Old and New Jokes

Did you hear what happened?

Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work.

Hear what I asked, my curiosity peaked.

The regional vice president died this morning!

What?! I asked, totally stunned.

What happened?

He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack Jim began explaining.

Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one.

Boy do I. Shes that young blonde babe.

Yeah thats the one. Turns out she isnt too smart, though.

What do you mean?

I asked.

He kept yelling at her to call 9 1 1. She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number.

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, I want you to help me get a divorce.

The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.

My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.

What do you mean? asked the attorney. Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?

No, replied the woman, and neither does the little queer.

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didnt throw out the pest.

Oh, I really dont care or mind, said the waiter with a smile. We dont even have an air conditioner.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

95. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, Its spreading, its spreading.

Heres a few I read in some verysmalledition book of Soviet Anecdotes.

An old woman is riding a crowded bus and has to stand with her heavy packages.
Finally, someone in front of her gives up a seat and so she grabs it.
Thank God, she says.

A man in the seat behind her says, Excuse me comrade, but this is an athiest
society. You should say Thank Stalin, not Thank God.

Of course you are right, the old woman says. Thank Stalin. She is
silent for a moment, then says: Comerade, I have just had a terrible thought:
What shall we say when Stalin dies?

The man behind her replies, In that case I think we can say Thank God.

A tourist was admiring a tribal necklace at a roadside gift shop. What is it made of? she asked.Alligators teeth, the Indian replied.I suppose, she said patronizingly, that alligators teeth mean as much to you as pearls do to us.Oh, no, he objected. Anybody can open an oyster.

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we will may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, Esther, did ve pay our charity pledge cheque to ze Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?

No, sveetheart, she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, Esther, did ve pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?

Oiy, no! Im sorry. I forgot to send ze cheque, she says.

Vun last ting, Esther. Did you remember to send ze check for the Synagogue Building Fund zis month, he asks? Oiy, forgive me, Abe, begged Esther. I didnt sent zat vun either.

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, So, vy did you kiss me?

Abe answers, Theyll find us!

Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewarts wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, Here, you hold this high so I can see what Im doing.

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there Scotty! said the doctor. Dont be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think theres yet another wee one to come.

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

No, no, dont be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man… It seems theres yet another one besides! cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: Do ya think its the light thats attractin them?

Cierto día llega un joven a confesarse y le dice al sacerdote:

Padre, confieso que le hice el amor a mi novia.

El padre le dice: Hijo, eres un pecador.

El joven se defiende diciendo:

Padre, compréndame, es que ella sola, yo solo y la casa sola.

El padre dice: Bueno, hijo, te comprendo.

Pero padre eso no es todo, también le hice el amor a mi suegra.

¡A tu suegra! eres un degenerado.

Pero padre, comprenda, mi suegra sola, yo solo, la casa sola.

Está bien hijo, te comprendo.

Pero padre, hay mucho más, es que también le hice el amor a la abuelita de mi novia.

Esto es el colmo, responde asustado el padre.

Pero padre, compréndame, la abuela sola, yo solo y esa casa sola.

Hijo, esto es muy duro de comprender.

Pero padre, falta más todavía. Le hice el amor a…

En ese momento sale el padre corriendo asustado y el joven le dice:

¡Padre, por qué corre termine de escucharme!

¡No hijo, ni sueñe, es que usted solo, yo solo y la iglesia sola!