If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Its just stale bread to begin with.
Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to drive their home to the hardware store and one to buy the bulb and screw it in.
two men were shipwrecked on a desert island inhabited by canibals, the cheif said that he was a fair man, and that he wouldnt eat the men if they went into the rainforest and brought out a wheelbarrow of his favourite fruit, the first man came out with grapes, and the cheif said sorry, but i will give you one more chance, if you can push all of those up your bum without laughing, i will let you go. the man gets to the last one and bursts out laughing, the cheif asks him why he started laughing, the man replied, i just saw my mate and he has a barrow full of coconuts!
Tres hermanos que vivÃan lejos de su pueblo natal y se habÃan vuelto ricos discutÃan para ver quien habÃa hecho el mejor regalo de navidad a su anciana madre.
El primero dijo, Yo le construà una mansión. El segundo dijo, Yo le envié un Mercedes con todo y chofer. El terceró sonrió y dijo, Yo les gané a los dos. ¿Recuerdan cómo le gustaba a mamá leer la Biblia? Y cómo ustedes saben ella ya casi no puede ver. Asà que yo le conseguà un loro que recita la Biblia entera. Les tomó 12 años a los monjes de un convento para enseñarle. Es un loro único. Mamá sólo tiene que decirle el capÃtulo y el verso y el loro se lo recita.
Poco después, la anciana señora envió cartas de agradecimiento a los tres:
José, la casa que me construiste es tan grande que yo sólo ocupo un cuarto y tengo que limpiar todo el dÃa.
Pedro, estoy muy vieja para viajar, asà que rara vez uso el Mercedes. Y el chofer es un haragán…
Querido Manolo, tú si que sabes lo que le gusta a tu madre… La gallina estaba deliciosa.
From the Say What? file — true story: Im taking two classes
this semester, one of which is Public Policy. Our professor is an
adjunct; nice lady, tries too hard. Anyway, a few weeks ago, were
covering a chapter on environmental politics, and she casts an
overhead with facts and figures on some of the more powerful
environmental lobbying groups. Among them is the Audubon Society.
If you do not know what the Audubon Society is, then stop reading.
So one of the students asks, What is the Audubon Society? (Bird
watchers, if you ignored my previous instructions.) To which the
professor replies:
I dont know, I think its a group to protect that road in
Germany.
It hits me like a spear. She did not just say that, did she? I
think to myself. I look up — and shes serious.
Thats Auto-BAHN, not Audubon! I reply, only to be drowned out by
the chorus of students in the back who are either laughing or
yelling, Birds! Birds!
What? she says.
I reply, Its a group organized for the protection of birds.
She stays silent for a moment, then responds, Well, what kind of
bird is an audubon, is it a spotted owl or something?
I swear to God — true story.
How do you keep a blonde at home? Build a circular driveway.
In the mid 80s a cruiser of the U.S. navy put in to port in Catahegna, Spain, for a weeks shore leave. (Well, leave for the crew, not the cruiser.) The first evening, the captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from an upper-class Spanish lady:
Dear Captain,
On Thursday, it will be my daughters coming of age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered, rich, unmarried officers.
They should arrive at 8 p.m. – One last point: no Jews – we dont like Jews.
Sure enough, at 8 on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door, which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely-mannered, wealthy, single, BLACK officers.
Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she got out There must be some mistake.
Madam, said the first officer, Captain Cohen doesnt make mistakes.
A first grade teacher in the Midwest is explaining to her class that
she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president
has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they,
too, are Republicans and support George Bush. Everyone in class raises
their hands except one little girl.
Mary, says the teacher with surprise, why didnt you raise your
hand?
Because Im not a Republican, says Mary.
Well, what are you then? asks the teacher.
Im a Democrat and proud of it, replies the little girl.
The teacher cannot believe her ears. My goodness, Mary, why are you a
Democrat? she asks.
Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so Im a Democrat, too.
Well, says the teacher in an annoyed tone, thats no reason for you
to be a Democrat. You dont always have to be like your parents. What
if your momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, what
would you be then?
Mary smiled, Then wed be Republicans.
The Liebermans invited The Gores for dinner. The first course was set in front of them and the Joe announced, This is Matzoh ball soup.
On seeing the 2 large Matzoh balls in the soup, Gore was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the Liebermans pressed Gore, Just have a taste. If you dont like it, you dont have to finish it.
Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of Matzoh ball with some soup in the spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual mmmm sound can be heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup.
That was delicious, Al said. Can you eat any other parts of the Matzoh?
AN IDIOTS IDIOT
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message Hes lying was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasnt telling the truth. Believing the lie detector was working, the suspect confessed.