Old and New Jokes

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patricks Day?

A: Regular rocks are too heavy.

Q: Why cant you borrow money from a leprechaun?

A: Because theyre always a little short.

Q: Why do leprechauns have pots ogold?

A: They like to go first class!

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?

A: Hes Dublin over with laughter!

Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?

A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

Q: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?

A: A bachelor.

Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patricks Day?

A:St. OClaus!

Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?

A:Sure, theyre green with envy!

Q: Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?

A:To keep from falling in the stew!

Q: Do leprechauns make good secretaries?

A:Sure, theyre great at shorthand!

Q: How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?

A:He took a shortcut!

Q: What do leprechauns love to barbecue?

A:Short ribs!

Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?

A:Because theyre very short – tempered!

On their first date, Bob and Susie sat in the dark theater waiting for the movie to begin. The screen finally lit up with a flashy ad for the theaters concession stand. Bob and Susie noticed the sound was missing. The film began but silence continued. Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd shouted, Okay, whos got the remote?

(via Aiken Drum, Rodney & Cathy, HorridScopes)

I ran into my ex the other day, A woman tells her friend. Then I put the car into reverse and did it again.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument

about who was better on his computer. They had been going at

it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the

bickering.

Finally God said, Cool it. I am going to set up a

test that will run two hours and I will judge who does

the better job.

So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and

typed away. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports.

They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They downloaded. They

did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every

known job. About ten minutes before their time was up,

lightning flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain

poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan

stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word

known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them

rebooted their computers. Satan started searching

frantically, screaming Its gone! Its all gone! I lost

everything when the power went out!

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all

of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this

and became very irate: Wait! He must have cheated.

How did he do that?

God shrugged and said, Jesus saves.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Henrietta!
Henrietta who?
Henrietta toadstool but thought it was a mushroom!

Cierto día, Pepito se estaba bañando con su padre y le preguntó que qué era eso que le colgaba en la entrepierna; el papá le dijo que era un dragón.

Otro día, se estaba bañando con su mamá y le pregunta que qué era lo que tenía en la entrepierna; la mamá le contestó que un dragón.

Esa noche, Pepito estaba espiando por la cerradura del cuarto de sus papás y llegó su hermana:

¿Qué haces, le pregunta.

Estoy viendo una pelea de dragones.

¿Y quién va ganando?

¡Mamá, porque se comió al de papá!

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message Hes lying was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasnt telling the truth. Believing the lie detector was working, the suspect confessed.

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.



He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wifes cup and said, Sugar, sugar? Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.

Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, Honey, honey?

Again Joe thought this was good stuff.



Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wifes eyes and said, Ham, pig?

A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, Wow, this seems worse than usual.

He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, Officer, whats the hold-up?

The officer replied, The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends; the press called him on the lie about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Niger, and now Campbell Brown is threatening to sue him for a sexual innuendo he made at a recent press conference. So were taking up a collection for him.

The lobbyist asks, How much have you got so far?

The officer replies, About 14 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, youll have lost at least five pounds.

When the blonde returns, shes lost nearly 20 pounds.

Why, thats amazing! the doctor says. Did you follow my instructions?

The blonde nods. Ill tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day. From hunger, you mean? said the doctor.

No, from skipping, replied the blonde.