Old and New Jokes

The Captain called the Sergeant in. Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. Listen up, men, says the Sergeant. Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldnt you be a bit more tactful, next time?

Yes, sir, answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGraths mother died. Youd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. Not so fast, McGrath!

What was the working title for Mel Gibsons movie The Patriot?

Braveheart II: Men in Pants

Picassos mistress was losing her eyesight so he took her to an opthomologist in Paris. Upon examination, the doctor reported that nothing could be done and she would soon become blind. Picasso then sought out the best eye doctor in all of France, but got the same prognosis. He even took her to the best doctor in all of Europe, to no avail.

He then decided to take her for a trip around the world so that she could see the sights before totally losing eyesight. They were in San Francisco when they saw a sign reading Sam Smith-Eye Doctor, Free Consultation. Picasso figured that it couldnt do any harm to try this doctor as she was going to be blind anyway.

After a thorough examination, Dr. Smith reported that when he did an operation in cases like hers that it would cure her. Picasso agreed to have the operation performed.

After the operation and a few weeks of recovery, the doctor removed the bandages, and what do you know, she could see 20/20. Picasso was overjoyed and said ,Doctor, tell me your fee. I am a very rich man and will pay whatever you ask.

Mr. Picasso, the doctor replied I only ask my usual fee of $100.

Well then, continued Picasso, To reward you handsomely, I will paint a mural on your waiting room wall. When I am finished, we will invite the art critics to see it.

The doctor agreed to this offer because the room needed a paint job anyway. So Picasso labors behind a curtain for three weeks and when he is finished, invitations are sent to the press for a showing.

On the chosen date the critics crowd into the waiting room and when all are ready, Picasso pulls down the curtain and there on the wall is a great big eye. Thats all, just a giant size eye.

Great, the critics all exclaim. This is one of Picassos greatest masterpieces.

Picasso nudges the doctor and says Well, Sam, what did I tell you?

The doctor replies Its a good thing Im not a gynecologist!

A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughters plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.

As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.

The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed,

I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a Rich Doctor!

Worlds Worst Pick-up Lines…

I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

Just call me milk, Ill do your body good.

Your bodys name must be visa, because its everywhere I want to be.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but Im the only one talking to you.

My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.

Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, Ill be your Burger King, you treat me right, and Ill do it your way right away.

Id like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonalds, you would be McGorgeous.

Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and Ill slam you all night long.

Excuse me, do you have your phone number? Ive seem to have lost mine.

Im new in town, could I have directions to your house.

If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?

I love every bone in your body – especially mine.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Hi, Im a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

I cant find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into that cheap motel room.

The fact that Im missing my teeth just means that theres more room for your tongue.

Guy: Havent I seen you someplace before? Girl: Yes, thats why I dont go there anymore.

Llega el presidente Zedillo al banco a cambiar un cheque. La cajera le pide una identificación, a lo cual el presidente responde se me olvidó mi credencial para votar, pero soy el presidente de México, Dr. Ernesto Zedillo, ¿no me reconoce?

La cajera le responde, Pues lo siento, pero sin identificación no puede cambiar el cheque, pero si me puede demostrar que usted es el Presidente se lo cambio.

¿Cómo puedo hacerle para demostrar que soy el Presidente?

Haga algo. Por ejemplo, el otro día vino JC Chávez con el mismo problema, pero le pusimos un ring y noqueó a un cajero de un golpe y demostró ser JC Chávez. Tambien vino Jorge Campos, le pusimos una portería, paró todos los penalties y demostró ser Jorge Campos.

Después de mucho pensar el Presidente dice, Lo siento señorita, sólo se me ocurren puras pendejadas.

Y la cajera responde: ¿Lo quiere en billetes grandes o chicos?.

Three celebrities – Shaggy, Justin Timberlake, and Britney Spears – were all in an elvator and they some one farted.

Sshaggy said it wasnt me. Justin says bye bye bye. Britney says opps I did it again

The next day they were all in a hot tub and there were bubbles everywhere. Shaggy says it wasnt me. Justin says bye bye bye. Britney says stronger than yesterday.

11) Im spiking the punch at the reception. Thatll liven things up!

10) Hey! Did I just see the dead guy move?

9) Hey, this is the first time Grandpas been stiff in twenty years!

8) The sonofabitch is lucky hes dead. He still owes me twenty bucks!

7) (to children) Be quiet or well bury you with him.

6) Ill trade you the clock I inherited for the golf clubs you inherited.

5) I dont really know him/her. Im just here for the free food afterwards.

4) Its about time. I was getting sick of her whining.

3) Is this service over yet? Im gonna miss the hockey game.

2) (to Pastor performing service) So, this is what your God does, eh? Kill people and break up families? Tell me… Why do you continue to worship him? He sounds like an asshole.

1) (to widow) Well, youre officially single now. Whatcha doin Friday night?

In a small southern town there was a Nativity Scene that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemens helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a Quik Stop on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!

I assured her that I did, but simply couldnt recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said See, it says right here, The three wise man came from afar.

Thanx to Michael Charness.

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barbers
chair and said, Ill have a shave and a shoe shine.
The barber began to lather his face while the most beautiful woman he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.The cowboy said, Young lady, you and I should go and
spend some time in a hotel room.She replied, Im married and my husband wouldnt like
that.The cowboy said, Tell him youre working overtime and
Ill pay you the difference.She said, You tell him. He is the one shaving you.