Old and New Jokes

Michelle Singletary, personal finance columnist for the Washington Post, wanted to find out who is the biggest cheapskate America.

The Top 3 winners:

The husband who gave his wife subscriptions to many of her favorite magazines on Christmas 2000. He scoured yard sales to find Conde Nast Traveler, Vegetarian Gourmet, Bon Appetit and other magazines and news magazine publications dating back from 1992.

The second place winner goes to another romantic couple. Seems the husband takes his wife to Wal-Mart for her birthday. They visit the greeting card aisle where he chooses the most expensive card on the rack. He presents it to his wife, she reads it and places it back on the display.

Third place went to BJ, an 11-year old who washes and reuses his drinking straws.

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.

Oh, this is terrible, exclaims St. Peter, I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we werent expecting you, your quarters just arent ready… We cant take you in and we cant send you back.

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. Theyre ours, but we werent expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. Itll only be a couple of days. What dya say?

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, Two days later St. Peter got a call. Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!

An Indian girl walked into a general store and asked the clerk for some toilet paper. So the clerk says, Well, we have two brands of toilet paper: Toilet Paper Royal and the generic kind which doesnt have a name.

So the Indian girl asks, Whats the difference?, to which the clerk replies, The generic brand is cheaper. So the Indian girl buys the generic brand and walks home.

The next day she walks into the store with the roll of toilet paper and says, I have found a name for this toilet paper.

Curious the clerk says, Well what is it?

The girl replies, John Wayne, because its rough and its tough and it dont take no crap from Indians.

During a neighborhood party, Joe got into an argument with his neighbor, about presidential politics. Finally, the neighbor asked me why Joe was such a dedicated Republican.

Joe told him that his father and grandfather were both Republicans and he was carrying on the family tradition.



Thats it? said the exasperated neighbor. What if your father and grandfather had been horse thieves?



Well… Joe replied, I suppose then Id be a Democrat like you.

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him – Doctor, I dont know what the problem is, but Ive been farting all the time. Its not really a problem socially because they dont make any noise and dont smell. I just cant stop farting all the time. In fact while Ive been in here I must have farted at least 20 times.



The doctor nods and gives her some pills. Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done.



So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. What kind of medicine is this? Im still farting just as much? They still dont make any noise, but now they stink terribly!



The doctor nodded, Its alright, now that we have your sinus cleared up, well work on your hearing next!

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmatic. Why asks his father? The teacher asked How much is 2×3? and I said 6 But thats right! Then she asked me how much is 2×3? Whats the fucking difference? Thats what I said!

"Now there
are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight
people are now average. Which means youve met your New Years resolution."

~ Jay Leno

Yo mama got so much toejam she could solve world hunger.

Thou shall love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes.
Thou shalt remember thy name and password.
Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day.
Honor thy SysOp.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors password, nor his or her real name, computer, software, nor any other thing belonging to him or her.
Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning.
Thou shalt use the English language properly.
Thou shalt spell thy words correctly when ever possible.
Thou shalt delete thine olden messages.
Thou shalt help other users.
Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism.
Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself.
Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications.
Thou shalt first dial BBS numbers during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers.
Thou shalt not post messages while drunk.
Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgress upon those commandments.
If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into thy keyboard and burn out thy central processing chip.
Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to a BBS, for verily it is written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be thus denied forever and ever.
Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with the SysOps rules.
Thou shalt observe BBS time limits.
Thou shalt not upload worm programs.
Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions.
Thou shalt not exchange copy protected software thru the BBS.
Thou shalt not violate applicable state/federal/local laws hand regulations affecting BBS telecommunications, or thy will feel the wrath of thy judicial system.
Thou shalt not hack.