The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who was looking for juicy stories of excitement and derring-do. He told Red, Im sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind your pegleg.Well, I was thrown from the ship during galeforce winds, and before me mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off.The interviewer was sort of disappointed. What about the hook at the end of your right arm?I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard.Again the reporter was disappointed. Certainly theres an exciting story about the patch on your eye?One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and crapped in me eye.The reporter was amazed. Thats why you wear a patch?Well, Id only had me hook a couple of days.
Q: Whats the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer?
A: The taste.
A brunette walks over to her Blonde friends home and finds her crying.
What happened…why are you crying?
The Blonde tells her that her mother has passed away.
The neighbor makes her some coffee, comforts her and then leaves.
The next day the neighbor goes back over to the house and finds the blonde crying again.
Once again, she asks her why she was crying?
This time the blonde replies hysterically…
I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!
Q: What do you call a 1000 lawyers under the sea?
A: A good start!
There were three brothers who bought a three story house. The eldest brother had the top floor, the middle had the middle floor, and the youngest got the bottom floor.
A little while after they moved in, the eldest brother brought over his girlfriend. During that night, the two younger brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.
The next morning, the younger brothers asked their brother what the noise theyd heard last night was.
He replied, Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl.
The middle brother was excited by that, so he brought over his girlfriend the next night.
During that night, the two other brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.
The eldest and youngest asked him what the noise in his room last night was. He replied, Click- turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl.
Now, the youngest brother was really excited. So he brought over his girlfriend, and that night, the older brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
In the morning, the older brothers asked him what the noise in his room was.
So, he said, Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-landed on the bedpost!
1. Mountain bikes dont screw around.
2. Mountain bikes dont care if its that time of the month.
3. Mountain bikes dont have parents.
4. Mountain bikes dont whine unless something is really wrong.
5. Mountain bikes dont care about professional sports.
6. You can share your mountain bike with your friends.
7. Mountain bikes dont care how many other mountain bikes youve ridden.
8. When riding, you and your mountain bike can arrive at the same
time.
9. Mountain bikes dont care if other mountain bikes look at
you.
10. Mountain bikes dont care if you look at other mountain
bikes.
11. If your mountain bike goes flat you can fix it.
12. If your mountain bike is too short you can heighten it.
13. If your mountain bike is misaligned, you dont have
to discuss politics with it.
14. You can have a black & white mountain bike and bring it home
to your parents.
15. You dont have to be jealous of other women who covet your
mountain bike.
16. If you say bad things to your mountain bike, you dont
have to apologize before you ride it again.
17. Your mountain bike wont start going until youre ready.
18. You can ride your mountain bike as long as you want
and it wont get exhausted.
19. Your mountain bike wont fall asleep after you ride it.
20. Your parents wont remain in touch with your old
mountain bike after you dump it.
21. There is no limit to how long a mountain bike can keep going.
22. Mountain bikes dont mistrust you if youre an
experienced rider.
23. Your mountain bike never wants a night out with the
other mountain bikes.
24. Mountain bikes dont care what you wear.
25. Mountain bikes dont feel their bikehood is threatened if you
insist on driving.
26. If your mountain bike doesnt look good you can paint it
or get better parts.
27. You can ride your mountain bike the first time you meet it, without
worrying about whether it will call you back the next day.
28. You dont have to cover your mountain bike with rubber
when you ride it.
29. You dont have to worry about where your mountain bike has
been before you met it.
30. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the
last time you were on your mountain bike.
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks into the forward cabin at the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blonde replies, Im young, blonde and beautiful, and Im going to sit here all the way to New York.
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.
Again, the blonde replies, Im young, blonde and beautiful, and Im going to sit here all the way to New York.
The captain doesnt want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blondes ear.
She immediately gets up, says, Thank you so much. hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, I just told her that the first class section isnt going to New York.
You might be a redneck if…
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Men are like mascara, any sign of emotion and theyre running
My friend, Harvey, is what youd call a hard-luck inventor. Here is a partial listing of his inventions:
6-Up (a soft drink).
Preparation G (rectal ointment).
5 shooter (five shot revolver).
Model S Ford (similar to the Model T Ford).
Nice Krispies (a breakfast cereal that went snip, crickle, pip when milk was poured over it).
The Wolksvagen (a small car known as the WV).
Dogsup (a condiment for hamburgers and hot-dogs).
Goputer (sophisticated electronic device).
Whitejack (card game for gamblers).
Anklewatch (timepiece).
Star Bangled Spanner (a song intended to be our National Anthem).