Two men are sitting on a riverbank fishing. Suddenly, they look up and see a funeral procession going over the nearby bridge. One of the men takes off his cap and solemnly holds it over his heart.
That was a nice gesture, says the other man
Oh, replies the first man, It was the least I could do, after all we were married for 25 years â€.
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
1: St. Peter gards the key to heaven. And Jesus died before St. Peter did. So when Jesus came up to heaven, he couldnt even get in!
2: So thats why he came back, to pick up the key!
You might be a redneck if…
You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
This is a job application that we all wish we submitted to any fast-food establishment…NAME: Greg BulmashDESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatevers available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldnt be applying here in the first place.DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If thats not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.EDUCATION: Yes.LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.SALARY: Less than Im worth.MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but theyre better suited to a more intimate environment.MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be Do you have a car that runs?HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks Im the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, Id like to be doing that now.DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
Worried because they hadnt heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son,
Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Goldberg is?
A few minutes later, Timmy returned.
Well, asked Mrs. Silver, is she all right?
Shes fine, except that now shes angry with you.
At me? the woman exlaimed. Whatever for?
She said Its none of your business how old she is.
A bloke walks into a butchers and says to the butcher are you a betting man?
Yes replied the butcher.
Well I bet you a tenner you cant reach those pieces of meat up on that wall
Im not taking that on says the butcher
I thought you were a betting man says the bloke
I am, … but the steaks are too high!
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is
smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg is frowning and looking a bit upset. The egg
mutters to no-one in particular, Well, I guess we
finally answered THAT question!
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. Shetold them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammedthe door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact,bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the dooragain with the same result-the door bounced back open.Convinced these rude youngpeople were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that wouldteach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Maam, before you do that again, you needto move your cat."
Llega el director de la CIA muy apurado a ver al Presidente y le dice:
¡Señor presidente, hay que hacer algo…! Esos malditos rusos han enviado unas naves enormes a la Luna, y la están pintando de rojo…
¿Ah sÃ…? ¿Cuánto llevan pintado ya…?
¡Como una quinta parte, señor presidente…!
Está bien. Manténgame informado.
Un rato después llega el director de la CIA otra vez a todo correr:
¡Señor presidente…! ¡Ya llevan la mitad de la Luna pintada de rojo…!
Mantengamos la calma, señor director. Manténgame informado de sus avances.
Al rato, llega el director de la CIA todo desconsolado:
¡Señor presidente: los rusos acaban de pintar TODA la Luna de rojo…!
¿Toda?
¡Toda!
Muy bien. Llame a Cabo Cañaveral y dÃgales que envÃen una nave cargada de pintura blanca, para que le pinten encima: Tome Coca Cola.