Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Hair!
Hair who?
Hair today, gone tomorrow!

Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.

Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
Motorcycles curves never sag.
Motorcycles last longer.
Motorcycles dont get pregnant.
You can ride a Motorcycle any time of the month.
Motorcycles dont have parents.
Motorcycles dont whine unless something is really wrong.
You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old
one is really worn.
If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
Motorcycles dont care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
Motorcycles dont care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
Motorcycles dont mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy
Motorcycle magazines.
New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you dont want to pay for them,
you dont get them.
If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you dont have to discuss politics to
correct it.
You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.
You dont have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
You dont have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your
Motorcycle.
You dont have to convince your Motorcycle that youre a motorcyclist and
that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you dont have to apologize
before you can ride it again.
You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it wont get sore.
Your parents dont remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump
it.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
Motorcycles dont insult you if you are a bad rider.
Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
Motorcycles dont care if you are late.
You dont have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
Its always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
If your Motorcycle doesnt look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
You cant get diseases from a Motorcycle you dont know very well.

Los locos del manicomio querían jugar fútbol y formaron dos equipos. Como no tenían pelota, decidieron jugar con un balón imaginario. Y aquello era de goles por acá, goles por allá, de chilena, de cabecita, era impresionante. En lo más interesante del partido, un orate se acerca y pregunta:

¿Puedo jugar?

Sus compañeros le respondieron que no porque estaban completos. El chiflado enojado se agacha, hace como que toma algo y les advierte:

Entonces me llevo el balón.

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree? I dont know, responded the other. Ill ask him.

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. Why are we digging in the hot sun and youre standing in the shade? Intelligence, the boss said. What do you mean, ‘intelligence?

The boss said, Well, Ill show you. Ill put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can. The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, Thats intelligence!

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, What did he say? He said we are down here because of intelligence. Whats intelligence? said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, Take your shovel and hit my hand.

Q: Why dont blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesnt go to 700 degrees.

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, Whatll it be buddy?

The man says, Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles. The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why hes doing all this drinking.

Youd drink them this fast too if you had what I have.

The bartender hastily asks, What do you have pal?

The man quickly replies, I have a dollar.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

The question has arisen – what do we call the new decade? Decades of the 1900s all evoke images – the twenties, thirties, forties, fifties, sixties … but what do we call the new decade?

At least there can be no controversy over whether its a new millenium, because whatever else, were certainly not in the nineties.

We call could it the zeroes, but that doesnt evoke anything. Theres the nulls or the nothings, but thats all very negative.

I vote for using the British version of zero, and christen them …

THE NOUGHTIES