Old and New Jokes

Be amazed 🙂

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.
These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and theres a lot
of testing and background checks involved before you can even be
considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training
and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a
woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the
extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one
of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what
the circumstances, they explained. Inside this room, you will find
your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, You cant be
serious! I could never shoot my own wife!

Well, said one of the CIA men, youre definitely not the right man
for this job then.

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him the
gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what
the circumstances, they explained to the second man. Inside you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and
went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door
opened.

The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes, I tried to shoot
her. I just couldnt pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess Im
not the right man for the job.

No, the CIA man replied. You dont have what it takes. Take your
wife and go home.

Now they were down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to
the same door and handed her the same gun.

We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the
circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your
husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even
closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after
another, for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and
banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went
quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, You guys didnt tell me
the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the S.O.B. to death with
the chair!

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.

At the dinner table the Ambassadors wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.

Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?

A penis, replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer … and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, appiness!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Viscount!
Viscount who?
Viscount you behave!

Two [ethnics] were walking along the street and came across a building
with a sign that said Taco Bell. One turns to the other and says, I didnt
know the Mexicans had their own phone company.

His

Pull up to ATM
Insert card
Enter PIN and account
Take cash, card and receipt
Drive away

Hers

Pull up to ATM
Back up and pull forward to get closer
Shut off engine
Put keys in purse
Get out of car because youre too far from machine
Hunt for card in purse
Insert card
Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it
Enter PIN
Study instructions
Hit cancel
Re-enter correct PIN
Check balance
Look for envelope
Look in purse for pen
Make out deposit slip
Endorse checks
Make deposit
Study instructions
Make cash withdrawal
Get in car
Check makeup
Look for keys
Start car
Check makeup
Start pulling away
Stop
Back up to machine
Get out of car
Take card and receipt
Get back in car
Put card in wallet
Put receipt in checkbook
Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
Check makeup
Put car in reverse
Put car in drive
Drive away from machine
Drive 3 miles
Release parking brake

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balanceand
fall
over.
6. People say, Great Keith Richards mask! and youre not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, Trick or… and cant remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that wont dislodge your
hairpiece.
2. Youre the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead walk into a bar. The bartender tells them that in the restroom, there is a magic mirror.

If you tell the truth in front of it, you get the one thing you desire the most. But if you lie in front of it, you disappear and you can never come back. So, the redhead goes into the restroom and stands in front of the mirror.

I think that I am the most beautiful person in this bar. And the Redhead walks out with a brand new red car.

Then the Brunette goes into the restroom and says to the mirror, I think Im the smartest person in this bar. And she gets a million dollars.

Then the Blonde goes into the restroom and says to the mirror, I think… POOF! She disappears.

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. The good news, he explained, is that your fiancée has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before. The guy paled. If thats the good news, then what the hell is the bad news? Well, the doctor elaborated, the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dogs vet.

15. They stripped you and locked you in the trunk of your car with a fifth of vodka – but that was three weeks ago, and youre getting cold and hungry.
14. Your hazing involves rope, concrete blocks, and a river.
13. Other pledges: hazing guided by the universitys Uniform Code of Acceptable Fraternal Practice; You: hazing guided by old RoadRunner cartoons.
12. You understand the spanking part of the hazing ritual, but the peanut butter and the German Shepherd were totally uncalled for.
11. You get a special hazing which involves a Jacuzzi and a toaster.
10. Even though youre 99% finished with that Get elected US President hazing ritual, they still wont return your calls.
9. They refuse to let you borrow their Hootie and the Blowfish CDs.
8. The only times they let you into a frat party are when they need some fingerprints on a piece of evidence.
7. They only let you binge from the keg of ODouls.
6. They challenge the pledge class to see how many pledges can fit into your sister.
5. Everyone elses drunken group-bonding features strong homoerotic overtones, but yours is just a naked paddling.
4. All the sorority virgins get taken to *your* bed. Just not by you.
3. They trade you, 3 Molsons and a bag of Funions to the Deltas for a neon beer sign.
2. Helloooo? Youre *paying money* to hang out with them! Do I need to repeat that?

   and Topfive.coms Number 1 Sign Your Fraternity Brothers Dont Really Like You…

1. Your pledge command: Every time George W. Bush says something dumb, you do a shot.

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