Old and New Jokes

How to tell a Democrat from a Republican during the Holiday Season

by John Carlson

And you thought you could tell Republicans from Democrats by how they vote. Not so! Just observe how they act during the holidays:

Republican say Merry Christmas!
Democrats say Happy Holidays!

Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.
Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.

Democrats get back at Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.

Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning

When toasting the Holidays, Republicans ask for sherry or mulled wine.
Democrats ask for egg nog.

When not in stores, Republicans use a catalog.
Democrats watch for incredible tv offers on late night television.

Democrats do a lot of their shopping at Costco and WalMart.
So do Republicans, but they dont admit it.

Democrats give their children gifts that make a political statement.
Republicans give their children gifts that will keep them out of their hair.

Republican parents have no problem buying their kids toy guns.
Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot each other with dolls.

Republicans spend hundreds of dollars and hour of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.
Democrats save their time and money and drive around at night to enjoy the scenery.

Democrats favorite Christmas movie is Miracle on 34th Street.
Republicans favorite Christmas movie is Its a Wonderful Life.
Right-Wing Republicans favorite Christmas movie is Diehard.

Republican always take the price tag off any expensive gifts they buy before wrapping.
Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts… and reposition them them to make sure they are seen.

Republicans wear wide red ties and green sport jackets during the festive season.
Democrats do too, all year round.

Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas Cards.
Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.

Democrats favorite Christmas song is Deck the Halls.
Young Democrats favorite Christmas song is Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.
Republicans favorite Christmas song is White Christmas.
Young Republicans favorite Christmas song is White Christmas.

Cheapskate Republican buy an artificial Christmas tree.
Tightfisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.

Democratic men like to watch football while their wives, girlfriends or mothers fix holiday meals.
On this, Republicans are in full agreement.

Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play Cowboys and Indians.
Democrats dont either, as long as the Indians get to win.

Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus…
Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus…

These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Canuck.Q: I have never seen it warm on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street?(USA)
A: Depends how much youve been drinking.Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, its only 4000, take lots of water.Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Lets not touch this one.Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and well send the rest of the directions.Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is….oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row – the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first days mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Pbone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones ad yesterday. It should have read One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M.

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoyiny telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: For sale — R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Dont call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?

A: To see what was on the other side.

The man told his doctor that he wasnt able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me?

Well, in plain English, the doctor replied, youre just lazy.

Okay, said the man. Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.

A old snake goes to see his Doctor.



Doc, I need something for my eyes…cant see well these days.

The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.



The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor hes very depressed.



Doc says, Whats the problem…didnt the glasses help you?



The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered Ive been living with a water hose the past 2 years!

New from the Franklin Mint: American Coins of the 1970s.

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Operators are standing by at 1-800-555-1212. Call now!

Joe wakes up one fine spring morning and starts to go about his daily routine when he notices that his backyard is full of penguins. In a rush to get to work, Joe phones his friend Paul and tells him to take the penguins to the zoo while he rushes to work. Paul agrees, and Joe goes to work.Later that evening, as Joe is driving home from work, he spots Paul and all the penguins walking behind him in single file. Perplexed, Joe pulls over and yells to Paul, I thought you were taking those penguins to the zoo. Paul then casually replied, Yeah, but I had money left over so now Im taking them to the movies.

A man went to a doctor. I have three balls, he said, and I dont like that very much.

As he sounded very depressed, the doctor decided to cheer him up. Three balls is wonderful, he said, women go wild on men with three balls.

Are you sure? the man asked.

Absolutely sure, the doctor said.

The man left and went home by bus. Considering his doctors words he feels better and better. He even cant keep his joy to himself. So he says to this great black man next to him: You know, together we have five balls!

The big man looks at him and says: Really? Youve got only one?

Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been known as restrooms, bathrooms, outhouses, commodes, mens rooms, and several other names.

As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human race arent allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.

General rules:

1. Dont talk to somebody you dont know. You may chat quietly with an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.

2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely dont spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.

3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.

4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep looking around. Read graffiti.

Grafitti rules:

5. All graffiti is anonymous. If theres any chance somebody can trace your graffiti back to you, dont do it.

6. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.

7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few, restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.

8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed. Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.

9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.

10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management of the bathroom.

Urinal rules:

11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.

For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations: X……(X = occupied, . = empty) X…..X X..X..X X.X.X.X XXX.X.X