Old and New Jokes

I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.

Remember: If you throw dirt, youre losing ground.

Today is Make up your own holiday day. So here goes:

Spring cat cleaning day. For best results use the Delicate cycle.

Grease your automatic garage door opener without getting grease in your hair day.

Salt and pepper integration day, a day to mix your salt and pepper in one shaker to encourage moderation in the use of both.

Antiacid appreciation day, sometimes called Burpless Thursday.

Shave off half your moustache day.

Spring sock hunting day, a day to turn the house upside-down to find all those missing odd socks.

Macaroni and cheese day. Try to give away free bites door-to-door.

Start a new hobby day. Go to every hardware store in town and see how many different free paint samples you can collect.

Kiss somebody the way they used to do it in the movies without slobbering day.

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

A Penguin in a revolving door.

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least its the scenic route.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

A blonde woman is driving a Porsche. She sees
another blonde woman with a Porsche that has
broken down on the side of the road. She stops to
ask whats wrong.

The owner of the broken Porsche
said, I just had a look under the hood, well,
while I was driving somebody had stolen the
engine.

The other said, Oh, dont wory, I have a spare
one in the back of my Porsche.

Dos compadres el día despues de la borrachera, están con su resaca. La esposa de uno de ellos les prepara unos chiles bien picosos… un compadre le dice al otro:

Oiga compadre.

Sí, ¿compadre?

Se me esta saliendo el moco.

¿Por el chile compadre?

No como cree compadre, por la nariz.

There once was a man who when he married his wife he swore never to eat baked beans because things happened when he did. one day when he took a 5 mile walk after 2 miles he got very hungry. ahead of him was baked bean stand. he was so hungry he had to have some. when he was finished eating he got very hyper and started to fart. since he still had 3 miles to go he thought it would wear off.



when he stepped into his house his eyes were covered with a blind fold. i have a surprise for you said his wife. okay he said he sat down at the table when the phone rang. he than realized eh had to fart. he let out a little bit. than a little bit more. finally he let out all of it. when his wife came back she took off the blind fold and sitting in front of him were 12 guests.