Old and New Jokes

A man and his alligator walk into a bar and the man asks, Does this bar serve lawyers?

Of course we do, replied the bartender.

Great, said the man, Id like a beer… and give me a lawyer for my gator.

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.

How am I doing? He asks.

Three knots, she replies.

Three knots? Whats that mean?

Youre not hard, youre not in, and youre not getting your money back.

Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

An elderly couple has dinner at another couples house and, after eating, the wives leave the table and go into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen are talking, and one says, Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I recommend it very highly.

The other man asks, Whats the name of the restaurant?

The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his friend, Ah, whats the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?

His friend replies, A carnation?

No, no. The other one, the man says.

His friend offers another suggestion, The poppy?

Nah, growls the man. You know, the one that is red and has thorns.

His friend asks, Do you mean a rose?

Yes, yes thats it. Thank you! the first man says.

He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, Rose, whats the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

They are both meat substitutes.

Confucious say…

…woman sitting in jelly have her ass in jam.

…man with penis in peanut butter, fucking nuts.

…man who puts penis in vaccuum cleaner, get sucked off.

…boy who lay girl on hill, not on level.

…man who lose key to girlfriend apartment, get no new-key!

…he who finger girl during period, get caught red-handed.

…he who smoke pot, choke on handle.

…woman who wear g-string, high on crack!

…he who stand on toilet, high on pot!

…boy who go to bed with sex problem on mind, wake up with solution on-hand!

…girl who bathe in vinegar, walk around with sour-puss!

…man with hand in bush, not nessarily trimming shrubs!

…man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money!

…he who masturbate, screw only himself!

…he who walks thru airplane door sideways is going to Bangkok!

…dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs!

Windows: What to shut when its below 15 below.

Screen: What cha need for the black fly season.

Byte: Thats what the flies do.

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor and its inoperable – in fact, its so large, they have to do a brain transplant.

His doctor gives him a choice of available brains – theres a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.

The outraged lawyer says, This is a rip-off how come the lawyer brains are so expensive?

The doctor replies, Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?

Roger sits down at the counter of his local bar. Bartender, he says, give me the bottle of your strongest whiskey.

The bartender laughs, Sure thing, pal, $150.



He hands Roger the bottle, who instantly begins guzzling it down.



My God! said the bartender, Ive never seen anyone drink whisky that fast!



Well, said Roger, Im actually part of a new medical experiment, you see I have a series of cybernetic implants designed to allow me to handle any amount of alcohol very quickly.



Is that so? said the bartender.



Yes, said Roger, suddenly there is a loud buzzing from his chest.



Thats my metal stomach, codenamed old clanker, adding it to my bloodstream. Another low humming now. Thats my cyborg liver, codenamed old trusty, processing the whiskey. A high pitched whistle came from Rogers lower torso. That is my titanium kidney, codenamed old bean.



Suddenly, a man in a mask with a gun bursts through the door.



Alright, this is a robbery, he shouts, pointing his gun at the bartender, all the money, NOW! Everyone in the bar is terrified, with the exception of Roger, who turns to face the robber on his stool. All of a sudden, a deep rumbling shakes the bar. Rogers fly bursts open and a yellow geyser rushes forth, throws the robber out the door, across the street, and into a brick wall.



The bartender shouts, awestuck, What the hell was that?



Roger smiles, That was the last implant I got, codenamed old faithful.

A blonde goes to the drug store to buy her husband some toiletries. A clerk comes up to help her and asks if she needs assistance.



Im looking for some deodorant for my new husband Jon, but I dont know what type he uses.



The clerk says, Is it the ball type?



No, says Judi, its for his underarms.