Old and New Jokes

Dos amigas eran tan íntimas que se contaban todo lo que hacían o dejaban de hacer. Una de ellas se casa y se va de luna de miel. Cuando regresa, la otra le pregunta: Cómo es eso, cuéntame.

La primera vez es horrible, duele como no te imaginas; pero después es riquísimo.

Su amiga, intrigada, le pregunta: ¿Como cuanto duele?

Y empieza a mencionarle distintos tipos de dolores: dolor de cabeza, dolor de estómago, dolor de espalda, y a todos la recien casada respondía que no.

Finalmente la soltera menciona el dolor de muela, y la amiga dice sí, es como el dolor de muela.

¿Por qué como el dolor de muela? pregunta la soltera.

Y la casada le responde: Porque te duele pero no quieres que te la saquen.

Un día, se encuentran Manolo y Venancio en un parque:

Hola, Manolo.

Hola, Venancio.

¿Qué te pasa, hombre, que estás así?

Oh, qué no sabes lo que me ha pasado: mi mujer se ha enfermado de apendicitis y hay que operarla; mi hija se ha roto una pierna al caerse de un árbol, y he visitado al médico y me ha dicho que tengo muy mal los riñones.

¡Hombre, Manolo, que estás mal!

¡Jolines, y lo peor del caso es que me he quedado sin un céntimo!

¿Cómo va a ser, Manolo, un hombre que ahorra tanto como tú?

Sí, pero has de saber que esos dos millones ahorrados son para una emergencia, ¡hombre!

Entra un tipo a una cantina; se para en medio y grita:

¡Ah cuánto cabrón vino!

En eso se paran dos sujetos enormes y malcarados preguntándole:

¿Qué fue lo que dijo, amigo?

No, nada, este… que ¡ah cuánto cabrón vino, cuánta cabrona cerveza y cuánta cabrona botana! ¡Uy, aquí ya no se puede decir nada, porque de volada lo quieren madrear a uno!

At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator)

Best Place in Town to take a Leak



Sign over a gynecologists office

Dr. Jones, at your cervix.



On a Plumbers truck:

We repair what your husband tried to fix.



On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:

Dont sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.



Pizza shop slogan:

7 days without pizza makes one weak.



At a tire shop in Milwaukee:

Invite us to your next blowout



Door of a plastic surgeons office:

Hello. Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it



At a laundry shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot.

Would that be satisfactory?



At a towing company:

We dont charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.



On an electricians truck

Let us remove your shorts.



In a non-smoking area:

If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.



On a maternity room door:

Push. Push. Push.



At an optometrists office:

If you dont see what youre looking for, youve come to the right place.



On a taxidermists window:

We really know our stuff.



In a podiatrists office:

Time wounds all heels.



On a fence:

Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.



At a car dealership:

The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.



Outside a muffler shop:

No appointment necessary. Well hear you coming.



In a veterinarians waiting room:

Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!



At the electric company:

We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you dont, you will be.

Q. why did michle jackson get food poisoning

A. he ate a 10 yr. old weiner

Whats the chilliest ground in the premiership?
Cold Trafford!

How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle?
Somebody took a corner!

Why didnt the dog want to play football?
It was a boxer!

How do you tell the Polish one at a cockfight?

Hes the one with the duck.

How do you tell the Italian?

Hes the one betting on the duck.

How do you tell if the mafia is there?

The duck wins.

-Ronald Reagan

Upon completeing his examination of his patient, a doctor told him to get dressed. Im afraid your condition is farily poor. The doctor sighed. The best thing for you to do would be to give up liquor, stop smoking, give up all that rich food youve been eating at fancy restaurants, and stop seeing all those young women who keep you out untill all hours.

The patient thought for a momment. Whats the next best thing?

Full page ad brought back from a recent trip, taken from the British
paper The Times (Feb 4 1989).

A full page picture of Ollie North is featured, with his right arm
raised, as if swearing before a court. The subtitle is:

With a few notable exceptions, no one can transfer money
round the world more efficiently than us.

The ad continues:

We think its time to come clean. Girobank has been
transferring large sums of money half-way round the world
for years.

Its hardly a risky business. Our centralised
international division, with its unique links to the
entire overseas Giro network, allows business to be
conducted at maximum speed and with the minimum of
bureaucracy.

And even if your transaction should prove difficult
(as it might in Nicaragua for example) we can provide
documentary collections, letters of credit, bonds and
guarantees.

…

All in all, Girobank adds up to less hassle and more
choice for the businessman or woman. A call to the number
below will reveal the full story. Frankly, we think the
whole world should know.

The U.S. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. Thats an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because thats the way they built them in England, and the U.S. railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and thats the gauge they used.

Why did they use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because thats the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification (Military Spec) for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Military specs and bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horses ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.