Old and New Jokes

Need a GOOD excuse for not going out with that geek? Try these:

Id love to, but…

I want to spend more time with my blender.
The man on television told me to say tuned.
Theres a disturbance in the Force.
Im planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
Im trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
Its too close to the turn of the century.
Im making a home movie called The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator.
Im uncomfortable when Im alone or with others.
I am observing a national apathy day

(Taken from the famous IFC collection.)

I dont know if you know this, but they are now selling Kosher computers (Made in Israel ) called a DELLSHALOM. It is selling at such a good price I bought one. Mine arrived yesterday. If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know there are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:

a. The cursor moves from right to left. It comes with two hard drives:one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).

b. Instead of getting a General Protection Fault error, it now gets Ferklempt.

c. The Chanukah screen saver includes Flying Dreidels.

d. It shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

e. After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

f . The Start button has been replaced with the Lets go!! Im not getting any younger! button.

g. When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to Remove the cable from the PCs tuchus.

h. The multimedia player has been renamed to Nu, so play my music already!

i. Internet Explorer has a spinning Star of David in the upper right corner.

j. I hear Hava Nagila during startup.

k. Microsoft Office now includes, A little byte of this, and a little byte of that.

l. When running Scan Disk it prompts with a You vant I should fix this?message.

m. When my PC is running low on memory, I occasionally hear a loud Oy Gevalt!

n. There is a monitor cleaning solution from Manischewitz that advertises it gets rid of the schmutz und drek on your monitor.

o. After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes Schloffen.

p. Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup.

q. Year 5761-5762 issues have replaced the Y2K problem.

r. If you fail to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears: You should be ashamed of yourself.

s. When Spellchecker finds an error it prompts, Is this the best you can do?

t. When I look at erotic images, my computer says, If your mother knew you did this, she would die.

u. And best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you cant get Spam in your e-mail.

Seventy Six Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)

Seventy six lithe neutrons swayed on Cesiums bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons…

Hold it! Hold it!. Thats Cesium 131. Half life only about 9.69 days.
Lets go for immortality here. Worth a shot anyway…

Seventy Eight Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)

Seventy eight lithe neutrons swayed on Cesiums bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons joined the press.
And the eletronettes were a-whirling in duets,
All but one, the singular miss Six S.

Seventy eight nubile neutrons writhed in close array,
Half a hundred and ten lusty protons swelled the crowd.
And the electron pairs played blue photonic airs,
From within a shining quantum cloud.

There were pions, muons, quarks and other fermions,
Tunneling, tunneling, in a state of partial dress.
Till an oily bit of water came a wandering,
And miss Six S got in a great big mess.

Seventy eight screaming neutrons ran and jammed the door,
Half a hundered and ten brave protons hit the ground.
There was a sky-blue flash, then nothing left but ash,
And the echo of a glorious thundering sound.

— Songs of Cesium #76

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.

The men left the doctors office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctors words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, If you bend over to pick that up, were both dead.

En cierta ocasión se hizo un concurso entre los mejores arqueros del mundo. Ya llegada la final sólo quedaban tres competidores: uno de Suiza, otro de Inglaterra y por último, sepa cómo le hizo, pero estaba un mexicano. Como en la última prueba los tres finalistas estaban empatados, los jueces decidieron aumentar el grado de dificultad y ahora se trataba de poner alguna fruta en la cabeza de un niño que estaría a 50 m de distancia y luego disparar con el arco y acertar en ella.

Primero va el inglés y éste coge una sandía y se la pone al niño en la cabeza; prepara su arco. Se siembra un silencio total en todo el estadio. Dispara y acierta partiendo en dos la fruta. Se lleva una gran ovación del público. Terminado su turno, coge el micrófono y presumiendo a todo mundo se presenta:

Im Robin Hood.

Toca turno al suizo, pero éste en vez de una sandía coge una manzana y la coloca en la cabeza del niño. Entonces, un silencio enorme se apodera del estadio. La gente está sorprendida, ya que la manzana es muy pequeña. El arquero cogió su arco, apuntó y con un disparo certero le da justo en el centro partiéndola en cuatro partes. El estadio explota con una gran ovación. Y también, una vez terminado su turno, agarró el micrófono y presumió a todo mundo:

Im Guillermo Tell.

Por último, el más fregón de todos: el grandioso y majestuoso mexicano. Quien arrasó con todos sus contrincantes en las otras fases y es recibido con una estruendosa ovación cuanto toca su turno. De su bolsa, el competidor saca un objeto y lo pone en la cabeza del niño. Intrigados, los espectadores se preguntaban qué era esa bolita roja que se veía a lo lejos. Gracias a las pantallas gigantes que había en el estadio, pudieron ver que se trataba de una minúscula cereza que apenas se podía ver en la cabeza del niño. Para hacer más difícil la prueba, coloca al niño a 100 m de distancia. Esta vez se siente un silencio sepulcral en el estadio. Ni un respiro se oía. Nada. Como si estuviera solo, el mexicano coge su arco, apunta, dispara la flecha que se va viajando a más de 100 Km/h… ¡Zas! La flecha se clava justamente en medio de la frente, atravesándole la cabeza al niño. El mexicano coge el micrófono y dice:

Im Sorry.

In 1934 a man named harry went to take a crap in a out house. Well there was a string thing about this out house it had to 2 crap holes. Well he went in and set his jacket down. About 30 minutes later harry was in the other hole with a 15ft fishin pole.johnny came by and asked what the hell are you doing he said i droped my jacket in the hole. john asked r u still gonna wear it?? harry said no im tring to get the sandwich out of the side pocket!

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

A mother balloon is floating arond with her baby balloon. The caring mother tells her child to watch out for the cactus. The baby balloon replies, What cactusssssssssssssssssssss…?

You might be a redneck if…
You clean your nails with a stick.

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him.

At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.

After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling.

Ive been a little sick to my stomach, she replied.

Well, said the older physician, youve probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why dont you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps.

As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.

You didnt even examine that woman, the younger doctor stated.

I didnt have to, the elder physician explain. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill.

Thats pretty sneaky, commented the younger doctor. Do you mind if I try it at the next house?

I dont suppose it could hurt anything, the elder physician replied.

At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.

Ive felt terribly run down lately, the widow replied. I just dont have as much energy as I used to.

Youve probably been doing too much work for the church, the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps.

As they left, the elder physician said, Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?

Sure, replied the younger doctor. Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!