objects
that R.C. Bigelow, Inc. regards as the paradigm of tastiness, such as fire
hydrants, old math textbooks, and yield signs. A quick glance at the
packages of some of your other herbal tea products confirms our suspicions.
One tea package depicts a small cat, playfully clawing a ball or mouse or
small child, while your propagandistic legend assures us the paragon of
beverages is contained within. What sort of baldfaced nonsequitor is this?
The only thing a cat and tea have in common is that one dislikes being
immersed in the other. Clearly, your marketing skills are equivalent to your
prowess at teamaking, which is probably on level with the cats.

In short, I find I Love Lemon Herb Tea a thoroughly detestable product, and
recommend changing its name to I Used To Love Lemon Until I Drank This Herb
Tea. In view of its exceeding worthlessness as a viable drink, it is difficult
not to inductively extend this condemnation to include the entire product line
of R.C. Bigelow, Inc. However, if I were sent a free sample of each of your
other tea products, I might be able to constrain my loathing to this
particular specimen, and not gallop through the streets of Pittsburgh howling
obscenities about your company and your activities, which, as you know, it
exceedingly deleterious to healthy public relations.

Sincerely,

Michael Shapiro

They responded promptly, within a week:

Dear Mr. Shapiro:

I must say your letter was one of the more descriptive letters we have
received. It is always unfortunate when ever we have a dissatisfied consumer
and normally we will send them free coupons in order to try and better
satisfy their needs with many of our other products. However, in your case I
feel you have reached a point of no return. My only recommendation to you is
try Celestial Seasonings, they offer a very nice lemon tea. Perhaps they will
have better luck pleasing you.

Thank you for taking the time to share with us your tremendous displeasure.
We continually try to improve our products, and each letter does mean a great
deal to us.

Sincerely,

Ms. Bigelow
Operations Manager

* * * *

The letter was accompanied by a generous portion of No Tea. I was rather
hoping that theyd send me a sample.

The irony is that Im actually very fond of Bigelow tea products. I really
just wanted to see what theyd say.

This guy is walking through Chinatown. He is fascinated with all the Chinese Restaurants, the Chinese shops, the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He is having the best time just walking and looking. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign Hans Olaffsens Laundry.

Hans Olaffsen?, he thinks. How in the world does that fit in here?. So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner.. The visitor asks, How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsens Laundry?.

The old man answers Is name of owner. The visitor asks Well, who in the heck is the owner?. I am he, answers the old man. You? How in the heck did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?

The old man replies, Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go What your name? He say Hans Olaffsen. She look at me…What your name? I say Sam Ting.

(Sam Ting= same thing)