A blonde wanted to go ice fishing; so, after reading many books on the subject and gathering all of the necessary equipment, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy foot stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, as if from the sky, a voice boomed out, HEY, YOU, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino from her Thermos, and began to cut another hole. Again, a voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!
The blonde, now worried, moved to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and once again tried to cut the ice hole. Once more, the voice said, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!
The blonde stopped, looked skyward, and said, Who are you, God? The voice replied, NO, I AM THE OWNER OF THIS ICE RINK!
3 men were in the woods. They took a wrong turn and they came to a cliff. Then suddenly a genie appeared. She said you guys finally found my home! you can now have one wish each. all you have to do is say what u want and jump off the cliff. you will land in what you want. The first guy said i wish for money he jumped and landed in money. The second guy said i wish for gold he jumped and landed in gold. The last guy went to the edge and saw the men. He was about to make a wish when he tripped over a rock he said shit!!. Then he landed in in shit.
A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, No, maam, we havent had any for some weeks now, and it doesnt look as if well be getting any soon.
Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, That isnt true, maam. Of course, well have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.
Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, Never, never, never, never say we dont have something. If we dont have it, say we ordered it and its on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?
Rain.
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, What is this, Father? The father [never having seen an elevator] responded Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I dont know what it is.
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father yells to his son, Hurry boy – go get your mother!
What do JFK Jr. and a penguin have in common?
Theyre both cute as hell and cant fly!
Tech Support: What does the screen say now.
Person: It says, Hit ENTER when ready.
Tech Support: Well?
Person: How do I know when its ready?
Knock! Knock!
Whos there?
Rita.
Rita who?
Rita book, you might learn something.
Knock! Knock!
Whos there?
Police.
Police who?
Police open the door, Im tired of knocking.
Knock! Knock!
Whos there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.
Knock! Knock!
Whos there?
Carrie.
Carrie who?
Carrie on with what youre doing, Im at the wrong door.
Knock! Knock!
Whos there?
Anita.
Anita who?
Anita drink of water.
Knock! Knock!
Whos ther?
Dwain.
Dwain who?
Dwain the bathtub, Im dwrowning.
An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).
After the test, the manager says, You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the MS manager replies, Well, then, that means that you virtually dont exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 LB flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all of the tomatoes individually at 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.
After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, What, you dont have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!
After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!
Moral of this story:
- The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
- If you dont have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
- Seeing that you got this story via e-mail of from the web, youre probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Bush!
Bush who?
Bush your money where your mouth is!
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeers hoof.
As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, You know, I think youre the first reindeer Ive ever seen in here.
The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, Im the last reindeer youll see in here.