Old and New Jokes

Im not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know Im not dumb… and I also know that Im not blonde.

– Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

– Erica Jong
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I dont even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours.

– Rita Rudner
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, Ive done my job.

– Roseanne
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog, or have a child. We cant decide to ruin our carpet, or ruin our lives.

– Rita Rudner
I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.

– Susie Loucks
This guy says, Im perfect for you, cause Im a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man. I said, Oh, a gay trucker?

– Judy Tenuta
Ive been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

– Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

– Erma Bombeck
Im not going to vacuum, til Sears makes one you can ride on.

– Roseanne
I would love to speak a foreign language, but I cant. So I grew hair under my arms instead.

– Sue Kolinsky
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me its because the water is cold in there. And Im like: How did my mother know THAT?

– Wendy Liebman
I think – therefore Im single.

– Lizz Winstead
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

– Elayne Boosler
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesnt itch.

– Gilda Radner
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

– Maryon Pearson
Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel.

– Bella Abzug
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage anda career.

– Gloria Steinem
Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.

– Gloria Steinem
Sometimes, I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door, and just visit now and then.

– Katharine Hepburn
Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.

– Baroness Edith Summerskill

Bill Clinton was arriving back to the White House from a trip to Arkansas with a pig under each arm. A secret serviceman greeted him.
"Nice pigs, sir!"
"Thank you. Though these are no ordinary pigs — theyre Arkansas Razorbacks! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."
"Nice trade, sir!"

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does
not exist.

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and
finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words What chair?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Raleigh!
Raleigh who?
Raleigh round the flag boys!

En la parada del autobús, un nutrido grupo espera, en apretada línea, su turno subir al vehículo. Entonces, le llega el turno a una bella joven que viste botas altas y una chaqueta a juego con una pequeña minifalda de cuero. La chica se percata que el escalón de acceso al autobús es tan alto, que la mini le va a impedir subir. Sonrojada por la pena, se lleva las manos atrás, buscando la cremallera, la localiza, la baja un tanto y se dispone a subir. ¡Nada! Todavía la falda le impide levantar la pierna para alcanzar el escalón.

Avergonzada, mira al chofer, sonríe tímidamente y, de nuevo, se lleva las manos atrás y baja un poco más la cierre. Pese a todo, todavía la minifalda le impide levantar la pierna para subir.

La gente que espera en línea comienza a incomodarse y a protestar. En aquel momento, el fornido tipo que esperaba su turno detrás de ella, la toma por la cintura, y con facilidad la sube al ómnibus como si fuera una pluma. La muchacha, furiosa, se vuelve al desconocido y le increpa:

¡Cómo se atreve a tocarme, descarado! ¡Yo no sé quién es usted, fresco!

Y el hombretón, encogiéndose de hombros, le responde:

Lo siento, señorita, pensé que después de haber tratado de abrirme la bragueta dos veces seguidas ya éramos amigos, ¿o no?

Llega un parroquiano a una cantina y pide un tequila doble; se lo toma y se aclara la garganta. En eso, llega otro y pide un Power Punch. El cantinero, sacando sus guantes de hule, sirve vodka, ginebra y tequila en un vaso largo; después, acerca un cerillo a la mezcla y sale una llamarada. El tipo se lo toma y se empieza a retorcer.

Mientras tanto, el del tequila pide otro y se lo bebe con calma. Un rato después, el del Power Punch pide otro; el cantinero sigue el mismo procedimiento para prepararlo y aquel se lo toma y comienza a retorcerse.

Extrañado, el del tequila entabla conversación con el del Power Punch:

Pues, ¿qué se siente, amigo?

Se siente como si estuviera en pleno acto sexual.

Ah, chinga, chinga, y dirigiéndose al cantinero ordena uno.

El camarero repite el mismo procedimiento: los guantes, la ginebra, el vodka; lo flamea y se lo sirve. El sujeto se lo toma y se empieza a retorcer mientras exclama:

¡Ay, pinche joto!

Hacía meses que el barco se encontraba en alta mar, y todos los días la tripulación le preguntaba al vigía:

¿Y cuándo?

Hasta que una mañana el vigía grita:

Ti-ti-ti-ti…

Y en el acto, toda la tripulación se lanzó al agua de contentos. Entonces el vigía continua:

¡Ti-ti-ti tiburones!

1. I want you almost as much as I want world peace.



2. You can forget about going to heaven because its sin to look that good.



3. We both know that I am going to follow you home anyway, so why dont you just come along peacefully?



4. I envy your lipstick.



5. I just want to be loved – is that so wrong?



6. You remind me of an ice cold Pepsi – Ive just gotta have it.



7. Do you believe in the hereafter? Good, then you know what Im here after.



8. If I had eleven roses and you, Id have a dozen.



9. Baby, you look so sweet youre giving me a cavity.



10. Is it me or am I gorgeous?



11. Id even marry your dog just to be related to you.

How do you get a black man out of a tree?

Cut the rope!!

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bills wife was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bills wife followed him and asked, Did you see anything that you liked under there?

John admitted that, well, yes he did. She said You can have it, but it will cost you $100.

After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesnt, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.

Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had wild sex, and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, Did John come by this afternoon?

Reluctantly, she replied, Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.

Next Bill asked, Did John give you $100?

She thinks Oh hell, he knows! Finally she says, Yes, he did give me $100.

Good, Bill says. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.