Old and New Jokes

This is a joke from my pastor about the using the Scriptures out of context…

A man was looking into the Bible for some guidance. Not knowing where to look, he simply opened the Bible randomly and point his finger at a passage. Wherever his finger lands, he will take as advice.

Heres the first: Judas went out and hanged himself. Not knowing what to make out of that, he tried again.

This time it is: Go and do likewise. Completely baffled, he tried a third time.

Whatever you are to do, do so quickly.

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her as planned, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right? they ask.
Its pretty nice, she replies. Except they wont let me fart.

How Does a dummy kill a mole? He buries it.

So you can tell them apart from feminists.

The Italian says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have wine.

The Frenchman says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have cognac.

The Russian says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.

The German says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have beer.

The Mexican says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.

The Jew says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.

Three priests went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and
were exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded,
they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their
freedom. As they were crossing an open area, a group of ladies came along from
town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, two of the priests covered their
privates, but the third one covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the first two
priests asked the third why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The third replied, I do not know about you, but in my congregation, it is my
face they would recognize.

Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the train drivers backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo: Thaw the chicken.

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, Whatll it be buddy?



The man says, Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make em doubles. The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why hes doing all this drinking.



Youd drink em this fast too if you had what I have., said the man.



The bartender hastily asks, What do you have pal?



The man drunkenly replies, I have a dollar.

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Alex, the computer guy, to come over. Alex clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.



As he was walking away, I called after him, So, what was wrong?



He replied, It was an ID ten T error.



I didnt want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: An ID ten T error? Whats that … in case I need to fix it again?



Alex grinned…. Havent you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?



No, I replied.



Write it down, he said, and I think youll figure it out.



So I wrote out ……. I D 1 0 T