Old and New Jokes

What does a fish use to get high? Seaweed!

Youd never believe it, but I bumped into a famous stuntman in a motorcycle shop the other day.

He was complaining because he couldnt decide whether to buy a bike with a high top speed but poor acceleration, or one with lots of torque and a fast acceleration but a poor top speed.

Eventually he decided on the second one because it cost a lot less.

After all… torque is cheap.

How can a woman tell if she is having a super orgasm?

Her husband wakes up.

A ninety year old man is sitting on a park bench crying. The police drive by and see him. They stop to see what is wrong.

Police: Whats wrong?

Elderly Man: Im married to a twenty year old woman. (Continues to cry)

Police: Sir, thats nothing to cry about, you should be happy.

Elderly man: You dont understand … (tears continue to flow) … she wants to have sex every morning and sex every evening. (Crying becomes more intense).

Police: Thats every mans dream … so why are you crying?

Elderly man: (Crying becomes uncontrollable) I cant find my way home!!!

IBM: International Brotherhood of Magicians

A lawyer charged a client $500.00 for legal services. The client paid him with crisp new $100.00 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two of the bills had stuck together — hed been overpaid by $100.00.



The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ima!
Ima who?
Ima girl who cant say no…!

Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?

A: You dont know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you dont follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

Dont burden him with chores. Dont discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, What did the doctor say?

He said youre going to die, she replied.

Neither look down.