Old and New Jokes

A guy walked into a bar one day and noticed a jar full of money on the counter.

He asked the bartender what it was for and the bartender replied that if he could go into the back and make the donkey laugh, he could have that jar of money.

So the guy walks in the back and a few minutes he comes out with the donkey laughing his head off. He gets his money and walks out.

The next day the same guy went to the same bar and noticed another jar of money sitting on the counter. The bartender, when asked, said that if he could go in the back and make the donkey cry, he could have that jar of money.

So the guy goes in the back and about 5 minutes later comes out with the donkey crying huge tears.

As the guy was about to leave, the bartender stopped him and asked him how he made the donkey laugh and cry.

The guy replied: The first time I told him I had a bigger pecker then he did, and the second time I proved it.

Something to ponder… Do the workers at the Lipton factory get a

coffee break?

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the womans doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, EVER have sex again – the strain would be too much.

The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides hed better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.

This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs – shes coming downstairs, hes heading up.

Honey, I have a confession to make, the woman says, her voice quavering. I was about to commit suicide.

Im glad to hear it, sweetie, the man says, because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!

The following story is said to be true:

More than two centuries ago a famous astronomer Charles Messier lived in France. He was a keen comet hunter, he discovered many of them. (The astronomers know Messiers catalogue of nebulous objects which is still used.) He had a competitor (also French) who also discovered a lot of comets.

One night Messier could not go to his observatory as his wife was dying. Two things happened during the night: Messiers competitor managed to discover a new comet and Messiers wife died.

When Messiers friends got to know of the death of Mrs Messier they came to express their sympathy to the astronomer who replied: It is a great loss for me. And imagine that on the top of it my wife is dead.

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. A million dollars, he answered, because I want to donate it to M.I.T.

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. I want to give a million to my family, he explained, and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, Three million dollars.

Why so much more than the others? asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.

Why is a blonde like an old washing machine? Because they both drip when theyre fucked!

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world up over?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesnt Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when youre driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time – why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? [NOTE: Geo.
Washingtons picture is on a quarter]

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help groups?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If athletes get athletes foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbies so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why dont deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didnt have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you cant drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say Slow Children have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it chili if its hot?

Why do we sing Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

Estaban las gallinas recibiendo el alimento diario por parte de su dueño. Este les repartía el alimento diciéndoles palabras cariñosas para que tuvieran más producción de huevos.

Cuando el granjero se retiró, la gallina líder les dice: ¡MOMENTO! a poco se van a dejar llevar por las palabritas de ese pendejo, ¡ni madre! ahora no pongamos ningún huevo.

Al día siguiente, sorprendido por la falta de producción, el granjero les vuelve a dar su alimento, dejándoles, además, unas monedas para que se compraran sus golosinas.

Al retirarse el granjero, la gallina rebelde grita: ¡MOMENTO! no nos dejemos corromper por este farsante, hoy tampoco habrá producción de huevos.

Al día siguiente el productor, todavía más extrañado por la actitud de sus aves, les reparte su alimento en doble ración y les dice palabras más dulces que la miel; pero al hacer como que se retira del gallinero descubre la forma en que la gallina está alborotando a las demás para que no tengan producción de huevos.

Al ver tal situación, el ranchero muy enojado se lleva a la líder y la arroja con los gallos. Estos, sedientos de placer al ver a la dama, empiezan a alborotarse y cuando se le van acercando grita la gallina:

¡Momento, momento. Me trajeron aquí por alborotadora, no por puta!

ITS A GUY THING

Translated: There is no rational thought pattern connected

with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.









CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?

Translated: Why isnt it already on the table?









UH HUH, SURE, HONEY, OR YES, DEAR

Translated: Absolutely nothing. Its a conditioned response.









IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN

Translated: I have no idea how it works.









I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. ITS JUST

THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.

Translated: That girl standing on the

corner is a real babe.









TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOURE WORKING TOO HARD.

Translated: I cant hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.









THATS INTERESTING, DEAR.

Translated: Are you still talking?









YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.

Translated: I remember the theme song to F Troop, the

address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle

identification numbers of every car Ive ever

owned, but I forgot your birthday.









I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU,

AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.

Translated: The girl selling them on the

corner was a real babe.









OH, DONT FUSS – I JUST CUT MYSELF,

ITS NO BIG DEAL.

Translated: I have actually severed a limb,

but will bleed to death before I admit that Im hurt.









I CANT FIND IT.

Translated: It didnt fall into my outstretched

hands, so Im completely clueless.









WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?

Translated: What did you catch me at?









I HEARD YOU.

Translated: I havent the foggiest clue what

you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it

well enough so that you dont spend the next three days yelling at me.









YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.

Translated: I am used to the way you yell at me,

and realize it could be worse.









YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.

Translated: Oh, God, please dont try on one

more outfit, Im starving.









IM NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.

Translated: No one will ever see us alive again.

Cigarette problems

At my cousins wedding, my dad (who doesnt much care for his nephews bride) thought it would be funny to flick his cigarette at her back as she walked down the aisle. It got caught in her hair and started to smolder. Her father had to get it out while she cried hysterically. Then he punched my Uncle Raymond, whom he thought had tossed it, right square in the forehead and ended up breaking his own hand. Good wedding.