There
was a guy whose lucky number was five. He was born on
May 5, 1955. He graduated 5th in his class, got a job
with the 5th company he applied to and soon became the
5th highest executive, married the 5th girl he dated,
had 5 children, and always shot a five under at golf.
One day he was at the horse track, and saw that at 5PM
in the fifth race in lane number 5 was a five year old
stallion named "Numero Cinco". Seeing this
as a sign, he goes to the fifth betting window and bets
$55,555 on the horse. He goes to the fifth row in the
stands to watch the race.
The horse came in fifth
{ Some of this is as told to me by a friend who got it from somewhere
off TV; the rest is original. You get to figure out which is which. }
They recently discovered a smaller scroll hidden in the cylinder of the
first scroll of the ancient Biblical scriptures, believed to be the
actual first page of the Bible. When deciphered, it read:
Copyright (c) 300 B.C. God. All Rights Reserved
First scrawling First-Sunrise-After-Stonehenge-Keystone-
Is-Shadowed, 300 B.C.
All beings, places and events depicted in this work are
fictional, and any resemblance to actual beings, places
and events past, present or future is purely coincidental.
WARNING: Some of the actions performed in this work are
dangerous and should only be attempted by professionals
familiar with the action in question.
NOTE: Those tiny points of light in the sky when it gets dark
are called stars. Some of them do blow up on occasion. In
no way should this be construed as a sign that there is,
beneath such an explosion, any form of saviour. Should such a
misconstrual happen, the author will not be held responsible
for the avalanche of arrogance, zeal, bigotry, humanocentricity
and other vile acts which will surely follow the residents of
the planet into time eternal until someone sees fit to erase
the denizens of the world and let the author start over.
DSBN 0-000000-0000-1
Suggested retail: 1 sheep.
A
company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires
a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the
company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities,
the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room
is full of workers and he wants to let them know
he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and
asks, And how much money do you make a week?
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, I make $300.00
a week. Why? The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, Heres
four weeks pay, now GET OUT and dont come back!
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and
asks, Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here? With a sheepish
grin, one of the other workers mutters, Pizza delivery guy from Dominos.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Its just stale bread to begin with.
Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to drive their home to the hardware store and one to buy the bulb and screw it in.
two men were shipwrecked on a desert island inhabited by canibals, the cheif said that he was a fair man, and that he wouldnt eat the men if they went into the rainforest and brought out a wheelbarrow of his favourite fruit, the first man came out with grapes, and the cheif said sorry, but i will give you one more chance, if you can push all of those up your bum without laughing, i will let you go. the man gets to the last one and bursts out laughing, the cheif asks him why he started laughing, the man replied, i just saw my mate and he has a barrow full of coconuts!
Tres hermanos que vivÃan lejos de su pueblo natal y se habÃan vuelto ricos discutÃan para ver quien habÃa hecho el mejor regalo de navidad a su anciana madre.
El primero dijo, Yo le construà una mansión. El segundo dijo, Yo le envié un Mercedes con todo y chofer. El terceró sonrió y dijo, Yo les gané a los dos. ¿Recuerdan cómo le gustaba a mamá leer la Biblia? Y cómo ustedes saben ella ya casi no puede ver. Asà que yo le conseguà un loro que recita la Biblia entera. Les tomó 12 años a los monjes de un convento para enseñarle. Es un loro único. Mamá sólo tiene que decirle el capÃtulo y el verso y el loro se lo recita.
Poco después, la anciana señora envió cartas de agradecimiento a los tres:
José, la casa que me construiste es tan grande que yo sólo ocupo un cuarto y tengo que limpiar todo el dÃa.
Pedro, estoy muy vieja para viajar, asà que rara vez uso el Mercedes. Y el chofer es un haragán…
Querido Manolo, tú si que sabes lo que le gusta a tu madre… La gallina estaba deliciosa.
From the Say What? file — true story: Im taking two classes
this semester, one of which is Public Policy. Our professor is an
adjunct; nice lady, tries too hard. Anyway, a few weeks ago, were
covering a chapter on environmental politics, and she casts an
overhead with facts and figures on some of the more powerful
environmental lobbying groups. Among them is the Audubon Society.
If you do not know what the Audubon Society is, then stop reading.
So one of the students asks, What is the Audubon Society? (Bird
watchers, if you ignored my previous instructions.) To which the
professor replies:
I dont know, I think its a group to protect that road in
Germany.
It hits me like a spear. She did not just say that, did she? I
think to myself. I look up — and shes serious.
Thats Auto-BAHN, not Audubon! I reply, only to be drowned out by
the chorus of students in the back who are either laughing or
yelling, Birds! Birds!
What? she says.
I reply, Its a group organized for the protection of birds.
She stays silent for a moment, then responds, Well, what kind of
bird is an audubon, is it a spotted owl or something?
I swear to God — true story.
How do you keep a blonde at home? Build a circular driveway.