Seen on a local advertisement for a Christmas party awhile ago:

Scene:

A small boy stands agape on the stairway overlooking the living room.
A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and white
toque hunches over the fireplace, filling stockings with gifts, sees the
boy over his shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly.

Caption: Im sorry youve seen me, Billy. Now Ill have to kill you.

A man came home from work after a horrible day at the office. His wife
has complained to him over and over that he never notices her anymore, and
he denied it. When he comes through the door his wife greets him and says,

Hi, Honey. Notice anything different about me today?

Oh, I dont know. You got your hair done.

Nope, try again.

Oh, uh, you bought a new dress.

Nope, keep trying.

You got your nails done.

Nope, try again.

I give up, Im too tired to play 20 questions.

Im wearing a gas mask!

A man asked the waiter for a look at the dessert menu, which the waiter
produced from a special pouch in his uniform. The man ordered a
desert, and the waiter relayed the information to the kitchen via a
special communications device built into his wrist watch. When desert
arrived, the man was without a spoon. The waiter produced one from
his breast pocket.

The man was amazed. He asked the waiter how it is that the waiter is
so well prepared to handle every problem without ever having to return
to the kitchen. The waiter answered that the owner is an efficiency
expert who wanted everything to run without a wasted moment.

The man asked the purpose of the string tied to every waiters
trousers. The waiter replied that, when he uses the urinal, he avoids
dirtying his hands (and therefore doesnt need to waste time washing
them). He simply pulls the string, and his penis pops out.

The man asked the waiter how he gets his penis back in. The waiter
replied,

Thats easy…. I use the spoon.

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?

A: Toes Go In First.

John got very bad migraines. Incredibly bad. He would get sick and nauseous. After numerous tests, Johns doctor came up with the solutionYou have a unique physiology John. Your testicles are pushing back against your spinal column, causing your headaches. There are two remedies. Surgery to remove your testicles in which case the pain will be gone, or medication that will reduce the pain, but you will always have it.After much consideration, John elected to have the surgery. Everything went great and the pain was gone. A few weeks later, John was feeling down and a friend suggested that he go downtown and buy himself a suit. John was told about a suitmaker who could take measurements by looking at someone. John took his friends advice and walked into the tailor shop. A little old man wandered out and looked at John and said:44 long. Your coat size is 44 long.
Astonished, John agreed.
Neck size 16 1/2. John was amazed and said so.
I been doing this for 40 years, I know people and their measurements…you want shoes with this suit?
John said yes, the man looked at his feet and said size 9. Correct
Inseam 34 inches. Correct
Waist size 36
Well, Im afraid youre wrong there, I wear a 33, John said.
Please, sir, I been doing this for 40 years, youre a 36 waist.
Hehe, no I am pretty sure I wear a size 33.Mister, you telling me my job? If a man your height and build were to wear a size 33 waist, itd push his testicles back up against his spinal column and give you a headache so bad itd kill you.

When I was a church custodian, thene Pastor that was my boss, would have me help before, during and after weddings. He was an older Priest, but he was ahead of his time. He walked up & down the isles while preaching (years before it was an order) and he even had a shirt collar microphone 3years before any other Pastor!

Immediately after a wedding, the Bride & Groom would walk out of the church and stand outside, at the main doors of the church, and accept the well-wishes of the people who attended the wedding (ie a recieving line).

Meanwhile I would be in the church, quickly gathering up the white runner (from the center isle) and straightening up the Alter area & would put all the large and small Alter chairs back against the Alter walls, so they wedding party could return to the Alter for the Wedding photo shoot (after the attendees went to the Reception Hall).

Meanwhile my boss, The Pastor, would collect up the wedding items, Holy Water and etc., and take them to the Sacristy and put them away. Then he would remove his remote microphone from his Vestment collar, take off his Wedding ceremony Vestment and usually by the time the newlyweds were back having their pictures raken on the Alter, the Father and I would be putting the rest of the things away in the Sacristy while discussing the wedding & how it went and problems that arose and suggestions to improve weddings in the future. And too, sometimes he would comment to me how the Wedding Rehersal had gone the night before the weddings.

On this one wedding day, I went into the Sacristy to help Father finish up, but I noticed something while I was finishing up onthe Alter, so I needed to tell my Boss about it.

The Newlyweds, the Wedding Party and All the parents were on the Alter already and the photographer was just starting to position the Brides gown. But when I entered the room, my Boss – The Pastor was carrying on & talking to himself about how the Mother of ther Bride was so pushy, glad thats over and being thankful that the woman had no more daughters

When he saw me enter the Sacristy, he said Can you believe that last night at the wedding rehersal, the Brides Mother kept telling ME how to officiate the Wedding Ceremony?

I quickly told him that I needed to tell him something … but he kept on complaining about the woman … saying to me perhaps SHE should would have preferred marrying them herself (he was real peeved!)

Again I told him that I HAD to tell him something … but he continued complaining about the woman saying I hope she doesnt run those kids marriage like she tried to run my Wedding Mass!

I quickly closed the Sacristy doors and hollered FATHER I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

He turned and faced me. He looked me dead-in-the-eye. His face became beet red, and then he said slowly (and maybe too calmly) … What?

I now realized that he was now MORE angry with me, than he was with the Mother of the Bride!! But I decided to continue on and take my chances!

Again he said What is it Greg?

So I said Father – your microphone is still turned on!

Q: What would happen if Clinton took Viagra?

A: Hed get taller

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

For a long time, Mary had a fantasy of making love with an [ethnic] man.
One night, when she was in a bar, she met a handsome [ethnic] who appeared
to be well-hung, so she figured, what the hell, shed go for it. So Mary
asked
the fellow to come home with her.

When the two got to Marys apartment, Mary told the [ethnic] about her
fantasy,
and asked if he would be a part of it. Well, the [ethnic], of course,
agreed,
so the two headed for Marys bedroom. When they got there, Mary said, Ok,
first, I want you to undress me and tie me to the bed! So the [ethnic]
did
so. By this time, Mary was worked into a passionate frenzy. She looked up
at the [ethnic] and said, Now, big boy, do what you do best!

So the [ethnic] picked up her VCR and left.

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